Page 99 of Cross the Line

“What do I want? Fuck you, Theo! I want you to fucking feel something without pushing me away!” Alec shouts. “I want you to tell me something, and not just what I want to hear. Tell me what is so fucking awful about me you just keep pushing me away!”

“Nothing about you is awful,” Theo says, grabbing Alec’s wrists. They’re delicate, his own hands easily wrapping around them to pull them against his chest, bringing Alec’s body close enough to feel the weight of his shuddering exhale. “How could I look at you and say no, Alexander?”

The confusion on Alec’s face is clear, not that Theo can blame him. He’s not exactly been forthcoming about his desires and he still can’t now. Even as he tries to be honest with Alec, he knows he has to hold some of it back

“What?”

“I couldn’t talk to you, Alec. How could I when I promised you not to hurt you, and it was the first thing I did? I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry.” He rubs his thumbs over the inside of Alec’s wrists, the thrum of Alec’s pulse beating in time with Theo’s racing heart. He’s done nothing but think about this moment for weeks, imagining what he might say and rehearsing possible conversations. He’s imagined all the ways to make sure Alec knew it wasn’t his fault, it was Theo’s. He’s imagined all the right ways to put distance between them to ensure it didn’t happen again. With Alec in touching distance, all of that means nothing. Nothing means anything in the face of Alec hurting.

“I couldn’t bring myself to face you after doing exactly what I promised not to do. Especially not when…when?—”

“When what?” Alec pushes. He always pushes.

“When I want to touch you again. So much more than I’m supposed to.”

“I—oh.” Alec’s entire body sags.

Holding his breath, Theo waits for Alec’s reaction. He says nothing, and somehow that’s harder to take than any yelling would have been. He wants Alec to be loud and rail, not to stare at Theo like he’s one word away from breaking.

“Did I finally find a way to shut you up?” Theo realizes he’s still clutching Alec’s hands against his chest. He can’t let go, even though he should. He can’t do a lot of things he should when he’s around Alec. “You know I never made good on my promise.”

“Please don’t tease me,” Alec whispers.

“I wasn’t teasing about that,” Theo assures him.

“You don’t make sense.” Alec sounds confused and fragile, shattering Theo’s resolve. He knows he’s supposed to stay away, but he can’t. “You said you wanted me, and then—then you chose Jason. I get it, of course you’re going to choose him, but you sent me away and you ignored me and now what? Fuck, I don’t even know what you’re saying.”

Theo’s not sure he knows either. It’s not like he can tell Alec how messed up his thoughts are, not when he knows Alec has feelings for another man and this whole thing started because Theo promised him no strings attached. Alec doesn’t need Theo’s baggage, but he also doesn’t deserve to be tossed aside. He deserves everything, even if Theo isn’t the man who can give him that.

“Say something,” Alec demands, shoving his fists into Theo’s chest. “Something real.”

Real. Theo hardly knows real. His parents’ relationship crumbling apart and breaking his dad’s heart beyond repair was real. His dad doing the best he could and it not being anywhere close to good enough is real. Loving someone else being the most dangerous thing you can do is real. His mom abandoning him is real. Knowing he can’t live without his best friend if he fucks this all up is real. Knowing he can’t have Alec for more than one night is real.

Alec is real. Alec with his megawatt smile and goddamn bravery. Alec with his heart-on-his-sleeve personality, always demanding authenticity from the people he cares about. Alec with his big mouth and his bigger heart. Alec is the most real person Theo has ever known and it’s absolutely terrifying.

“I’m sorry.”

“Theo.”

“Let me make it up to you,” Theo whispers, brushing the hair out of Alec’s eyes. He loosens his grip on Alec’s wrists to let them go, resting them between his pecs. “Unless you change your mind…if you don’t want?—”

“Goddamn you,” Alec hisses and Theo’s sure he’s said the wrong thing, but then Alec is surging onto tiptoes and grabbing Theo’s face. “Like I could ever not want you.”

The words are as loaded as the way Alec kisses him, desperate and demanding and Theo knows he should put a stop to this. He knows they should talk first, but he’s never been good at that kind of thing. Sex is easy, talking is complicated and messy. Sex with Alec is going to be both, but he can’t stop now, even if it’s going to be the stupidest thing he’s ever done. Or the second stupidest, or maybe the third if he’s counting messing around with Alec in the first place and ignoring him.

God, Alec should run far away from Theo and his commitment and communication issues. He has no idea why he isn’t, doesn’t understand why Alec still wants him when Theo keeps fucking up.

“Don’t break your promise again,” Alec demands and Theo isn’t brave enough to ask which one.

“I’ll be gentle.”

“I don’t need gentle.”

“What do you need, Alexander?”

Alec opens his mouth and then shuts it, crashing his lips against Theo’s again. It occurs to him that they’re still standing in the open doorway where anyone could see and he grabs onto Alec’s hips to guide him inside, shutting and locking the door behind them before taking Alec’s hand and leading him towards the bedroom.

He takes a look around his room, gaze drifting from his unmade bed to the sweater thrown over the chair, to the book folded open on the nightstand where he abandoned it yesterday. Some of Rio’s cat toys are scattered across the floor from where he’d thrown them in his attempt to lure her from under the bed earlier. She’s asleep in the spare room and he’s surprised she hasn’t run in here and found Alec already. He’s grateful for the moment, however, not sure he could fuck Alec with Rio around demanding attention, too.

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