Page 53 of Heart of The Night

The surprise nearly tripped me up. ‘What?’

There was a glimmer of mischief in his eyes. ‘Yeah. Chloe and I are trying for a baby.’

I was momentarily stunned. I had suspected he was warming to the idea, as I had told Chloe, but I hadn’t anticipated him coming around this quickly.

‘Are you having me on, Andy?’

‘No.’

A transient sense of relief swept over me. I was pleased for Chloe. I imagined the euphoria that must be coursing through her veins.

‘That’s fantastic news. What turned the tide?’

Andy ran a hand through his hair, his brow furrowed in thought. ‘I just couldn’t keep it up,’ he said, refocusing on me. ‘I’m not myself without her, and don’t you dare call that co-dependency, because it isn’t. We’re simply two halves of a whole,’ he said, the words tumbling out in a rush.

‘Tell me, what happened?’

He sighed, his eyes drifting toward the oncoming train. ‘She rang me after work yesterday, in floods of tears, asking if we could talk. When I arrived, she told me she didn’t care about having kids anymore. She just couldn’t bear this distance between us. And I know this might sound ridiculous, but that changed everything for me. The fact that she’s ready to shelve her dream of motherhood, just to be with me – that she’d sacrifice something she’s wanted for so long, just to make me happy, just so we can be together… It made me realise I’ve been a selfish prick, that it’s about time I became the man she deserves.’

I couldn’t suppress my smile. ‘Better late than never.’

‘Yeah… So, one thing led to another – no contraceptives involved – and this morning, I told her to skip the morning-after pill. And now I’m freaking out, though not in a bad way. I’m just,’ he paused, searching for the right word, ‘boggled. If she does get pregnant, I’m going to be a dad. Can you imagine that? Me?’ He gestured toward himself, then shook his head in incredulity.

‘I’m very happy for you, Andy,’ I said, meaning every word. ‘You’re going to be a top-notch dad. Do you reckon she’s listened to you?’

‘She’s been dropping me texts every hour, asking if I’m certain, reminding me she’s still in the window to take the pill. But I’m not going to change my mind. I’ve had years to consider this, and last night, I finally made my decision. And when I make up my mind about something, it’s final – especially with matters of this magnitude.’

‘Good. I’m proud of you, Andy.’

He gave a smile. ‘I’m proud of me, too.’

As I regarded him, the stark disparity of our situations came into sharp focus. This was the proper reaction to the prospect of fatherhood – brimming with joy, jubilation, and anticipation. A glaring contrast to my own reality. Andy and I found ourselves in ostensibly similar situations, yet they were underscored by polar emotions. An unbidden sting of envy seared through me, even as I was genuinely happy for him. I found myself longing for that joy, wishing it could have been me.

It was at that moment I realised that, if Cara had been the one to bear the news of a pregnancy, of our child, my reaction would have been closer to Andy’s. It would have been precipitous for us, certainly not ideal, but it wouldn’t have been marred with the dread I currently wrestled with. My concerns would have been of an entirely different nature: sorting out the practicalities, suggesting we move in together, scouring for a home suitable for a child.

Yet, that was a reverie, not my reality, and its indulgence only served to amplify my anguish. Still, there was a sliver of solace in the fact that Andy and I might be venturing into the world of fatherhood together. We could bond over the tribulations of parenting, and our children could grow up side by side.

But it would not alter the truth that my child would not be Cara’s, and it might still end up costing me the woman that I loved.

§ § §

As the office building materialised in our path, a surge of apprehension propelled my heart into a gallop. There, within those walls, would be Cara, her eyes the colour of late-twilight skies, holding me captive with their enigmatic allure.

I drew in a deep breath, steeling myself against the flood of emotions. As I prepared to face her, I put on that mask of indifference, a charade that felt repulsive, designed as it was to deceive her, ultimately betraying my principles. But it was only temporary, I consoled myself. As soon as I had the answers, I would tell her everything.

Relocating her back to the open-plan area had been a wise decision. There were moments when I teetered on the brink of collapse, and her constant presence might have tipped me over, causing an untimely confession. I barely managed to maintain my façade around her, and I knew she was beginning to sense that something was not right. She had inquired about my erratic behaviour more than once, and with each evasive response, I was only postponing the inevitable. It was only a matter of time before she pieced together the fragments and recognised the pattern, amplifying her vigilance. And if she finally insisted on full transparency, I doubted my capacity to continue this deception. I would break under the pressure, whether I was ready or not. My only hope was to have the answers before that day arrived.

‘I think we should bring Alex up to speed,’ Andy said as we entered the lift, casting me a cautious glance. ‘If you’re comfortable, of course.’

I nodded in agreement. ‘Wouldn’t want him feeling left out,’ I said. ‘But, if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not be the one to do it.’

The idea of going over my problems again was exhausting. Discussing them once with Andy had been a weight lifted, but having to repeat those fears and uncertainties felt like a tedious chore I’d rather avoid. And the image of Alex’s reaction, his eyes brimming with pity, held no appeal.

‘Fair enough,’ Andy said. ‘Any details you’d like me to leave out?’

I shook my head. ‘Share as you see fit, but do ask him not to ring me about it. I’d like to be the one deciding when it’s time to chat about this mess.’

‘Duly noted.’

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