Page 99 of Fractured Frets

“It’s the truth. If you don’t see that, comprehend that, get that...or feel the same way, then end this. I’d give up everything to be with you. I don’t want to...but I fucking will. I love you. More than anything. If you can’t commit to us, or don’t want to be with me, or won’t ever trust me, tell me the fuck now so my heart can break, so I can hate myself for believing you were mine, and so I can get the fuck on with my life.”

“Slip. I do love you.”

“Then what’s the fucking problem?” Hurt hissed in his tone. “Am I not good enough for you?”

“You are enough.” My head pounded with turmoil. “This is a me thing. I’m an insecure, fucked up mess. I want to come home to you every night and be a part of your every day. That’s not what we have. Or may ever have. This is just not what I envisioned for a marriage.”

“No, maybe not.” His jaw tensed as too much emotion swirled through his eyes. “But I live to hear your voice, read your texts, to see you. There is no better high than making love to you and seeing you smile. I will work with you on aligning our calendars, live between two cities, and spend every second I can with you. We don’t have a normal life of day jobs, staying at home, and playing house. I don’t want that. But if you do, and you need me to walk away from the band, the tour, LA—say the word. I am dead fucking serious.” He softened his tone, spearing my heart. “No one gets me like you do. We’ve seen each other through so much over the past two years. You have become my strength. I have your name tattooed on my flesh. I’ll get one over my heart, too, if it helps.” He splayed his hand across his chest as a warm breeze teased his loose hair. “So enough with the bullshit. We have busy lives. We’re all afraid of getting hurt again. But I’m not Noah. You’re not Courtney...thank fuck. I’m willing to risk everything for you. I fucking love you. But the ball is in your court, Mads. Don’t drag this on any longer if you already know the answer.”

“I don’t have an answer.” Not a clear one.

“You should.” His gaze burned into mine. “Deep down, in the depths of your heart, your gut, your soul, you should know.”

“I need time together. Can we just wait until after the tour like we planned? Please?” My heart cried. I couldn’t form any more words to tell him how much I loved him and how afraid I was to lose him. That I was scared he’d break my heart.

His eyes glassed over. My ribs cracked.

His shoulders slumped as the air drained from his lungs.

Shit. I’d broken him.

“Can’t you give me anything, Maddy?” His voice was nothing but a pained whisper.

“Yes. I want us to work. I want to see our plan through.”

“To stick to our agreement is one thing, but I need you to trust me. Love me as much as I love you. Can you do that?”

“Love isn’t the only factor at play, Slip. We need time together to work things out.”

“Fine.” He wiped his hand down his tired face. He stared off into the distance across the vineyard, sucked in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “That’s fine. But right now, I need time alone. I’m going for a walk. I’ll see you later.”

He disappeared into the darkness, down into the vineyard.

Why couldn’t I stop him? Why couldn’t I just let go of all my doubts and trust him, love him with everything I had to offer, kill my insecurities... andbe free of my responsibilities?

Fuck.

My heartbeat stabbed my ribs with sharp blows.

What a mess.

I staggered back to my room and flopped onto my bed and cried. All the sheets smelled of Slip. I tugged his pillow against my chest and inhaled his scent.

A soft knock came on my door.

“Mads? It’s me.”

Sutton.

The door eased open, and she crept inside. She sat on the side of the bed and stroked my hair. “What happened? You okay?”

“I hate fighting. I hate that we only see each other for such short periods of time. I hate that our future together will only ever be on a part-time basis.”

“Hey?” She grabbed a tissue from the box on the nightstand and handed it to me. “Can I give you some tough love?”

“You wouldn’t be my best friend otherwise.” I dabbed the tears from my eyes.

“You are married.” She took my hand in hers and gave it a shake. “That is a full-time commitment. There’s nothing part-time about it. So stop thinking like that. You might not be together physically, but you are emotionally and spiritually.”

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