Page 65 of Our Blood, Our Pain

None of us respond, and we get up to leave. Leaving Aaron clinging onto Lev like a life raft. It makes me crave to be close to Kai. My Kai.

38

KAI

It’s getting late and neither Simon or Jules are back, which I’m thankful for. I needed the quiet to think. Since I arrived here it’s been a rollercoaster, always something happening or someone around. I haven’t heard from Dima either, surprising, considering he wants me gone. He won’t have to worry as I’m gonna leave. It’s better to jump than be pushed. Jules and I are a fantasy, Dima was right, we could never work and Mom would never accept us, no matter what we said to try and convince her. Let’s say me and Jules did leave on our own to start again, what would happen to me if he changed his mind and decided I wasn’t worth the time? I’d be left with nothing and no one.

As I snuggle further into my pillows with the comforter covering me up to my nose, hoping I get some sleep, the sound of the front door echoes around the house. I can hear muted conversation, Simon and Jules, no doubt. Their voices get closer, and I recognize Simon’s door across the hall from mine shut and the light in my room brightens as the door slowly opens. I keep my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep. Jules doesn’t talk or check if I’m awake. As usual, he does what he wants, which from the sound of the shuffling of his clothes, is to undress and join me in bed. This is a first.

He climbs in behind me and pulls my body tightly into his, trapped between his arms and legs. It’s the most intimate act we’ve done and I can’t allow myself to enjoy it like I want to. It’s a natural instinct in me to want to be close to him. He falls asleep pretty quickly, while I have no such luck. I’m wide awake and my brain is in hyperdrive, overthinking everything.

I check my phone and I see that an hour and a half has passed since Jules fell asleep. I untangle myself from his arms, and look over my shoulder to make sure he’s still asleep. He looks so peaceful, like a man that sleeps with a clear conscience, which is hilarious when you look at who he is and what he does. Very gently, I pull my legs away and swing them over the edge of the bed, placing my pillow in the spot I laid in. Jules is dead to the world, and now I know this is my chance to leave.

I tiptoe into my bathroom, using my cell phone light to find the bag I packed earlier, and quickly scoop up my toiletries and pack them up with my clothes. I grab the pants and hoodie I left laying out on the side of the bathtub and quickly dress. When I have everything, I walk back into the room where Jules still sleeps and take my last fill of the man I’m completely in love with. This is it. I’m actually walking away.

With small careful steps, I walk down the hallway to the front door, put on my shoes, and grab my coat off the rack. As I hoped, Jules’s car keys are in the bowl on the hallway table. He’ll go mad, but I don’t have access to another car. The front door opens and closes quietly, no sign of anyone moving in the house, so after locking the door behind me, I make a run for the car. All of the lights are off in the main house, and the only noise is the wind in the trees and the nocturnal animals starting their day. The moon again is bright tonight, lighting my way to the front of the property.

Before I know it, I’m in the car, engine on and ready to go. My stomach twists, making me hesitate for a brief second. It’s like I’m leaving a part of myself behind, the magnetic energy between us already trying to pull me back into that warm bed with him.

No, this is for the best.

I watch the mansion fade into the night as I drive further away. I had no plans on where to go, but I know where I want to go. Home. I need to see my mom, and surround myself with familiar things that I took for granted. Am I a little concerned about the whole Zac situation? Yes. But not enough to stay away. I’m sure as long as I stay out of their way, things will be good. It’s not as if they would know I’m home, the road I live on doesn’t lead to anywhere they hang out. I connect my music to the wireless and settle in for the three hour drive.

Things will feel better once I get some distance.

Liar, liar, liar.

Just over three hours later, it’s the early hours of the morning and I pull up onto my mom’s driveway. It’s actually really good to be back home, I didn’t realize how much I missed it until now.

Using my key, I quietly let myself in, and straight away I’m swallowed up in the comforting house smells that’s everything Mom. I remove my shoes at the entrance hall and creep down to my bedroom, closing the door gently behind me. Everything is as I left it, like time has stood still. Being back now feels like I never left, the only difference is that the issues I had here are now new problems I’ve brought home. Issues I won’t be able to discuss with my mom. It sucks.

Without undressing, I collapse onto the bed and cover myself with the comforter. The long drive has exhausted my brain enough that I have no problem drifting off.

I have no idea how long I sleep, but a gentle shake of my arm has me waking up to see my mom sitting on the edge of my bed. A frown is etched on her face, probably wondering what the hell I’m doing here.

“Kai, are you okay? Why didn’t you call to let me know you were coming home?”

“It was a last minute decision. Good to be back though,” I say as I sit up and give her a hug, and fuck do I need it. I want to cry, but manage to hold it in as all I seem to do lately is cry.

That’s because you’re weak.

“I’m happy you’re home, but are you sure everything is okay? You seem…I don’t know…sad,” she says when I pull back, and she lovingly watches me. Always looking out for her son.

“Things have just been stressful, I needed a break. I’ll only be here a couple of days,” I say. She’ll assume I’ll be going back to Grinston, but in truth I have no idea where to go.

“Why don’t you get cleaned up and I’ll make us some breakfast before I have to go to work.”

“Sure.”

Mom leaves the room, and before I head to the shower, I tentatively check my phone, waiting to see dozens of messages from Jules. Nothing. Not surprising, I suppose. It’s six-thirty in the morning, so he won’t be up yet. Dragging my tired ass out of the bed, I cross the narrow hallway and start my morning routine. Shower, brush my teeth, shave, piss and talk to myself in the mirror. I look so damn tired, my eyes have dark circles and there is sadness in them that’s difficult to ignore. I try to keep my eyes focused on my face, because I don’t want to look lower, knowing my marks have faded. The hickey is still visible on my neck, but as I give in and stare at my torso, a wave of sadness and loss drowns me at the barely there bruises. I feel naked without them. Lonely without the tenderness and proof of ownership. This is it. Jules doesn’t own me anymore and it fucking kills me. This is so stupid and unhealthy. Who the hell wants to be covered in hickeys and handprints so that they can feel whole? I rub my face hard with both hands, shaking myself out of this low mood, and turn my back on the mirror.

Returning to my room, I quickly dress in my jeans and a sweater, then walk out into the kitchen, which is open-plan with the living and dining area, and start to make a pot of coffee. Mom enters the kitchen about five minutes later, dressed for work. She works as a receptionist at a local car dealership, which she really enjoys.

“What do you fancy? Pancakes? Sausage?”

“I’m not hungry, thanks. Coffee will be fine.”

Mom pins me with that look, she’s about to dig as she knows something is wrong and her patience has come to an end.

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