Page 86 of Cross the Line

“You don’t need to apologize. Not to me, not ever.”

Inhaling deeply, Alec throws his arms over the pillow to pull it down, white spots springing up behind his closed eyes.

“It’s stupid. I was lonely or something and so we danced a lot, and he asked if I wanted to go upstairs to one of the empty rooms. I told him I didn’t do one night stands, that I didn’t want...that.” The memory of the guy’s smile still makes Alec’s stomach curl. He’d seemed so fucking nice. “It’d been a long few months and I was stressed and it seemed like it would be okay to say yes, that he meant it when he said only kissing was fine. Only the more we kissed, the more this buzzing filled my brain and you know how I am—my mouth thing.”

“There’s nothing wrong with an oral fixation. There’s nothing wrong with you, period.

Alec huffs but doesn’t reply. Theo knows more about Alec’s behavioral struggles than he would like, both because he was living with them when Alec finally got officially diagnosed in fifth grade, and also because Jason has a big mouth.

Whatever Theo thinks he knows about Alec, it’s one thing for him to say those things and another for Alec to live in his own body and brain. Theo isn’t the one who got called a beaver by his friends in middle school for chewing off the ends of all his pencils when he had to sit still for too long. He wasn’t the one who constantly got yelled at by teachers for being too fidgety and unable to stop talking, constantly singled out like he was choosing to misbehave and not deeply unregulated. Theo wasn’t the one who sucked his thumb until he was nine, who has to carry lollipops and gum everywhere he goes, and who needs his mouth full for his brain to be quiet. His medication helps, but it’s banned under NCAA rules and while he could get a medical exemption for his diagnosis, he never wanted to. Instead he goes off them every season and just white-knuckles it, dealing with a world built for neurotypicals.

“You don’t have to keep going,” Theo reminds him.

The offer is appreciated, but Alec knows if he doesn’t tell this to Theo now, he won’t ever tell him, or anyone else ever again.

“He said he was okay with kissing, just wanted to do it without an audience to give me his full attention. I agreed because kissing is the fucking best, you know, and—” Alec’s voice trails off realizing what comes next. “You probably don’t wanna know the rest.”

“I want to know anything you want to tell me.”

Were it anyone else, Alec would assume they were just being polite, but Theo has never lied to Alec before. Even when it hurt, even when he broke Alec’s heart. Theo doesn’t lie to him and so Alec is going to do one of the hardest things he’s ever done, believe him.

“I started, you know, sucking. On his neck and chest and his stomach, it just…felt good. I didn’t even really care about the guy, but he seemed safe, which in hindsight was fucking stupid.”

“You’re not stupid.”

Alec makes a derisive noise, realizing he’s maybe not as over it as he wants to be. Probably because he’s refused to think about it at all.

“He, uh, he got turned on by what we were doing, which is obviously fine. It was an ego boost, and I was turned on too, but it didn’t mean I’d changed my mind. He started touching my hair, which I like, but then it got too tight and—” Alec pauses. He’s never said any of this out loud. Only one person knows, because he walked in on it, but even then they didn’t talk about it. “I tried to pull away, but he started saying I was a cocktease. He said if I wanted to suck, I should be doing it right. I tried to pull away, but he was a lot bigger and he shoved his pants down and—you know.”

Memories meld together. That night. Last night when the guy at the club had shouted the same thing at Alec.

“Nothing that happened was your fault, Alexander.”

“You pick up mind-reading at some point?”

“Maybe I just know you,” Theo replies, giving Alec’s hip a squeeze. He must know him, because the contact is exactly what Alec needs. Theo isn’t moving away, isn’t taking his offer back or calling Alec a mess. He’s touching Alec, offering the kind of physical reassurance Alec has trained himself out of needing. “I’m so sorry you had that happen. Did you report it?”

“Fuck, no,” Alec says, pressing the pillow over his eyes so tightly it borders on uncomfortable. “It would’ve messed everything up. The team didn’t need that. Anyway, it’s fine. It's not a big deal. Riley, that’s how we met. It was Riley’s frat and he’d gone upstairs to get something for one of his frat brothers and he walked in on that whole thing. He kind of punched the guy in the face and the asshole never talked to me again, so, it’s fine. Besides, I got Riley as a friend out of the deal so?—”

“You don’t have to try and make light of sexual assault.”

“It wasn’t sexual assault,” Alec hisses. “It was just…some guy being handsy.”

“It was assault.”

“Well, this is fucking fun. Any wonder I’m still a virgin? I sure know how to ruin a moment.”

“You didn’t ruin anything. We don’t have to do this.”

Alec flings the pillow aside, blinking at the spots that dance in front of Theo’s pretty face. It takes a second for Alec’s vision to clear and he doesn’t like what he sees. It looks too close to pity and bile rises in Alec’s throat.

“This is why I don’t tell people. Why I didn’t want to tell you.” He jabs his finger in Theo’s chest. “Don’t you dare look at me with those sad eyes, Theo. Or else.”

“Or else what?”

“I don’t fucking know.”

“Alright,” Theo whispers, reaching for Alec’s hands. “Maybe we shouldn’t have sex.”

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