Page 17 of Kingdom of Crowns and Daggers

I close the gap between us, and she looks up at me with confusion and hope glistening in her eyes.

“It’s not about the money,” I bite out. “This is the king, Alyx. He’s asking you to pretend to be his fiancée. A Lower. Doesn’t this sound ridiculous to you? Are your alarm bells not ringing?”

Fiancée. Fiancée. Fiancée.

The word circles repeatedly in my mind, getting louder and louder, crowding out all other thoughts. Jealousy is like a living thing within me, tearing me up on the inside and crawling into my brain, whispering foul things.

“I don’t understand, Crux. This is what we do.” Gesturing around us at the stolen art and luxury furnishings, she attempts to hide her hurt from the way I’m speaking to her. I see right through it though, hurting right with her. “We take jobs to kill and spy, and then we move on to the next. Why are you so against this?”

I want to explain and make her see why she can’t do this.

Fiancée. The word whispers through my mind once more, and a flare of anger washes away my intended sentiments. “This isn’t a normal job, Alyx. If you get caught, you’ll put everyone here at risk. You’ll destroy everything.”

That’s not what I meant to say. I wanted to tell her that I can’t bear the thought of her spending time with the king. No matter if she’s pretending to be his or not, the very knowledge of it causes physical pain within me. Would I care if my operation was exposed? Not as long as I know Alyx is safe, but in the palace, she won’t be. I need her here, where I can protect her. I need her.

Why can’t I tell her that?

My comment hits her like a blow, and I watch as she straightens, determination clear in her stance. “You know I’ve taken more dangerous jobs than this. Besides, last time I checked, I take whatever jobs I want. I’m telling you this as a courtesy to our friendship.”

Friendship. That’s what I’m left with, while the king gets a fiancée. It’s not right, and it’s not fair.

“You can’t go. I won’t let you,” I command.

Laughing with disbelief, she takes a step back and looks me over, as if seeing me for the first time. “Let me? What the fuck has gotten into you, Crux? I thought we were friends.”

I’m fucking this up. I can feel her pulling away from me, but I can’t stop myself. I want to tell her so much and confess how I feel. I want to beg her not to go. The world is so much darker when she’s not around. I need her. Why can’t I just tell her all of this?

Because I am a fool who isn’t eloquent, like the king.

Taking a deep breath, I push down my anger and jealousy and try again. “We are friends, which is why I’m telling you not to do this. I can’t protect you inside the palace. I need you to be safe.”

She huffs in annoyance. “I can protect myself.”

My softer words come too late because her walls are already being built up against me, her decision made.

“I know, but?—”

She cuts me off, anger flaring in her eyes as she jabs an accusing finger at me. “Fuck you for suggesting I can’t look after?—”

“I can’t lose you!” I bellow, my heart bleeding in my chest as I open myself to her. I can’t say everything I want to, but it’s a crack in my barriers. I only hope that it’s enough to convince her to stay.

We both fall silent as the words hang between us. Her eyes are wide, and for a moment, I think I see her softening as she reaches a hand towards me. Stumbling forward, I make the most of the moment and take that hand, pressing it against my chest so she can feel my pounding heart.

“I can’t lose you, Alyx. Please don’t do this,” I beg.

She stares up at me, her expression a mix of sorrow, pain, and determination, and I know I failed.

“I can do this, Crux,” she whispers. “I need to do this.”

No. Please don’t leave. Without you, life is pointless. All the riches in the world wouldn’t make me happy if you weren’t in my life. It’s for you. All of this is for you.

Except I don’t whisper those words. “If you go, I can’t help you. You’ll be on your own.” It comes out harsher than I meant it to, my own pain causing me to lash out.

She stares at me, and it’s clear she never expected me to say this, to give her an ultimatum. Dropping her hand from my chest, she takes a step back, and it feels like she’s taking a piece of me with her.

“Then so be it.” She pauses, taking one last look at me, sorrow lining her eyes. “Bye, Crux.”

She turns away, and I watch the love of my life walk out the door and into the life of another man.

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