Page 65 of The Devil and His Sparrow

Iyla

I SCANNED THE LIVING ROOM of my apartment. My stomach sank as I realized that it wasn’t mine. This was going to be the last time I’d walk into this place.

“Where am I gonna go?” I whispered to myself.

I’d sent Zagan to get me some boxes for packing my things. I didn’t own much as far as things my mom hadn’t purchased, but I did have a few items that needed packed—clothes Nahla had given me, photos, a stuffed dragon Gemma gave me one year, and a couple other gifts from friends and family over the years.

I felt like I was moving through molasses as I pulled out all of my belongings. The clothes and furniture that remained were meaningless. I didn’t care that I was losing them. It was what the loss represented.

The loss of my mom.

The loss of the girl I’d been my entire life.

What was I supposed to do now?

With Mom no longer expecting anything of me, it should mean new open doors for me, but I still clung to what I’d always known. Faithfulness. Obedience. Maybe if I stayed on track with my schooling and did as I’d always done, she’d welcome me back.

My stomach soured at the thought. Did I really want her to welcome me back?

I wasn’t sure of anything anymore, and I didn’t think now was the time to figure it out, not with the uprooting of my life being so fresh. My head would be clouded with too many emotions to think clearly right now.

I sat on the floor with my belongings, waiting for Zagan to get back. After almost two hours of looking over the things I was bringing with me, Zagan appeared in a plume of shadows. He held a stack of broken down cardboard boxes.

“Sorry it took me so long,” Zagan apologized, sitting the boxes down. “I had a couple things to take care of while I was out.”

That made me look sideways at him. “You didn’t go … finish off my mom, did you?”

He smirked. “It was a tempting idea, but no. The first thing I did was go get you this.” He held up a phone. “I’m assuming your mom is going to demand yours, so I got you a new one. Hand me your old one. I’ll transfer everything over while you start packing.”

It was true. My phone wasn’t one I had procured myself, which meant it was one of the many items that had to stay behind. I handed Zagan my old phone, and he held each device in a hand, his blue eyes bouncing back and forth between the two.

I grabbed a box and started folding.

Zagan knelt beside me and my things, momentarily glancing up from the phones with a furrowed brow. “Where’s the rest of your stuff?”

I gestured to the small pile of items. “This is it. This is all I have that’s mine.”

I placed the clothes, trinkets, and photos in the box and sat back on my heels. One box. All of my things fit into one box. Emotion clogged my throat as I realized how little I truly had and how much my mom provided.

“Am I a bad person?” I whispered, unable to tear my eyes away from the box. “She did so much for me, and—”

Zagan’s hand touched under my chin and lifted it. My gaze locked onto his beautiful blue ones. They were firm, steadfast, and sure as he said, “Don’t you dare. Don’t you think that shit for even one second, Iyla. If you want to see what a bad person looks like, look at your mom. Hell, look at me. What’s happening is not a reflection of you, okay? This is your mom’s loss of control. That’s it.”

I shook my head, sure he was wrong. “Look at how much she did for me, Zagan. She provided everything for me.”

His eyes pinched like they were pleading with mine. “Sparrow, this stuff wasn’t a symbol of her love for you. This was your cage.”

I stopped breathing as his words struck a chord deep inside me. Looking around at the apartment, I took note of the cold space, the stiff furniture, and the impersonal items I never asked for but was given nonetheless. And for what reason? My mother and I didn’t have a close bond, so why did she go to such extremes to give me what I needed?

My cage.

I’d welcomed the apartment and the money for my needs as a safe place and as a sign that I had a small place in her heart. But I realized now that Zagan was right. She didn’t provide all of my things out of love. She did it so that I had no choice but to rely on her, to obey her, and to stay in this gilded cage of lies and sorrow.

I was tired of the bars holding me back.

I turned back to Zagan and whispered, “Let’s go.”

He grabbed my hands and helped me to my feet. He tossed my old phone into the room. The device landed somewhere with a loud crack, but Zagan didn’t even bat an eye, uncaring of where it landed or how badly it just broke. I wanted to chase it down and carefully examine the damage, but I held myself back. That was still the girl inside of me who feared disappointing her mom.

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