Page 98 of Cross the Line

“No.” Alec gives Theo’s chest a shove. He’s solid, unmovable, and Alec’s fist presses against Theo’s chest as he tries not to cry. He fucking hates crying. “I didn’t ask you for anything, Theo. I knew what I was getting into, but you weren’t supposed to pull away from me again. You’ve been ignoring me, and I fucking hate being ignored. You know me, you know how much I hate it and you did it anyway. Why? Why are you ignoring me?”

Even in the face of Alec’s desperation, Theo is quiet and it makes the storm raging in Alec so loud he can hardly hear his own messy thoughts, can barely breathe through the pain and fury he’s been ignoring.

“No clubs, you said.” Alec’s other hand comes up to Theo’s chest. He’s not even sure what he’s doing, both his hands balled up against Theo’s chest. He wants to shove him again, wants to do anything to show Theo how much he’s hurting, but he can’t do more than fist his hands in Theo’s sweater and remember what it felt like to be held. “You said someone might hurt me. You hurt me.”

CHAPTER 18

Theo

You hurt me.

Three little words that cut Theo to the core. Three words to ruin the shell of what’s left of him after weeks of self loathing, not about what he’d done with Alec, but about what he still wanted to do.

When Jason showed up, Theo shut down. The panic and the guilt had been all-encompassing. He’s been pushing it all away, ignoring the remorse and longing while convincing himself it was for the best. Then Alec had texted him like everything was normal, and Theo had no idea how to go back to what they’d been before when his dreams were filled with warm brown eyes and galaxies of freckles. He didn’t know how to go back to a time before his heart was full of a man he couldn’t have.

One day turned into two and by the end of the first week, Theo was so ashamed of himself for not replying, and for the desires he couldn’t ignore, that he continued to ignore Alec even knowing how much he hated it. As a child when his big brothers had been annoyed at him for breaking something or tattling, they’d sometimes pretended he didn’t exist and Alec would wail. There was nothing he hated more than being ignored, something that, according to Jason, was even more true when he got older.

Thinking back to the way Theo had shut Alec out after his teenage love confession, even knowing he did it to protect Alec, sometimes made his stomach ache. He hated hurting Alec, hated it now more than ever.

The more time that passed, the more he deluded himself into thinking this was for the best. Every day that went by without a new text from Alec, confirmed his illogical and selfish belief that this must be what Alec wanted. Without having to look him in the face, Theo could pretend he hadn’t betrayed his best friend and Alec both. He’d been a paragon of self-control, refusing to continue to engage with Alec and hurt him. Turns out he’d done it anyway.

“I’m sorry.”

“Fuck you,” Alec chokes, pulling on Theo’s sweater. Theo almost wishes he’d do it harder, wishes he’d hit him like he deserves.

Alec’s chest heaves as he stares at Theo with those soulful eyes of his. Even with the tears glistening in them, he doesn’t flinch or turn away from Theo. The bravery in that one look is Theo’s undoing. It’s a reminder of everything Theo adores about Alec—his tenacity, his strength. It’s amazing to realize he’d gone years without being close to him when the last few weeks without his presence have been woefully lacking. In such a short time, Alec wedged himself into Theo’s life and his heart without asking permission first, and Theo’s been reeling ever since.

He missed Alec hogging the couch, and taking up a shocking amount of space for someone so much smaller. He missed Alec’s nonstop chatter and teasing, and the way he never lets Theo get away with anything. He missed Alec’s laugh and his smile, and he especially missed the sight of him and Rio curled together. Even Rio has been upset, hiding under furniture and only eating when Theo leaves the room, as if she is holding Theo personally responsible for the loss of her favorite human.

“I’m sorry,” Theo whispers, knowing those two words aren’t close to enough.

“For which part?”

“All of it,” Theo says, shame making his insides burn. How did he think one time with Alec would be enough to get him out of his system? How did he think anyone could ever get over Alexander King? It was foolish and selfish and he’s ruined everything.

“All of it.” Alec’s grip on the sweater loosens and he takes a step back. “Fuck you.”

“Alec.”

“So what, you just realized you didn’t want to fuck me and that meant we couldn’t even be friends?” He sounds even more hurt than before, and Theo wonders why people want to fall in love when it’s so goddamn hard. All he wants to do is protect Alec, but he keeps fucking up and his good intentions don’t mean anything when he’s breaking Alec’s heart.

Are you protecting him, or you? a little voice whispers. The answer is clear and sends shame burning like a wildfire. That lie wasn’t protecting anyone but Theo. He’s a coward.

“You could’ve just told me,” Alec yells, his hands shaking now. “You could’ve just said you didn’t want to do it again.”

“No, I couldn’t.”

“Was being with me so terrible it made you not want to even look at me?” Alec’s voice drops to barely above a whisper. It was easier to handle when he yelled. Alec being this quiet feels like someone has dimmed his light. Like Theo dimmed it.

“That…that wasn’t it,” Theo stammers.

“Fuck.” Alec pulls at his hair, his normally perfect curls in disarray. Even in the dark, lit up only by the soft glow of his porch light, he’s beautiful. He also looks exhausted, his eyes rimmed in red. The knowledge that Alec’s distress is Theo’s doing is more painful than he could have imagined. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?” Theo asks.

“Stop being so fucking calm.” Alec’s lips quiver as his chest heaves. Theo wants to crush him in a hug and promise everything will be okay, but he doesn’t know how much he can keep lying to Alec. Everything isn’t going to be okay. He finally wants someone and it’s someone he can’t have. Not just his best friend's little brother, but a man in love with someone else. It’s like fate’s sick twist. Here, the universe taunts, here’s someone who isn’t afraid of all your walls and edges, someone who could be your perfect match, someone who loved you once but doesn’t anymore. Because relationships are horrible, Theo is horrible and he made Alec walk away before he could choose to do it. Because he would, eventually. Theo knows it.

“What do you want from me, Alec?”

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