Page 64 of My Guardian Gryphon

My chest clenched, and I turned from Javier’s hard gaze. My heart pounded in my chest. Of course I did. I loved Alek more than anything in the entire world, but I was so scared that I couldn’t think straight. It was irrational, but it was my reality. I didn’t want to be scared, but I was. That’s why I was trying to get my brain reset. “I’m so scared.”

“Of him?”

“Of how his Gryphon reminds me of—” I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t compare him to that monster. They both had talons the size of my fingers, though Alek would never hurt me. I knew that. Deep down in my soul, I knew he would never…but I couldn’t shake the memory of Xerxes. Of the way he’d used that against me. The way he’d compared himself to Alek. He’d purposefully planted the similarity in my mind, and now I couldn’t shake it.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He crossed to the door and opened it. “There are some things we need to discuss before you make this choice. Bailey didn’t lie when she said magick comes with a price.”

Alek walked in, his face somber and etched with pain. “Please give us a moment.” Alek’s tone was soft, beaten.

“No, don’t leave.” Each word a struggle. Another man. I was surrounded by men, but I needed him to help me. I needed him to fix me.

I winced, pulling my comforter tighter around my shoulders. Javier’s words stung with truth, but this was the best option. I didn’t see an end to the pain or the fear. I couldn’t live and be afraid of the man I loved. Everything had been perfect, was perfect, until it wasn’t.

I’d ruined it with my stupid choices.

Now when I looked at Alek, I saw the beast first instead of the man. A scary beast, not the beast that I’d found amazing and strong and wondrous, and now I didn’t want to be touched.

“I’m sorry.” Alek knelt at the side of my bed, setting down a fresh glass of water.

“I need you to move away from me.” My voice shook with each word. I trembled from the tips of my fingers to the end of my toes. Every few seconds I would steal a glance at his hands, waiting for them to change into the deadly talons I knew existed beneath his human facade. My mind had created a monster where my heart knew it didn’t exist. It wasn’t fair.

He nodded and backed away from the bed, taking up residence once more in my desk chair. “I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry. I just needed to touch you, and I thought if you could just feel our connection—”

“I want to forget. I can’t live like this. When I think someone is going to touch me, I freak out. I feel them, Alek. I feel their hands and…everything. I’m not strong enough to heal on my own.”

“Javier.”

The vampire stepped toward the bed again.

Alek turned back to me. “I told you I would die to save you from another moment of suffering. I meant what I said. You are more important than anything to me in this entire world. This can heal you. This can take away your pain. This can give you back your life, your spirit, everything. If this is what you need, I want it for you with my whole heart.”

Relief flooded through me. We could just go back to that night, to when the world was perfect and right. There were no monsters behind my closed eyelids, behind every sound, in every touch.

Javier took a seat on the other edge of the bed. “I have to touch your head to do this.”

I swallowed my fear and nodded, inching closer until I was within arms-length of him. This would be worth it. I could do this. I could handle his touch long enough to give me a second chance to be in love with Alek, to belong to him the way I’d wanted for so long.

Javier placed his fingertips on my scalp and temple. “Look directly into my eyes.”

“Okay.”

“Before I start, I have to warn you. This is not an exact science. There’s always a chance that more will be taken than what you might want to lose.”

“What do you mean?” A new fear shot through my body. I’d lost so much. Losing this pain felt like the answer, but the tone in Javier’s voice stilled my heart.

“You might not feel the same way about Alek after this. You might not love him. You might not remember things about him. Memories are tricky, and taking them away is one of the most challenging things a vampire can attempt. We don’t really worry about the men who come back and forth to the castle. They’re expendable to some extent.”

I glanced at Alek, expecting him to call the whole thing off. Part of me wanted him to make that choice for me. On one hand, I wanted nothing more than to forget all that had happened to me since I crawled out his bathroom window. On the other, I didn’t want to lose him. What if I forgot him and was left with this aching hole in my heart that I couldn’t explain or fix?

“You won’t lose me, Gretchen, no matter what. Even if we have to fall in love all over again, you have my heart. Rose said that’s why the marks came. Part of my soul is inside you, and part of yours is in me. That’s the light that shines when the marks glow. We are forever bound. Memories or not, I will always love you.”

My stomach twisted, and my fingers shook in my lap. He was right…we could fall in love again, would fall in love again. Like he said, we were bonded. These marks on my collarbone linked us at a level I didn’t even pretend to understand.

“Look into my eyes.” Javier’s voice cut through my whirling thoughts.

I snapped my gaze to his and then jerked away from his hands. No. “No. I can’t. I won’t risk losing you, Alek.” Tears welled in my eyes. “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to touch you or anyone else again…ever.”

“Are you sure?” He came out of the chair and squatted beside the bed. “Javier can make it so you don’t have to live with any of it. Even if you lose some of our memories, we can start fresh. It will be okay.”

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