‘What’s going on?’
She expelled a shaky breath. ‘Nothing.’
‘Obviously that’s not true.’
The doors pinged open into his apartment. She stepped inside, removing her shoes before moving through to the palatial living area. It was so exquisitely beautiful and, for some reason, it was the stunning opulence of the room that made her reach tipping point, and suddenly, her eyes sparkled with unshed tears.
‘Libby?’ His voice was a growl. She clung to her anger, rather than the swamping sensation of sadness threatening to devour her. But when she thought of what this experience was supposed to be like, what it would have been like if she were going through this with a true partner, she was thrown into a state of despair that was totally uncharacteristic for her.
‘It’s nothing,’ she said as a tear slid down her cheek.
He was quiet. Perhaps if he’d pushed her again, she would have clammed up, refused to speak, but the palpating silence dragged words from her almost against her will.
‘I wish you hadn’t come,’ she said quietly, and with relief, because it felt good to be honest with him.
Raul was very still, his expression impassive. ‘To the appointment just now?’
She nodded. ‘You couldn’t have made it any plainer how much you didn’t want to be there, how miserable you are about this whole thing. And I get it. You didn’t want this, but it’s happening, we’re having a baby, and I don’t want to be made to feel as though I’m ruining your life. Especially not in moments like that, when I should be able to just enjoy the experience.’ She sucked in a breath, on a roll now. ‘This isn’t what I wanted for my life either, you know, but we’re having a baby, and even when the circumstances aren’t ideal, I’m still excited, I still want to make the most of each day of this pregnancy.’ She angled her face away, unable to meet his eyes any more.
‘You’re right.’ His admission surprised her. ‘I didn’t handle that well.’
She bit into her lip. ‘You just shouldn’t come to any more appointments.’
‘That’s not what I want.’
‘Yeah, and I don’t want to feel like I’m ruining your life,’ she repeated, turning back to face him. ‘It’s not fair.’
‘No, it’s not.’ He was quiet, still, and she felt like he was going to say something, but a moment later he nodded. ‘If you don’t want me there again, I won’t come.’
Libby’s heart did a strange, convulsive twist. The moment he said it, she realised it was the opposite of what she actually wanted: Raul by her side, happy about the baby. How unrealistic and pathetic! No matter how hard she tried, the optimist in Libby was struggling to accept the limitations of their arrangement. But she knew she had to, for her own sake. It was the only way she could do this.
Raul moved towards the lift with a steady gait, pausing once he’d pressed the button and the doors had pinged open. ‘I’ll see you tonight.’
Libby turned away from him, closing her eyes on a wave of sadness, and remorse. She wished now that she hadn’t said anything. It had been futile and unnecessary. He was entitled to his feelings, just as she was hers.
But a moment later she heard footsteps and realised he hadn’t left.
‘This is hard for me,’ he said, and when she turned to look at him, his features bore a mask of tension. She swallowed past a lump in her throat. ‘I didn’t know my parents. I did not have a good experience in the foster system. The streets were... You can imagine.’ He ran a hand over the back of his neck, the action drawing her attention to the tightness in his frame. ‘I have been alone a long time. I thought I would always be alone.’ He paused, eyes boring into hers. ‘I have no idea how to do any of this.’ He gestured from himself to Libby. ‘I panicked today.’
His raw honesty made her feel something she hadn’t expected, something softening in her core. She didn’t know why, but she nodded slowly, and he took that as encouragement or a prompt to continue, because he said, ‘I am used to knowing exactly how to do what I need, in every situation. I am used to being in control, to running all aspects of my life.’
Libby expelled a soft breath. ‘You can’t control this,’ she said gently. ‘I get it; that’s scary.’
A muscle throbbed in his jaw. ‘I felt good things today too, Libby. Seeing our baby, hearing their heart beating.’ He pressed a hand to his chest. ‘I felt it. I just...didn’t want to.’
More tears sparkled on Libby’s lashes, but these were tears of relief.
‘You have not ruined my life.’
She closed her eyes, surprised by how badly she needed to hear that, and by how much she wanted to understand Raul and his reactions.
‘I’m sorry I got mad with you,’ she said gently. ‘I was scared too.’
His brows drew together, and she thought he might have been about to reject her assessment, but then he moved closer, pressing his thumb to her chin, tilting her face towards his. ‘You’re going to be a great mother.’
She blinked up at him, heart in her throat. ‘How do you know?’
‘Look at what you’re already doing for our baby,’ he said, stroking her cheek. Libby’s stomach twisted. Did he understand how much she wanted this reassurance? To believe she’d be different to her own selfish mother? ‘I’m sorry I upset you,’ he said. ‘I was thoughtless.’