Page 93 of Ocean of Sin and Starlight

She gave me life.

And I left her to bleed.

All of that I see in just one look.

And then it’s gone as she’s hauled up the rest of the way and brought on deck with Maren, her focus everywhere else but me.

Ramsay is already at Maren’s side, and everyone else has crowded around, tending to the two Syrens. It takes all my strength to stay back, to not rush over to Larimar, though I don’t know what I’d do or what I’d say.

You don’t seem that elated. Abe’s voice slides into my head as he walks over to me.

Turns out, it’s complicated, I mutter.

Remember to breathe, he says. You’re tugging at your ear.

So I am.

I bring my hand down to my side, but my fingers dig into my palms instead as I make a fist.

What is the likelihood that your beast will make an appearance tonight? he says to me.

It won’t.

You didn’t really think this through, did you? he goes on, pointing out the obvious.

I glare at him. Is this supposed to be helping me?

The doctor gives me a kind smile. I just want you to think things through now, while you can. Before you have a reaction.

I already am having a reaction.

No, he says. A reaction that could change our relationship with everyone on this ship. A reaction that could get us ostracized. A reaction that could put everyone’s lives at risk. A reaction in which you end up breaking your own heart again.

I want to snap at my friend, to tell him he knows nothing about heartbreak, but I don’t.

Because he’s right.

The last few weeks on the Nightwind have been some of the most enjoyable I’ve had in a long time, and I’m sure Abe has felt similar. Even with the hunt for Larimar in the back of my head, I was able to set it aside from time to time to focus on the journey, on the crew, on the camaraderie of being amongst like-minded creatures. The day-to-day tasks in keeping the Nightwind in tip-top shape have done wonders for my soul, more than preaching the gospel every Sunday ever did. As a priest, I was always struggling with my relationship with God, but here, I realized my relationship with men and Vampyres was the real challenge. It’s one thing to think God has forsaken you because of the monster you became, but it’s another when you think humanity has.

In the end, I was tired of being alone, of feeling alone. I think everyone gets that way eventually. The need for connection, no matter how hard we try to deny it, is more important than our need for salvation.

It’s why the church and religion are so important to so many.

Why Larimar was so important to me.

She came into my life just as Abe left, showed me there was more than one way to truly connect with someone.

And now, she’s here, and I have to be ready for her resentment and her rage.

I have to figure out how to put my own aside at the fact that she left me and broke her promise.

I have to find a way to control my temper and my own feelings before I destroy this second chance with her.

God, help me do it.

Or the Devil will step in.

I touch the rosary beads around my wrist and try to count back from ten.

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