Page 84 of Beyond the Bright Lights

He narrows his eyes at the nickname I gave him when we were teens. He hates that nickname.

“Maybe I . . .” He glances around but no one is paying us any attention. The crew is busy setting up the scene. The rest of the cast is waiting behind the cameras until called to take their mark. “Maybe I was a little harsh. Judged the situation too fast. I see that you’re actually trying this time.”

“This time?”

“You know what I mean. You’re, like, focused. Determined. I haven’t seen you this motivated since before . . .” He shakes his head.

Lana watches us, concerned. I give her a wink, hoping that will ease her worry, but it only makes her scowl deepen.

“I think it’s because of her.” Jensen nods his chin at Lana.

“It’s because she believes in me.”

Jensen tenses, his hands fisting at his sides as I had done a minute earlier. “Yeah, well, I used to believe in you too. But you lost my faith when you stopped caring about whether you lived or died.”

Jensen rakes his hand over the curls of his brown hair (for once not wearing that ugly beanie) then takes off his black-rimmed glasses.

“Mylan, I loved you. You were my best friend. I couldn’t stand by and watch you kill yourself. I knew that would have happened eventually because no matter how many times you went to rehab, you’d go out to drink the same night you were released. I had to leave you because I couldn’t save you.”

Jensen’s words break off and his eyes shine with tears. He won’t let them fall because I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jensen cry in the nine years I’ve known him.

“I’m sor—”

“If you say you’re sorry, I’ll kick your ass,” Jensen says, and clears his throat. He’s not angry. He actually smiles. Well, kinda. It's a sad smile. He puts his glasses back on. “What I’m trying to say is that I see the way you are with Lana—the way you look at her.”

“How do I look at her?”

“Like you’ve finally found the hope stolen by this disease.”

My eyes prickle, and I swallow down the threat of tears.

Jensen goes on. “I also talked to people around town, to Rebecca, even though I can’t stand that woman, and everyone says you’ve been nothing but eager for this role. Eager to learn about Tyler and this town. People here love you.”

He peers over my shoulder and nods. I follow his stare and notice the director of photography getting set up, which means we’re about ready to start shooting.

“If it’s her, if she’s the reason you get clean and stay clean, then you better not let her go. And you better not fuck this up. Not with this one. She deserves better than that. Okay?”

So is that what he meant that day in the hotel lobby when he said not this one? He didn’t want Lana to get hurt by me.

Jensen holds out his hand, and I do the same. He slaps my palm twice then turns and walks away. Not quite our secret handshake but it’s something. A start. A step closer to repairing our friendship.

Bruno appears next to me. “Say the word and I’ll charge him for upsetting you.”

I bark out a laugh. I don’t even tell him the saying is ‘make him pay.’ I wipe the tear that somehow rolled down my cheek. Me, crying? I hate crying. Fuck Jensen for making me not loathe him—for making me miss him and our friendship.

“You okay, brother?” Bruno nudges my shoulder.

Am I? For the first time in my life, I don’t know if I’m okay. Because for the first time in my life, I have hope. Hope that my life isn’t so fucked up. Hope that I hit rock bottom, and this is me climbing back to the surface.

This time is different.

Chapter 21 - Lana

Going to set became easier. Everyone was so welcoming and informative. If I had questions, they answered them.

Despite the constant burn of grief at the back of my throat, not once did I let it take control. Instead, I found myself excited. I found myself enjoying seeing the story unfold before my eyes. A story I lived and seeing how the actors interpreted it, how the director choreographed it, was fascinating.

Beautiful.

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