Page 59 of His Road Dog

"Mom?"

"Hm?"

"What was it like when you fell in love with Dad?"

Her mom's hands fell to her lap, and she sighed contently. Nicole warmed. Her parents had never hidden their love. Those living in the commune believed all signs of love should be shared and enjoyed. It wasn't uncommon to see couples copulating out in the open or several in the same room. When feelings came, there was no reason to hold them back.

But it wasn't the show of love that she wanted to know about, it was what her mom felt inside that no one could see.

"It was exhilarating. I didn't even have to be around him, and he made me feel like I was flying free above everything that could tie me down or hurt me." Her mom started snapping beans. "Oh, sure, there were times I fell out of the sky, and as much as he lifted me back up, I sank to the ground, questioning everything."

Reminded of Priest and how he'd made her stay on the railing of the deck, high above the mountain cliff, she quivered. She knew exactly how that felt.

"Why?" she asked.

"Fear that he wouldn't love me as much as I needed, and I'd lose that hope of being perfectly happy." Her mom's fingers worked faster. "When you love someone, completely love them, losing them is a fear that constantly dwells in you."

"Does it ever go away?"

"Never. The longer I'm with your dad, the stronger that fear grows. I can't imagine not having him with me. We're getting older every day. Our lives are more than half over. It's hard..." Her mom shook her head. "I don't even like to think about being apart from him."

She understood what her mom was saying, but she couldn't claim how she felt about Priest as love. She'd never loved a man before to fall back on experience. Everything was new to her.

What she had was a need or a want. Half the time, it was an obsession.

Was there fear?

Definitely.

But her distress wasn't centered on Priest. She was scared of the danger and her guilt over becoming involved with Roy. If she had made better choices, she would have a chance with Priest.

"Honey?" Her mom dumped a handful of snapped beans in the bowl. "Your dad and I will always welcome you home, and we've given you time to rest and decompress, but what scared you to run back to us?"

"Why do you think I'm scared?"

Her mom's eyes softened. "A mother knows."

She dumped her unsnapped beans and leaned forward, planting her elbows on her knees and propping her chin on her hand. Growing up, she never thought her parents understood her need to leave the commune. Once she'd left, she realized that her parents, at one time, were outsiders until they'd dedicated their lives to each other. She'd never met her grandparents on either side. They'd passed away before she was born, and her parents never talked about that painful time in their lives.

Deep down, she'd clung to the realization that both her parents knew what drew her to the outside world, even if they had chosen to live within the protection of the commune.

Her parents were hippies. She was an adult child of two hippies. Their path wasn't the way she wanted to live her own life.

"I met a man," she whispered.

"Mm-hm."

She glanced at her mom. "It's not like that."

"Then tell me."

"I'm talking about Roy. The man that was murdered in my motel room."

"Nicole Dalia." Her mom straightened in the chair. "In your letter, you made it sound like you were okay. That it didn't involve you."

She shook her head. "I wasn't there when someone killed him."

Her mom reached over and stroked Nicole's cheek. "My poor baby. I thought he was only your new friend. I never got the feeling that you were that close to him in your letters. Did you love him?"

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