Page 62 of My Guardian Gryphon

Those men, that man. Everyone who’d touched me had hacked a piece of my soul away. I didn’t hurt because I couldn’t feel anything anymore.

And I didn’t want to.

I’d pulled away from Alek like he was diseased. I’d seen the pain and hurt in his eyes, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t care. He couldn’t fix me. No one could fix me. No one could take away this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, this ball of blackness and guilt that twisted and rolled and threatened to overtake me.

“Give it time,” Bailey said, her voice soft and tender in the silence of the room.

She didn’t know anything about me. Time? Really? Time would erase the memory of those men’s hands on my body, of them using me and hurting me and torturing me for their pleasure and amusement? Really? Time. That’s all.

“Leave me alone.”

“I promised Alek we’d stay till he returned.”

I threw the covers off my body and sat up. “Get. Out.” My voice sliced through the small room, surprising even me with its ferocity.

“If you ever want to talk, I’ve been there.” Bailey continued like I hadn’t just shouted at the top of my lungs. Like my outburst meant nothing.

“You don’t know what I went through.” Tears burned at the corners of my eyes. No. No. No. I didn’t want to feel it. I couldn’t. It was too hard. It was better to be still and silent and feel nothing. Why wouldn’t she just let me feel nothing?

“I was raped, too. Tortured, beaten, hunted. The list goes on, Gretchen. So yes, I do know a little about what you are going through.” She whispered something to Erick, and he left Bailey’s side and slipped out my bedroom door, leaving just the two of us…alone.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I want to forget it. Tell me how to forget it. How to not feel their hands sliding up and down my skin. How not to feel where they slapped me. How not to feel the—” My throat closed up, and I couldn’t finish the sentence. “I deserved what I got. I ignored everyone’s warning.”

“Don’t you dare.” Bailey’s voice struck like a whip.

I flinched and turned away from her again. Tears poured uncontrollably down my cheeks again. “I snuck out. I left Alek’s house. I left the safety of the castle. I didn’t believe that it could be as bad as they said.”

Bailey moved to sit beside me, careful to keep her body from touching mine. “No one deserves what happened to you. Don’t ever think that. Not for a single moment.”

“You could make me forget.” I turned to meet her intense gaze. “I just need to forget. I can’t live like this, with this.”

“You can’t heal if you forget.”

“I don’t want to heal. I want to forget. The Protectors make the men forget us when they leave here after the joinings. How is this different?”

Bailey’s mouth tightened, and her gaze dropped to the floor. “Influencing someone takes something away. Magick always comes with a price. Erasing trauma could erase more than you want to part with. It’s not worth the risk.”

“That’s my choice.”

“No.” Bailey’s voice firmed again, becoming harsher, less comforting and more insistent. “I can’t do it anyway. I’m not strong enough, and I haven’t learned how.” She stood from my bedside and walked to the door. “Plus, you have something I didn’t have for a really long time.”

I scoffed, flopping back onto my pillow.

“You’re not alone.”

My breath caught in my throat, and I choked on the angry words I wanted to spit back at her. Alone. I might not be alone in this exact moment, but I would be. Another crisis would come and what happened to me would be old news. Unimportant. Irrelevant. But I didn’t yell or scream. I just let the deadness inside me swell and quiet the pain.

Just because she wouldn’t help me—couldn’t help me—didn’t mean the other Protectors would refuse me as well.

The door opened and closed. I could smell him before he rounded the foot of the bed and stepped into my line of sight. “Can I get you another blanket?”

“No.”

“I want to hold you.” His brown eyes begged for permission, but I couldn’t. The thought of anyone touching me sent a sliver of terror down my spine like the sharp tip of a blade being dragged slowly from my neck to the curve of my lower back. I could still feel the blade. I had felt it, but it hadn’t been steel. It’d been the tip of a talon or claw, and it’d reminded me of Alek and our night—that one wonderfully perfect night, forever trapped and locked away in the back of my mind—but now…now I couldn’t…I couldn’t let him touch me.

I didn’t want him to see my fear. I didn’t fear him, but I was terrified of what my memories would do to him. How they would hurt him. Make him feel guilty. He didn’t deserve to feel guilty. No matter what Bailey said, I knew what’d happened to me was my fault.

Not his.

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