Page 94 of Heart of The Night

‘I just… It’s been overwhelming.’

‘I know. I’ve been feeling the same way.’

I sighed, gathering my thoughts. ‘I’m okay, though. I’m at my parents’.’

‘Yeah, Jason told me.’

I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. ‘I’m sorry if you didn’t want me to tell him, but I wouldn’t have been able to hide it.’

‘No, don’t worry, darling.’ Darling. The endearment sent a surge of anguish through me. ‘I’m glad you told him.’

There was a slight pause, the silence stretching between us. I wasn’t sure what to say, but I didn’t want the conversation to end. I wanted to hear him talk, wanted time to freeze around us, locking us in this moment. The future would never happen, then. It would just be him and me, forever.

‘Did you go to dinner with your parents?’ I asked.

‘No. But Jason came over. He left about an hour ago.’

‘Oh, good. I’m glad he’s there for you.’

‘Yeah, me too. We talked. It helped a bit.’

‘That’s good to hear.’

‘Yeah. And I’m really grateful you reached out, Cara. It means a lot.’

I felt a pang of guilt. I was glad I had called him, that it had helped soothe his pain somewhat, but what I was about to say next was bound to make it worse. I closed my eyes, searching for the strength to voice my needs, my heart aching with the complexity of my feelings.

‘Will,’ I began, my voice trembling. ‘I’ve been thinking about work tomorrow.’

There was another pause, and I could hear his dread in it.

‘Yes?’

‘I…’ I grimaced. ‘I don’t know if I’m ready to see you yet. Everything feels so overwhelming, and I don’t think I can handle it. I’m worried I won’t be able to concentrate, or that I’ll start crying in front of everyone.’

There was a sharp intake of breath on the other end, and I could feel his hurt through the phone.

‘Right. I see.’

I pinched the bridge of my nose, squeezing my eyes shut tighter. ‘Do you think I could work from home?’ I asked, the tears stinging. ‘I just feel like I need a day before I face you again.’

He was silent for a moment, and I could hear the suffering in his voice when he finally spoke. ‘I get it, Cara. Whatever you need.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ I whispered, the tears spilling over as relief and sadness washed over me in equal measure. ‘I wish things were different.’

‘Me too,’ he said, his voice unsteady. ‘We should get some sleep.’ I could hear the strain behind his words. It felt like a weak excuse to end the call, like he needed to retreat to avoid falling apart while we talked.

I hesitated, not wanting to let him go, not like this. But he clearly needed space, so I reminded myself to respect it.

‘Yeah,’ I whispered, my chest screaming with emotion. ‘Good night, Will.’

‘Good night, Cara.’

The line went dead, and I was left staring into the darkness. The tears flowed down my cheeks, uncontrolled and unending, until exhaustion finally pulled me into a fitful sleep.

22 | be kinder to yourself

WILLIAM

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