Page 108 of Cross the Line

Theo

Theo loses track of how long he sits in the dark, staring at the half closed door and hating himself. Alec’s confession had been shocking to say the least, but the most shocking part in the entire situation, had been the tendril of longing that took root in Theo’s heart when Alec yelled those three words.

Of course that longing had immediately been dwarfed by regret. Knowing he’d somehow found a way to hurt Alec further was painful, coupled with the sheer and utter panic at how messy and complicated things now were. This thing with Alec was supposed to be no strings attached, something casual to get Theo over his crush and help Alec get rid of his virginity in a safe way. In hindsight the entire thing had been messy from the start, but Theo refused to see it. Somehow he deluded himself a little into thinking he was the only person who could help Alec, his own desire clouding his judgment. It’s why he’d pulled back after that first night they spent together.

He’d realized he was falling for Alec.

Theo doesn’t know how to do no strings attached with Alec, and he’d done what he always did in situations like that–emotionally shut down–at least until Alec came barging back into his life without invitation, and let Theo know all the ways he’d fucked up. Hearing how much he hurt Alec had been one of the most painful moments of his life. Regret and shame warred within him, demanding he keep the lines drawn. Instead, he crossed the line.

Somehow, Theo convinced himself that because Alec was in love with someone else things couldn’t possibly get messier. He stupidly thought he could fuck Alec and then go back to being friends after. It was reckless and illogical, but Theo had still wanted to fuck Alec. He’d also wanted to do anything to soothe the sharp edges of hurt he’d inflicted.

With a half-cocked plan, he’d given in and fucked Alec, only instead of ridding him of his desire for Alec, it highlighted how much Theo wanted him, and how deeply Alec had wedged himself into Theo’s quiet life with one fuck. It scared the absolute shit out of him to have such depth of feeling for the person he was fucking. Having Alec spread out in his bed afterward, fucked out and happy, had reignited Theo’s fear and he’d known then that he needed to make sure they didn’t do it again.

Leave it to Alec to turn the tables on him, blurting out a love confession while Theo was trying to end things before they got more complicated. Instead of relief that his feelings weren’t one-sided, all encompassing panic had hit Theo like a freight train. He’s never been in love before. He’s not even sure if that’s what he feels for Alec, but the prospect sent him into shutdown mode. If he let himself, he could absolutely fall head over heels in love with Alexander King and instead of being happy, Theo wanted to sob.

Flashes of his childhood invaded his mind. His mother, abandoning them. His father, broken and alone, unable to ever let anyone else in again. An empty stomach and an even emptier heart. He’d sworn he would never let himself be vulnerable like his parents, never let anyone besides Jason get close enough to him to hurt him. He wasn’t supposed to develop feelings for anyone, especially not Alec.

Fear paralyzed him and by the time he came to his senses and realized he’d let Alec walk out the front door, he knew he’d made a huge mistake. Unwilling to make another one, he tried to call Alec, enough times he started to feel like an idiot with every call that went to voicemail. He debated leaving a message, but he didn’t even know what he wanted to say. I’m so sorry I fucked up and I know I’m an idiot, but I want to be your idiot, but I also don’t know how to be in a relationship and the idea of doing that with you terrifies me because I can’t lose Jason, so please forgive me even though I don’t know what I want. Yeah, that would go over really well.

Unable to make a plan about what to say but just as unable to stop calling, Theo redials Alec’s number. With every unanswered call, his desperation grows. All he wants is to hear Alec’s voice, to at least tell him he’s sorry. Unfortunately by the fifth call, it became apparent that Alec was ignoring him, not that Theo could blame him. If their positions were reversed, he’d be ignoring him too.

Riddled with guilt and regret Theo crawls into his bed, tugging the blankets over his face and trying not to cry. His entire life he’s been afraid of love, and then someone beautiful and perfect offers it to him on a goddamn silver platter, and he still manages to screw things up.

Eyes blurry with unshed tears, he rolls over and buries his face in the pillow, chasing Alec’s scent and wishing he was braver.

Theo’s dreams are a mess of anxiety, his sleep broken and unsatisfying, which he figures is what he deserves. By five, he gives up trying to sleep and heads into the kitchen to put on the coffee pot, surprised to find Rio already awake and prowling the room. He bends down and tries to pet her, but she sprints under the couch, setting the tone for Theo’s morning. Not even his cat wants to see him.

He’s so exhausted he moves on autopilot, scooping coffee grounds into the pot without a filter and cursing. Grabbing the plastic insert, he shakes the grounds off in the trash before fitting it back in the pot, and this time making sure to put a filter in before adding the grounds the second time. His finger is still on the brew button when someone bangs on his front door.

At this time in the morning, there’s only one person it might be. A pathetic surge of hope fills Theo’s chest. He has no idea what the hell he’s actually going to say to Alec, but the relief that he came back after all the shit Theo put him through is staggering. The consolation is short-lived because when he opens the door, it’s not Alec standing on his front porch but instead a very different King.

Jason is dressed in his usual uniform of gray sweats and a sweatshirt from the high school where he works, but his eyes are rimmed in red and Theo knows immediately something is very, very wrong.

“What’s going on?” Theo asks. “I didn’t know you even knew what this time of day was.”

It’s probably bad form to make a joke right now, but Theo is shit at feelings and hasn’t seen Jason cry in nearly a decade. He waits for Jason to laugh or call him an idiot, but what comes out of his mouth instead is a single word that threatens to ruin everything.

“Alec.”

Of all the things Theo expected, this is the last. Alec promised not to tell Jason, and while it was selfish of Theo to want Alec to keep secrets from his own brother, he had been relieved by the offer. Had Alec gone straight to Jason? Or maybe he’d gone to Charlie and then he went to Jason? Either way, Theo’s biggest fear is coming true.

“I’m so sorry,” Theo says, scrambling to figure out how to save this. “Don’t hate me. Please.”

“What?” Jason’s thick eyebrows pinch together.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen.” Even as Theo says it, shame burns in his gut. He needs to stop lying to the people he cares about. “This is my fault, all of it. Don’t blame Alec.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jason asks.

“You came over here to yell at me for sleeping with Alec, didn’t you?”

Judging by the stunned look on Jason’s face, that is clearly not what he came here for. “You had sex with Alec?”

“I, uh—” Theo licks his lips, ignoring the ways his ears ring. “The thing is, uh—yes.”

Jason gapes. “I thought you were seeing some girl.”

“I wasn’t technically seeing anyone. It’s…complicated, but it wasn’t a girl I was interested in.”

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