Page 47 of The Regrettable Mistake

Steve shook his head. “Nope. That was a tryst at best, blackmail, and a hate fuck to start it all. It wasn’t love. It wasn’t engagements, marriage to someone else, and more children with them. It wasn’t having to watch another woman help raise your kids and you not getting a choice in whether you think she’s fit for the job.”

“So, I should go back to him because it will kill me to see that, to have to make room for another person parenting my child? That doesn’t seem like the right reason to make that decision, Steve.”

“No, but the fact that you still love him does.” He held his hands up before I could make a rebuttal. “Seeing those pictures wouldn’t have brought you to tears if you didn’t.”

“No matter what, I want to get divorced.”

“Even if you got back together with him?” I nodded my head. “That doesn’t really make sense. Why?”

“He married me as a business arrangement. I married him for love. We were not on equal footing going into our marriage. Every day I woke up and looked for him, every time he came home late from work, I’d wonder. Is this the day that he reminds me it was all just an arrangement? Is this the day he breaks my heart and fires me as his wife so that he can get the newer, younger, better version that came out.”

“Damn, Sis. That’s rough, but I guess I see your point.”

“Why are you helping him?”

“I’m not.” Steve pulled in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m helping you make a decision that will change your life forever. You are still able to say no to him. I do think you should cut him a little slack where the baby is concerned though. If I was going to be a father and couldn’t be a part of the pregnancy, I think it would drive me mad. It would also build a huge resentment up for the mother who kept me from those experiences.”

“So, it’s okay if I resent him for cheating and lying, but I should be the bigger person and include him in the moments that are supposed to bring me joy?”

“I’m just telling you how I would feel. I know he did wrong, but is this really how you want to punish him? You’ve been miserable at every appointment you’ve gone to. I’ve seen you looking longingly at the other couples in the doctor’s office. Why not put everything aside, so you can both bond with your baby together before it’s here?” When I sat there quietly processing his words, he added more to his argument. “You can still hate him. You don’t have to get back together with him. But this is something you should both get to experience.”

I had already been miserable doing it on my own and guilty for stooping so low as to exclude Ollie – even if my heart felt like he deserved it. He hurt me. He didn’t intentionally set out to hurt our child. If I kept shutting him out, I would build a rift that would hurt our baby in the future.

“You’re right about the pregnancy. I’ll stop excluding him. I’m still going through with the divorce though. I won’t remain in a marriage where I wasn’t loved from the beginning.”

“I think that’s fair.” Steve pointed to the new boxes. “Are you ready for more or do you want to take a break?”

“Might as well get it all over with at once.”

Each box I opened became less about messages and more about things that would be needed for a new baby. Instead of pictures, the other boxes came with notes. The first nearly ripped my heart out.

Steph,

I don’t know if you already bought anything because I haven’t spoken to you in so long. Not for lack of trying, but everyone told me you needed time, especially after… Well, you know. That close call was all on me. I’m so sorry. I can’t say those words enough because they’re just words, but they’re all I have for now.

If you already have any of this, feel free to donate what you don’t need. I wanted to make sure that the burden didn’t fall on you. We were supposed to be in this together. I understand that you don’t want me there, since I’m the source of your pain, but if this helps alleviate any burden you may be feeling, then I’ll take it as a tiny win.

I miss you.

I love you beyond words and am so damn sorry I was too stupid to see that sooner. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to prove it to you. Until then, I will do what I can and leave you with a promise that wasn’t in my wedding vows. I will never be with another woman unless you choose to take me back. You should have been my only from the moment we got serious and you moved in anyway. I should have never answered that message from her. I should have never gone. She should have remained in my past. I can’t take any of it back, but I can make promises for the future.

I will keep my word, for you.

Loving you from a distance,

Ollie

The box the letter came with was for a car seat I wanted to get, but had been debating on because I didn’t want to splurge too much when I’d still have to find a job after the baby was born.

Steve helped me pull the next box closer to me. It was a pack and play with a bassinet feature in the same cream and mint green color scheme as everything else. I opened the letter that came with it.

Steph,

Mom advised me that the green is a neutral color, since we don’t know what gender the baby is. She also said to tell you that she misses you and she promises not to tell me anything if you will allow her to come visit.

That made me feel awful. Monica had always been good to me and I had shut her out since the hospital incident. It wasn’t really on purpose, but when I got out of the hospital, my mom and brother were there to baby me. Steve would pick up Denmark to bring him to me and he would drop him back off when he needed to go to his grandma’s house or his dad’s.

We had kept up with that tradition, but I hadn’t realized until just now, when it was shoved in my face so politely, that I had essentially cut off Monica, especially since I’d also changed my phone number. I meant to give it to her, but hadn’t really needed to since my brother had been playing the go-between. That was something else I would need to fix. I glanced back down at the letter.

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