Page 85 of Cross the Line

“If I wanted to have sex with myself I’d use my two hands and a mirror, Theodore.”

“That’s a nice mental image,” Theo huffs out, the ghost of a smile on his lips. Alec would do anything to make this man smile.

“You’re welcome for that. Full permission to jerk off to me any time you want.” Alec grins, his heart racing. “You gonna give me a pretty mental image, too?”

“Is that what you want?”

What Alec wants is to brand himself with Theo’s release. He wants Theo so deep inside of him he can feel it long after Theo walks away. He wants to memorize every inch of Theo and lock it away so when this is over, he can close his eyes and remember it wasn’t a dream.

“You know what I want,” Alec answers.

Theo’s chest visibly shudders with the force of his exhale before he rises onto his knees, sitting over Alec’s thighs. Slowly he tugs the sweater off, revealing miles of pale skin. He’s right. Theo’s body is nothing like Alec’s. Where Alec is compact and lithe, muscled from sports but small in build, everything about Theo is big, from his strong arms to his jiggling pecs and his soft tummy. He wasn’t wrong when he said his body isn’t like Alec’s, but what Theo fails to realize, what he never realizes, is that Alec loves everything about him. He loves the thickness of Theo’s body, loves the quiet strength with the hint of softness in all the best places.

Everything about Theo is sturdy and safe. Alec gives into temptation and plants his hands on Theo’s pecs, giving them a squeeze.

“What are you doing?” Theo asks.

“Appreciating the goods.” Alec’s smile turns playful, his apprehension receding. Whatever darker thoughts and worries that hover at the edge of his mind are something for future Alec to deal with. It doesn’t matter that this is only going to be once, that it’s going to break him beyond repair. All that matters is the here and now. Just this once, Alec wants to live in this moment. He’s going to appreciate every second that Theo is giving him.

“Are you now?” Theo says. “I thought this was me teaching you?”

“You might be teaching me how to fuck, but I know how to appreciate a good-looking man.”

“You said that once before, and I wasn’t sure if you were serious or?—”

“I don’t say things I don’t mean, Theodore.” Alec rubs his thumbs over Theo’s nipples, watching as the nubs harden. He wants to suck on them so badly.

Some of that longing must show on his face because Theo pushes the hair off Alec’s head before asking, “What do you want?”

Telling Theo he wants his cock was easier than this and Alec has no idea why. Maybe because the one time he’d let on to another guy how much he liked to kiss and suck, he’d taken that as an assumption that the boundaries they’d agreed on no longer applied. Maybe because in some ways, this seems more intimate to Alec than taking a cock up his ass. He’s not sure if that makes any sense and he isn’t about to say it out loud, but it’s true regardless.

“You told me I could do whatever I wanted to you before, but I didn’t tell you the same.” Alec starts to yank his hands back, but Theo grabs his wrists, pulling them back. “I should have. I asked you to be clear and I wasn’t, so here’s me being clear. You can touch whatever you want, do whatever you want. f you’re not sure, you can ask, but I don’t have any hard limits, at least not that I’ve found out yet, so I doubt you’re gonna find something I’d say no to and?—”

“I want to suck on you,” Alec blurts, squeezing his eyes shut.

When Theo doesn’t immediately reply, Alec hears his heart pounding loudly in his ears.

“Hey, look at me, Alexander.” His knuckles graze over Alec’s knuckles. “Please.”

The please breaks through the walls Alec is trying to put up to protect himself, and though everything in him is screaming to burrow inside of Theo’s sweater and hide, he resists, forcing his eyes open and locking his gaze on Theo. Alec waits for the annoyance or pity or whatever else he expects, but the only thing he sees on Theo’s face is the same kind of gentle understanding he’s always had. It’s so easy to remember why Alec always trusted Theo, why he was the one Alec wanted when something was wrong when he was younger. Theo never judges or yells. He’s patient and calm even in the face of Alec’s intensity and it soothes the part of Alec that has always, always been too much for most people.

“You can,” Theo whispers. “If you want. You don’t have to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours, but you can do that, too.”

“Fuck you, Theodore.” Theo blinks, looking blindsided before Alec continues. “How the fuck do you do this to me?”

“Do what?”

Alec can’t answer that question, but he can answer the other one.

“There was a guy...last year.” Alec grabs the pillow from behind him, pulling it over his face so only his mouth is visible, because if he actually looks at Theo while having to say this out loud, he’s not going to get it out. “We had a few classes together so I knew him. Or I thought I did. Anyway, there was a party and we were dancing and I just wanted to have fun and...and be touched. Not like sex, just, I like physical contact.”

Memories rush in, flooding Alec with white-hot shame. It doesn’t matter how many times he’s told himself it wasn’t his fault; it still feels like it was. He should probably get therapy for that, or for the way school is making him feel like the walls are closing in around him, but who the fuck has time for therapy? He’s got grades to keep up and practice and?—

“Alec.”

“Sorry,” Alec mumbles, embarrassed again at his own spiraling. This is why he keeps himself so busy. That way he doesn’t have time to be alone with his thoughts.

Here he is with his dream man, about to lose his virginity and he’s ruining it. This is what happens when Alec goes off his meds. Every summer he gets a little glimpse of what life might be like if he stayed medicated, then he goes off them to compete and he falls apart.

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