Page 2 of Tortured Tones

Gutted, I shook my head. “That night was such a blur. Do you remember your Christmas party after our last tour?”

“Bits of it. It was a long time ago.”

Old wounds on my heart tore open as the murky memories and hazy nightmares came to life. “Aidan had died two weeks prior.” My first lover, my boyfriend in high school, had committed suicide. “Our tour had ended.” The exhaustion after a six-month grueling schedule across the US had taken its toll. “Priah had just dumped my ass.” The love of my life had shattered my heart, ending our almost two-year relationship to return home to India. “I was a mess. Such a fucking mess. That night, I got so fucked up on drugs and alcohol, I couldn’t even remember my own name. Shelby was upset, drunk, high, and jealous you were with Lena. We weren’t in a good place. The more wasted we got, the more lines blurred. Really blurred.” I sank deeper into the sofa, sifting through the fog in my head but only tiny flashes and snippets came to me. “I have a vague recollection of her dragging me into the laundry room. Doing it on the counter. But I clearly remember waking up the next day in one of your spare bedrooms...next to Yvette.”

“Yvette Chang?” He raised an eyebrow. “She’s freaking hot.”

“Yeah. She is.” I still hooked up with her occasionally. “But something about that night didn’t feel right.” I struggled to make sense of everything. “These visions of being with Shelby kept haunting me. When I called her a few days after that party, she denied everything. She told me to never call her again. So, I didn’t.”

That should have put the matter to rest. But the images in my mind never went away. I’d had too many sleepless nights, too many guilty nightmares, and had questioned my sanity about what had happened too often. “That’s why I never told you.” My voice scraped the back of my throat. “Shelby was my friend too. In a maddened moment, we obviously fucked. Being with her was a mistake. Now I’ll be paying for it for the rest of my life.”

Geez. I was a complete fuckup.

How could I be a father?

I sure as shit didn’t want to be like my parents. They’d had little do with me and my sister, Tia since we were born.

“Cole.” Flint grabbed the bottle from me, took a sip, then wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. “I loved Shelby. I really did. But we were over. Lena was my world until that relationship died in the ass too. Now I’ve found Sutton. She’s my one. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He handed the bottle back to me. “You shouldn’t have let this shit about Shelby, Aidan, and Priah...and no doubt Phil, fester. I don’t care you slept with Shelby.”

“Hmph.” I shot air through my nose. “You say that now. But things were different back then.” Way different. “Phil had caused havoc during our tour, trashing rooms, picking fights with people at parties, and experimenting with stronger drugs. I came so fucking close to quitting to be with Priah. You were in the thick of taking flack in the media for our wild gigs. Slip was pissed at you for not honoring the dibs rule. We were at each other’s throats. Do you honestly think we’d still be together if I’d told you ‘I’m not sure but I think I slept with Shelby?’”

“Yes.” He didn’t hesitate. “How could you think otherwise?”

Shit! Now, I felt even crappier. But no. I’d lost too much; I couldn’t have risked losing someone else I loved. “I wouldn’t jeopardize our friendship on uncertainty. After losing Aidan, and Priah leaving, I needed you guys more than ever. I’m nothing without our band.”

“I’ll admit things were shaky. But we’ve stuck together. We’ve always survived. This band is my life too.”

I took a sip of vodka then rested the bottle against my thigh. My issues were insignificant compared to everyone else’s. Priah had been my tipping point. Never again would I lose my head and heart to someone like that. I’d come so close to giving up music for her. Hell, I’d contemplated moving to India. But Priah hadn’t wanted me to. Her culture and family came first. Not me. Turned out she had some guy waiting to marry her back home. She’d known about him for years. I was just temporary. Used and tossed aside.

Everyone lied.

Love destroyed lives.

I’d contributed to more than one trail of destruction.

I hadn’t been able to love Aidan like he’d wanted me to. I’d learned quickly I loved women more than men. He hadn’t handled our breakup well. I’d ignored his calls, his texts. I’d thought a clean break was for the best. I’d failed to see he wasn’t well. His suicide tore my soul in two. He might still have been here if I’d just picked up the phone.

Shelby and Flint had loved each other so fucking much. But study and music had pulled them in different directions after school. I’d never wanted to tarnish what they had.

Priah and I had been so in love...but her family had torn us apart.

And Phil? ...I’d loved Flint’s brother like he was my own sibling, but I hadn’t stepped in to help him fight his addiction in time.

I hadn’t stopped him from getting in that car that night.

What I’d thought was the right thing to do, to keep everyone happy, had turned out to be wrong. Phil’s death had been my fault too.

I didn’t want to destroy any more lives.

I didn’t want to fuck up a kid’s life.

All I wanted to do was go on our tour, play music, be with my friends, and enjoy being with women I didn’t have to care about. I wanted to have fun and never be hurt or hurt anyone else again.

But how the fuck could I do all those things with a child? “Flint, what am I going to do?”

“I don’t know, man. We’ll work it out together.” He rubbed and patted my knee. “But one thing you need to do is set in your mind that being with Shelby wasn’t a mistake. We weren’t together. She was smart. And beautiful. And funny. You were there for each other in a time of need. If it’s your kid, you have to find a way to accept what happened. For the kid’s sake.”

“I don’t want to be a father. I’ll suck at it.”

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