Page 95 of The Devil and His Sparrow

She scoffed and came to stand directly in front of me. The eyes that had only ever been cold and hard toward me never left mine. “She’s already lost to me.”

She swept past us, leaving Zagan and I alone in the dark room. My insides went numb. My body ran cold. The tears rolling down my cheeks didn’t even bother me as I stared into the empty space where my mom had been.

“Iyla …” Zagan’s soft voice cut through the fog.

I couldn’t bear to hear him right now. I couldn’t face him. The numbness ebbed with a sudden need to get away.

“I-I need to go,” I croaked. “Can you tell Gemma I had to leave and that I love her?”

I didn’t wait for an answer. I spun on my heel and barreled for the exit without looking back.

Chapter 30

Iyla

I GRABBED THE GLASS NECK of the bottle and took another deep swig. It burned on the way down, but I welcomed it. I welcomed the pain. I welcomed the fog of the alcohol.

My feet dangled off the wooden pier that stretched out into the dark waters behind Zagan’s home. I’d lost my shoes somewhere on my quest to get through the house and out here, and I kicked my now bare feet back and forth, watching the two limbs peek out from the hem of my gold dress with each pass.

Selfish.

I was selfish, and it was killing my sister.

I squeezed my puffy eyes shut and took another drink.

Footsteps approached behind me, and I stared blankly beside me as Zagan sat down. He’d discarded his tux jacket, now in only his black slacks and button-up. He dropped his legs off the pier and rested his forearms on the tops of his thighs to look at me with a furrowed brow.

“Have you drank all of that?” he asked, nodding toward the bottle of bourbon.

I looked at the glass bottle and nodded, my heavy head bouncing with the motion. Giggling, I said, “I’m glad I found this. I came home, and wow! There it was on the counter. So I took it to drink, because I’m selfish. That’s me! Selfish Iyla, coming through!”

I took another swig and hung my head to stare into the water. My murky reflection stared back up at me, flickering with the water’s movement and glinting moonlight overhead. “I’ve neglected what I’ve been taught. I’ve taken for granted all that Mom has done for me and given me. I’ve put my own agenda and life before Gemma’s, making her feel bad about her own situation.”

“Do you hear yourself?” Zagan demanded. “Do you know how far from the truth that bullshit is? You aren’t selfish. Everything you’ve done your whole fucking life has been for other people.”

I sniffled and tilted my chin high into the air. “I know.”

Zagan drew back slightly and stared at me in confusion. “You know?”

“I realized on my drive here how wrong Mom was. Gemma doesn’t see us that way, and I’m literally trying to save her, not kill her.”

“Then why are you—”

“Because,” I growled, turning my tear-filled eyes on him. “Because I’ve always been the version Mom wanted, yet she still sees me as selfish? As a daughter that’s lost to her?” I threw my head back in a humorless laugh.

“I think that’s enough bourbon for one night,” Zagan said carefully. He tried to grab the bottle, but I snatched it away and rose unsteadily to my feet.

“It’s idiotic,” I screamed, watching him get to his feet in front of me. “I’ve given my all for her. I’ve loved her through all the heartbreak and hurt, yet I make one decision for myself and am thrown away?” I clutched my forehead and shook it. “Everything was fine before. She and I were fine. She loved me.”

The hurt morphed into anger as I glared up at him, fresh, angry tears falling. “Why? Why did I do it? Why did I go to that stupid concert and accept those dumb VIP passes? I was a good daughter. I tried my best for her.”

“Iyla …”

He tried reaching out to me, but I shoved at his chest with as much strength as a drunk human could muster. He didn’t even move an inch as I beat my empty fist against his chest. “I gave up every wish I’ve ever had for her, yet the one night I decide to do something I want, to be selfish for one goddamn night in my life, I wind up getting stuck with a fucking demon who ruins everything!”

Zagan’s eyes widened. Even in my intoxicated state, there was no missing the hurt that flickered in his gaze the moment the words left my lips. Yet the buzz of the bourbon kept me from caring. The buzz made the clenching of his jaw and his looking away from me mean nothing. Because that was all that was left inside me.

Nothing.

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