Page 39 of Secrets of Avalon

“Milady, if you’ll just stand here, we’ll help you out of your clothes and then we can wash your hair and let you soak. I’ve added some oils to the water to help relax you. Master Kellan said you’ve had a stressful day.”

“I can undress myself. Turn around, please.”

“Yes, Domina. Of course,” they both answer together and turn to face away from me.

I dart a glance at the door to the hallway. “Is the door locked? No one will just come inside, will they?”

“I’ll secure it, Domina.” The older maid walks forward to the door and I hear a lock snick into place. The tiny sound sends a ripple of relief through my body.

I start unhooking and removing the cloak, the dress, and the barely there shift beneath that. It all piles around my ankles. It’s weird to undress with other people in the room.

“How do you know Kellan?” I ask, trying to distract myself from the idea of having help bathing. But after looking at the pitchers and vials and brushes laid out by the tub, I know I’m going to need help. I follow their instructions and climb into the water.

“I’m in. You can turn around now.”

The older of the two maids, a woman with kind eyes and a gentle smile, turns first and meets my gaze. "Neither of us have ever met Master Kellan before today. We are part of the King and Queen’s retinue and volunteered to help care for you while you’re here in Camelot for the Changing of the Guard. His reputation is known throughout our world. He is the most highly sought after somatophylakes in our world.”

“He doesn’t have a family of his own, anywhere?”

“Most Drakonii who train to be somatophylakes only serve for a few centuries before settling down and having a family. Kellan has served over and over for many many centuries. Never once has there been a rumor he was considering settling with a family.”

That’s sad. He seems like the family type of man.

But I don’t say any of that out loud. Instead I sink down further into the perfectly hot water, leaving thoughts of my big dragon-y bodyguard to float away. Because even though I know I shouldn’t want him, my mind keeps wandering back to Hawke. The way he looks at me. The way his touch ignites a fire inside my soul. It’s a connection I can’t deny, curse or not.

But getting into a relationship with Hawke will be dangerous. My emotions will be volatile and vulnerable. The chance of getting pregnant is too great. I was on birth control before I got here, but I didn’t exactly come through the fountain to Avalon with any luggage, so my pills are in my bag back at the camp at the foot of the mountain.

And just like that, you’re back to thinking about sleeping with him. Something you can’t ever do. Focus. Less ‘Fifty Shades of Fae Prince,’ more ‘How not to destroy the world with your magick.’

“Could you just leave me here for a while, please. I haven’t had a moment alone since I arrived.”

“Master Kellan told us to stay with you, Milady.”

Tears well in my eyes. “Could you just wait outside the door? Please? Just for a few minutes.”

Both of them exchange a look I can’t really see because my vision is blurring. I can't hold the tears for much longer. And I just need a minute. A minute without a man hovering over me. Or a woman. Or anyone.

“I just need to cry,” I say it out loud without meaning to. “And I just want to be alone. Please.”

The older of them nods. “We’ll be right outside if you need us, please just call for us. We’ll come back and help you dress.”

“T-thank you, um…ah–”

“Elen,” the older woman answers. “I’m Elen and that is Lydia,” she says, pointing to the younger woman.

I nod, grateful and slightly embarrassed. Kellan had introduced them, but I hadn’t been paying close enough attention to which was which.

After the door closes behind them, I let the tears run down my face. They’re slow at first, just a trickle here and there. But it doesn’t take long for everything I’ve been holding in to come pouring out and the little stream of tears becomes a flood. And sobs wrack my body and… fuck. My magick billows out and I try desperately to clamp down on it.

But I’m so tired.

I’m so anxious.

It was so stupid to think I could cry and not lose control. I know better.

“M-milady. Something’s wrong.” Lydia’s voice calls from behind the door. “I don’t feel well.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry!” I cry out, clambering out of the tub with a huge swish of water. “I’m so sorry.” Breathe. Make it stop. You’re going to hurt everyone in this tower. I start to count. It always helped before, but it’s not right now. I’m still a ticking magickal time bomb.

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