Page 94 of Beyond the Bright Lights

“My talent. Sure. That’s all I’m good for.”

“Are you kidding me?” She sits up and the restraint I have to not look at her tits is impressive. “I’ve read about all the charities you donate to. How you’ve paid off debts for some of the crew members of the productions you worked on without them even asking. Because you talk to them, you care enough to ask them questions about their life and their families. You hear about their struggles, and you don’t think twice about stepping in to help. Also, didn’t you literally go build homes in India for a few months after a devastating tsunami?”

I nod.

“You’re always willing to greet your fans or help them when they reach out to you. You always listen when they tell you about how your movies have gotten them through hard times. You treat them like they matter.”

My throat burns with an emotion I never let free. Pride. It’s coming from Lana. She sounds so proud of me. It must be contagious.

“Your life is only beginning, Mylan. So much good is in store for you because, believe it or not, you’re a good person.”

A tear drops on my cheek. Another and another until I'm crying. This time, Lana is the one to kiss my tears away. She’s so gentle with me.

I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you.

I must have been saying it out loud because Lana responds with You do, you do, you do.

Our bodies interlock in a mess of legs and arms. We hold each other, intertwined so tightly, not even a piece of paper could fit between us.

We both fall asleep like that.

Chapter 23- Lana

I’m angry at how fast these two months have gone by. Two months of driving to Jonesboro to visit Mylan and having just forty-eight hours with him each week. I tried to come on his days off, which were never consistent. One week he’d only have one day while the next they’d work him every single day. Some days they only needed him for four hours, while other days he was filming for eighteen.

If he had to be on set during one of my visits, we’d take advantage of the downtime in his trailer, making up for missed days by giving ourselves to each other. Then, after a long day on set, we’d return to his hotel room, fuck once more before collapsing into some of the best sleep either of us had ever experienced.

Two months and I’m exhausted. Mylan must be exhausted as well. The crazy filming hours are taking a toll on him because he’s different from the first month of knowing him. I can’t quite pinpoint what exactly has changed and every time I ask if he’s okay, he says he’s fine and just couldn’t sleep without me.

I’ve been struggling without him as well.

Two months and I still don’t know what will happen next. We’ve talked about it. He knows I want him in my life, and I know he wants me to go to L.A. with him but that’s the one part holding me back from making this huge, life-changing decision. He’s also made it clear that if I don’t go to L.A., he will uproot everything to stay with me in Arkansas. How can I do that to him? He has so much life to live and I’m worried I’ll hold him back. I worry he’ll get bored with me. I worry about him falling back into his addiction. Concerns I’ve yet to discuss with him because what if he agrees and leaves me?

I know he wouldn’t, but my irrational brain is trying to convince me of it.

Still, he hasn’t pushed me for my answer. He knows how hard this is for me. He’s so patient and sometimes I tell myself I don’t deserve him.

“You come over here after abandoning us for three months and all you’re going to do is stare at your food while it gets cold?” Gram grumbles, crossing her arms over her sagging boobs in her signature muumuu. Her voice startles me and I force myself back to the present.

“Sorry. I have a lot on my mind.”

“If it’s about that boy, then I hope you’re thinking about your future with him.”

“Et tu, Brute?”

“What’s holding you back?”

“Leaving here.”

“You can come back and visit. Hell, Pa and I need a vacation. We’ll come visit you.”

“I could stay, but then he’d stay. And I can’t allow him to throw his life away.”

“Throw it away? Lana, why on earth do you believe he’d be throwing away his life to stay here with you?”

“His career . . .”

“He’s an actor. One who has a lot of money, right?”

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