Page 60 of Cross the Line

“The guy you’re in love with,” Hunter finishes.

“I never said I was in love with him.”

“No, but the way you answered me right now does. Continue.”

“You only children are bossy,” Alec grumbles. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and dropping his head into his hands. “He and my brother are taking me out to a gay club to celebrate.”

“That sounds complicated.”

“Right,” Alec groans, pulling his own hair so hard it hurts. “I couldn’t say no because, well, I didn’t wanna say no, but I shouldn’t have said yes because Theo is gonna be there looking gorgeous, and he’s always gorgeous so that’s not new, but he’s gonna pick someone up. I mean, he usually does. And it's one thing to know he only likes casual sex but it’s another to have to see it. But maybe I should go, because then it’ll be like ripping a bandaid off. Maybe if I see him dance, or kiss someone, or take them home, maybe I can finally get over him.” Alec’s breathing faster by the time he finishes. He drops his hands, rubbing them on his jeans. “I know what you’re going to say,” Alec sighs.

“Do you?”

“You’re going to tell me he’s too old for me, or that it’s pathetic to be in love with the same guy for over six years when he doesn’t like you back. You’re going to tell me that I’m just being an idiot by refusing to stay away and that tonight is just going to break my heart and I should stay home.”

“Damn, I was gonna say all that?” Hunter laughs.

“Weren’t you?”

At his silence Alec turns, expecting to see the kind of pity he’s used to from Antonio or Riley. He knows they mean well and that they support him, but he also knows as his best friends they’re mad at Theo, even if Theo has never actually done anything wrong. It’s not Theo’s fault Alec loves him. Which is maybe, probably, why he didn’t want them to know where he was going tonight. Because all those things he just told Hunter he was going to say, those are all the things he knows Antonio or Riley would tell him.

“I was going to ask where there’s a gay club in Santa Leon?” Hunter’s smile widens and Alec almost wishes he could develop a crush on someone like him. He’s so easy to like, and funny in his own deadpan way, but he’s not Alec’s type. All he feels is a growing appreciation for their friendship.

“It’s down near the pier off Seaward. The only one in town.”

“Interesting,” Hunter remarks. For someone as high strung and dramatic as Alec, it’s a welcome change to be around someone so chill. “I've never been to one.”

“A club or a queer club?”

“Either. Both,” Hunter answers. “All we had was a Dollar General and a few shitty fast food places. I grew up in a pretty small town. Nothing but agriculture and cows. I think sometimes there were parties at the river bottom, but that’s not really my scene.”

“Would you have gone if there was one?” Alec asks, careful to leave it open to interpretation about what kind of club he means.

The nice thing about being openly gay is that people usually feel pretty open coming out to him. It’s part of why he’s so out and proud. It feels good to be himself, but also to imagine that maybe sometimes that makes it easier for someone else to be themselves around him. That being said, he doesn’t judge anyone who doesn’t come out, to him or anyone else. The world can be shitty and labels are confusing and nobody owes anyone anything. For as much as he and Hunter have become close since moving in a couple weeks ago, they don’t know each other well yet and Alec has no idea how to tread this conversation.

“Probably,” Hunter nods. “I’m not sure what label I’d be, but it’s there somewhere under that giant rainbow umbrella. Probably.”

“It’s okay to not be sure.”

“How did you know?” Hunter asks. He drops back on the couch, sitting side by side with Alec, both of them staring at the paused video game.

“Honestly?”

“Yeah.”

“Theo.”

Hunter whistles long and low. “That’s a whole other level. Does he know?”

“Are you kidding me? He literally ran away when he found out I was in love with him as a teenager. I'm never telling him that. I’ve actually never told anyone.”

“Not even Antonio and Riley? I thought you guys were inseparable.”

“We are, but there are some things they can’t understand.” Things like what it means to never be able to let go of the guy who helped you realize you were gay. To grow up and realize your hero was also your crush. To become a man and find out that crush wasn’t as perfect as you once thought and love him even more for all his flawed, imperfect edges.

“And I can?”

“I dunno, maybe.” Alec tugs on his necklace, pulling the chain between his teeth. The metallic taste distracts him from his burgeoning anxiety.

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