Page 93 of Beyond the Bright Lights

“I’m offended.”

“Haven’t you had stalkers in the past?”

“I still have stalkers, but they’re not you. I’d love if you stalked me.”

“You’re such a weirdo.”

“I’m your weirdo.”

Silence stretches between us, and I worry that Lana fell back asleep. I should go to sleep too.

“Why do you do it?” Lana asks, her voice quiet and forlorn. “Why do you drink when it caused so much trauma in your life?”

“The booze is a problem only when I pair it with pills or other drugs.”

“Do you really believe that?”

I suck in a sharp breath. I do believe that. “I can handle myself when I'm just drinking alcohol. The pain pills, the other shit I put in my body, it takes me away from reality. I turn to it when life gets to be too much.”

“I read some articles about your past stints. Did they not offer you therapy?”

I snort. “Of course, they did. I guess I'm too fucked up for it to work.”

“Or it didn’t work because you didn’t allow it. You weren’t ready. You have to want to get better. You have to have something to live for.”

My chest burns with guilt. With . . . regret. She’s right. I can’t tell her that, though. I’d have to tell her why this last stint was different. I change the subject.

“Tell me about the symbols tattooed on your spine.” It’s the one thing she hasn't shared with me. I only see the tattoos when we’re naked, or when she wears a backless outfit, and before I can ask, her body distracts me and I'm touching and fucking her.

She sighs and my stomach tightens at the feel of her breath on my skin. “I know you’re changing the subject because you don’t want to talk about this anymore, and I’m going to let it slide.”

“Because you do it to me all the time?”

I can’t see her face, but she definitely rolled her eyes. She leans up and turns her back to me, swooshing her dark red hair out of the way. I run my palm up and down her back. I smile when she shivers and goosebumps surface along her arms.

“I got them on the tenth anniversary of Tyler’s death. They’re minimalist designs—a timeline of our life. From bottom to top: the water and sun represent the lake where Tyler and I met. The two faces kissing indicates our first kiss. The fireworks are from our senior trip to Disney World. The crowns are for when we were named Homecoming King and Queen, not only in high school but in college. The two interlocked rings for when he proposed. The two crosses for his death but it also symbolizes Tyler’s Team. Finally, the tiger lily. To signify a new life. A new beginning. A life without him.”

“They’re beautiful.” I slide my palm over the tattoos again. “The flowers on your arms are tiger lilies too?”

She twists back around, and I open my arm so she can return to my side.

“Yes. So are the flowers planted at the front of the bar and at my grandparents.”

“They must be your favorite, especially since you named your bar Lilies.”

“They are. My mother’s too because of what they symbolized: rebirth. She always believed in second chances. And she was so optimistic. Even about the bad things in life. She would always say with every negative, a positive must occur. Yin and Yang. The universe is all about balance and if you’re experiencing the bad, the good is soon to follow.”

“What if all you’ve experienced is bad for twenty-five years?”

“Do you really think that Mylan?”

I shrug.

“You’ve had a lot of bad things happen to you but there’s been plenty of good.”

I’m having a hard time believing her. She must sense that because she starts listing them off.

“You’ve brought this world your wonderful talent. You’re giving Tyler life again.”

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