Page 78 of Beyond the Bright Lights

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go back to set. It was too . . . painful. And I hate that. I hate that I’m still allowing my past to debilitate me.

Why does grief have to be so vicious and never-ending?

I promised myself I’d let the pain in. If I could just feel it, maybe I’d eventually become numb. Maybe the pain would eventually become bearable. I couldn’t do it when the book came out. But now? I’m older, I’m stronger, I’m ready to move on. I thought I was ready before but now it’s . . . different.

Is it because of Mylan?

He’s certainly been the key to opening my closed doors. The grief I’ve kept locked away is ready to be freed. Time to place it in a part of my heart that I can easily revisit but not let it consume me.

Mylan is my stepping-stone to cross the deep waters I’ve let myself drown in.

Could he be more? I . . . that I cannot answer. It seems improbable. We come from two different worlds, from two different decades. We’ve lived two different lives. Though, have we? We both have our demons. His are more demanding than mine.

Loving someone means accepting their faults. Accepting that it won’t be easy. There will be times of pain, suffering, and heartbreak. With Mylan, and his addiction, loving him would be the biggest challenge I’d ever face.

Two weeks, and I’m talking about love. I must be losing my mind. It’s not love. It’s not. It’s . . . lust. Infatuation.

It’s a hot summer fling.

Possibly the biggest lie I’ve ever told myself. It’s more. It has been more the moment he walked into my bar. Still, if nothing serious comes out of this . . . summer with Mylan, maybe we can stay friends. We’ve certainly connected. Not just sexually either. I find myself missing him when he’s not around. Or wanting to text him about a scene in the book I’m reading because, turns out, Mylan reads a lot of books.

We’ve spent hours upon hours talking about our favorite books, ones we hated, and ones we want to add to our ever growing ‘to be read’ piles. He mostly enjoys thrillers, science fiction, or fantasy books, but he said he reads all genres. He even wants to start reading the spicy romance books I enjoy (for research purposes).

It’s the next morning. The day after the first day of filming. I’m still in bed, lost in my thoughts when my phone chirps with a text.

Mylan: Good morning donut

I roll my eyes at the nickname that I tell myself I hate but secretly love.

Me: Good morning you annoying brat.

Mylan: Me? Annoying? Never

When Mylan and I first started texting, he’d make fun of me for ending texts with a period. Question marks and exclamation points are fine, but he told me nowadays no one ends texts with periods. Something about it being too aggressive and final. Seriously. I Googled it. Who knew? Whatever. One more thing to make me feel old around him.

Me: I see how you didn’t deny you’re a brat.

Mylan: I’m your brat

I send him three eye-roll emojis and he responds with three winky-eye faces.

Mylan: Are you coming to set today?

I roll over and groan into my pillow. I knew he’d ask me again. He asked me last night when he called after they finished filming. It was late, near midnight. He must have been giving me space because he didn’t ask to come over. I wanted him to come over. I wanted to cuddle, but that would have led to a sex-filled, sleepless night and an exhausted Mylan showing up for his eight a.m. call time.

Another text pops up after I don’t answer right away.

Mylan: We’re filming a scene similar to the story Coach Harold told me about Tyler helping that kid and his mom

My heart flutters with curiosity. Everyone in our school talked about Tyler helping his teammate for weeks. They called him a hero. The newspaper wanted to do a story about it, but Tyler refused. Rebecca included it in the book, but they obviously changed it for the movie. I want to see what they did.

I can do it. I can be strong this time.

Me: Yes. I want to go to set today.

Mylan: Good because I’m at your door

Walking into the school-turned-movie set for the second day isn’t as overwhelming. People don't seem as frantic. First day jitters are out the door, replaced with determined mindsets.

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