Page 130 of Kingdom of Crowns and Daggers

Alyx.

My heart clenches painfully in my chest at the abrupt reminder, and physical agony racks my body so hard, I stumble against the doorframe. My breath is stolen from me, the weight of her loss a burden I cannot carry.

It is funny how the grief comes and goes. The smallest thing sets it off, shattering me to pieces and making me useless, which is why I have to hold myself together. I cannot think of her or allow myself to acknowledge the fact that she is gone, as it will tear me apart. Everyone thinks I am strong, and physically, I am, but her presence made me weak. I would gladly accept this one weakness, though, if it meant that I could be a part of her life. She was not just mine, however, and once I realised I did not have to give up my love, I dove in headfirst. The king, the guard, and the assassin all in love with the same woman.

She was everything I ever wanted and didn’t know I needed. Without her, I don’t feel whole. If I didn’t have Joha to look after, then I honestly do not know what would have become of me. My focus needs to stay on him so I don’t get distracted with the past. Return Joha to the throne, his rightful place, and kill the bastard who dared to take what was ours.

Anger smoulders in my veins, lighting me with purpose and burning away all other thoughts. Yes, I am used to anger, and I can use it as fuel to get us through this. It’s this feeling of desolation that I cannot seem to get past. It seems to hide in the shadows of my mind, appearing when I let my guard down for even the slightest second. If I let it take hold of me, I will never be the same again. I lived a good life before her, and I can do that again once I help Joha.

Who am I kidding?

My whole life changed the day I met Alyx. I just didn’t know it at the time.

Joha

The weight of Orion’s gaze only seems to grow heavier as the days drag on.

I want to shout at him to stop looking at me like I’m an injured animal or treating me like a child, acting more like a nanny than my head of guards. There are so many things circling around my mind that I want to say, but I know anything that comes out will just be ragged wails of loss. Even if I could form words and say how I’m feeling, I cannot find it in myself to lash out and tell Orion to give me space. I cannot find it in myself to do much of anything.

If I open my mouth, it will not be words that escape, but pain.

I am drowning in grief, and I do not know how to get myself out of this, as if the tide of despair is trying to drag me further out to sea. Physically, there is nothing wrong with me, since all of my pain is internal. When I look at my reflection, I expect to see scars or wounds, some sort of proof of my agony, but there is nothing. I look as perfect as the day I met her, yet there is nothing left of that man she loved. It all left with her. She took all my goodness, my heart, my power, and my strength with her. I am a shell of a man.

I try not to look at my reflection, as I just feel sick. I should have seen this coming. I should have protected her, but I failed, and I am the one who is safe and alive. When Alyx died, she took my soul with her, and now I feel more like a spectre wandering the land, soulless and broken. I had finally removed Constance from my life and was beginning to rebuild my kingdom with Alyx at my side, our future so close I could taste it . . . only for both of those things to be ripped from me.

She was everything to me. The loss of her is far heavier than the loss of my throne, something I feel disgusted about. Perhaps it is because I know I will get my throne back, but I will never get to see her beautiful face again. My whole life was mapped out in my brain with her at my side, and now I am not sure how to go on. When I became king, I made a vow to put my people before all else, but she worked her way into my heart and became my world.

My people are now suffering though. Crux and Orion think I cannot hear them when they discuss the state of the kingdom in the other room. Really, I am absorbing every word they say, cataloguing Atlas’s sins. No matter what he has done, I am still king, and this is my kingdom. Failing my kingdom means failing Alyx, something I must not do. It has only been in the last day that I have been able to think about anything other than her and my pain. It is funny how guilt and shame have a way of piercing their way through my thoughts. They are fierce motivators.

I need to make this right.

I sit up in bed, my body screaming and aching from disuse, but I do not let that stop me. I have been locked in my devastation for too long. Turning to look at Orion, I find him watching me. Concern and grief line his bloodshot eyes, even though he’s trying to hold himself together for me. We all have our ways of coping.

Crux is out and has been most days, determination written into his every stride. He does not tell us where he’s going, but I am sure it has to do with the usurper on my throne.

Alyx would not want me to waste away, especially not because of her. I can almost hear her scolding comments in my ear.

I shall keep fighting, and I will make sure her brother pays for what he did.

I shall be king again, and when that crown sits on my head, I will spend the rest of my life wishing the matching one was upon hers.

Chapter

Seventy

CRUX

Today is the day. Alyx will be avenged.

While the others were hiding and grieving, I was working—anything not to feel or think.

I have spent the last two weeks haunting the city, looking for those who are still loyal to me. Because I spent so much time in the palace recently, some of my rats shifted allegiance, but I tracked them down and quickly beat some sense into them. Every favour owed to me has been called in with the crime bosses in the city, and when that didn’t work, I bribed the rest.

I created an army.

An army for her.

Finding those among the nobles who still support the king was easier than I thought it would be. These people should really be careful because if I can track them down, then others will be able to as well. Orion gave me the names of lords and other noble families who always supported Joha. To my surprise, I was able to convince them to help me without even needing to bribe them. Even those who weren’t originally a fan of the king want to help, as Atlas is destroying the city. He doesn’t know how to rule, simply ordering people to change things on a whim. The rich are being affected as much as the poor, meaning they are prepared to work together.

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