Page 81 of Loving the Liar

I haven’t spoken with my mom since the day of initiations. Ignoring her is easier than accepting what she made me do.

“She went to France with a “friend” to forget about this whole situation. I’m surprised you don’t know. You both seemed so close since you planned how to get initiated behind my back because you didn’t trust me to find a solution for us.”

“She came to me,” I snap. “She didn’t go to you all beaten up, she didn’t order you to sacrifice yourself to fix this situation as if you were nothing but a disposable asset.” Disgust rolls over me. I had done my best not to think about my mom knowingly sending me to a place where she knew women suffered to the hands of cruel men. I didn’t want to acknowledge it. And Luke is forcing me to do that.

“My own mother threw me to the wolves, Luke. And instead of trying to make me feel better, my brother told me he was disappointed in me. As if I didn’t do this to protect our family in the first place.”

His jaw clenches a few times, frustration pouring out of him, and he avoids my gaze for as long as he can. But just like he can only ignore the truth for so long, he ends up looking me in the eyes again.

“I’m so sorry, Els,” he rasps, something constricting his throat. “That Mom was so selfish, and that I was so cruel. I would have done anything to save you, and knowing that you two did this without my knowledge is an excuse I tell myself. You didn’t know, Luke. That’s why you couldn’t help. I’m your big brother, and I wasn’t able to protect you, but we both know it’s not because you initiated behind my back. It’s because I’m useless. You have no idea how much my heart breaks every day.”

He pulls at his blond hair, downing the drink he’s holding.

“I’m haunted by images of what they could be doing to you. I’m sick. I can’t take it.”

I blink tears away at the same time as I watch him swallow them. And I decide that we don’t both have to suffer from this. And there’s no way I won’t keep hurting, so why make him hurt too?

Lies will save my brother, and they flow past my lips easily.

“They don’t do anything to me, Luke. They didn’t, and I doubt they will.”

Painful flashes crash into my being like waves against a shore during a storm.

Reeves tearing my dress open.

“Do you think I don’t see the bruise at the corner of your mouth? I’m not stupid, Ella.”

Megan slapping me so hard I fall to the ground.

I smile at my brother.

“I got hit by a branch while I was initiating. They make you run through a maze. Annoying, but that’s it.” I shrug. “They make a big deal out of all of this, but it’s just an overrated membership club.”

Kneeling for Eugene Deuval. The sickening fear. Begging them to spare my family.

I see the hope brightening his eyes. He’s starting to believe me.

“Honestly, they talk about Aphrodites and all, but there are so many of us that no one is interested in me.”

The Aphrodite room. The ballgag. The restraints. The way my brother’s best friend used me like a whore and made me believe it wasn’t him.

I chuckle and shake my head. “They’re just old men with too much money and they’re all talk. This is dumb.” And seeing the way his shoulders relax, I conclude with the lie of all lies. “Plus, I’m allowed to say no. If anyone wants to spend time with me, I can refuse and that’s it. So, like I said. Nothing will happen to me.”

The human brain is fascinating. Even if our subconscious knows the truth, our conscious will latch onto anything to keep us at peace. Luke could ask why I’m so angry with our mom if I’m safe. He could think of all the information he has on the Circle. He could draw smarter conclusions than the bullshit I’m feeding him.

But instead, his eyebrows fall, he takes a step forward, and he puts a hand on my shoulder. “Is that true?”

I can carry the pain for the both of us.

“It’s true, Luke. I promise you.”

Not knowing how much longer I can pretend, I take his drink and down it.

“I’m going to go hang out with my friends now, if you don’t mind. And let lose a little, will you? You’re so boring when you’re stressed.”

I slam the glass of the shot I just took on the desk to forget the conversation I had with my brother at the beginning of the night. I’m so drunk I can barely see straight. I didn’t want to go to Chris’s party. But then we tried to go to the Xi Ep party, and the girls didn’t let me in. I got kicked out of my sorority, and when I got here my own brother tried to kick me out. So I decided to get drunk. Don’t-really-control-myself, stupid kind of state. I showed the game room to my best friends, and we decided to get absolutely wasted in here.

Henry, some post-grad I met tonight, keeps hitting on me, and I’m not stopping him. I’m having too much fun, and I just want to feel something for anyone else but Chris. And if that feeling is slight interest, low-dopamine kind of excitement…I guess that’ll do. So when he slaps my ass during a song, I bend over the desk and giggle, “Harder, Daddy!”

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