Page 114 of Hell and High Water

She doesn’t.

“You could have called.” Her stare becomes something more. Hard. Bitter. “You could have told me what the plan was. You could have spared me from the Sinner’s Ball. You could have defied your orders. You could have not sold me off.”

It tumbles out of her in a mass of flat, cold words, but there’s fire underneath, just below the surface. Hurt. Hurt I caused.

“I didn’t know until it was too late.”

“Didn’t know what?” she spits.

“I didn’t know I was in love with you,” I say softly. It falls flat on my tongue as I say it. As much as I mean it, it’s not what she wants to hear right now.

“Even if I was nothing to you, you shouldn’t have done that to me, to anyone!”

That’s the crux of this. Not just the betrayal, but the simple fact that I was, and am, capable of doing terrible things. And worse, to a person I care about.

“I tried to fix it. I tried to buy you myself and?—”

“Bullshit.”

“I got you out, didn’t I?”

“That’s not what I’m calling bullshit on. I’m calling bullshit on the fact that you ‘didn’t know’. You can lie to yourself all you want. You can tell yourself that you weren’t sure when you made me finger myself for you in the studio. When we fucked in your office. After practice all those times. But it was that time, that last time, huh? On stage in front of everyone that did it?”

“No. I knew before then.”

“And you never said a fucking word, never gave me a warning that I was in danger.”

“My orders came at the last minute.”

“You had chances to let me go sooner. You could have prevented so much of this?—”

“I needed to keep you close to protect you! I knew something was up, I just didn’t know what!” I’m shouting, desperate for her to hear me. To understand.

“It wasn't supposed to go that way. I was told you’d be fine. My instructions from the Sinful were to deliver you to them. Nothing more. Not to sell you to Marco. But I wasn’t going to go through with that, either. I was going to tell the Herald, your aunt, that I wanted out. That they couldn’t have you.”

“And then what? How would we escape them?”

“I was gonna buy you and take you away, leave Sanctum Harbor that night. Go on the run.” The words turn to ash on my tongue as I say them.

A fucking fool.

That’s what I’ve been.

A coward.

I'm still holding the packet of travel documents in my hands. As I glance down, her eyes follow mine, narrowing on it.

“It all just sounds like excuses. I don’t want to be mad at you. I don’t want to hate what you did. But I do.” Tears start to form in her eyes, running down her cheeks.

It’s more than I can bear.

I deserve this.

“What’s in the bag, Evan?” she finally asks, curiosity getting the better of her.

“It's just a safety measure.” I can’t bring myself to show her. The plane tickets. Passports. Alternate IDs for both of us.

“What can I do, Hellena? I am coming apart at the seams. I’m fucking falling apart.” I hate every word out of my mouth for the weakness that it is. I hate that I find it so hard to open up to her.

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