Page 80 of Peer & Coco

Chapter 33

Peer grabbed the papersoff the mantle that Kelli had given him two weeks ago and went outside. Sitting on the step, he let his eyes adjust to the darkness. There was a streetlight in front of the house that afforded him enough light to read.

Before he could force himself to find out what Kelli wanted him to learn, he lit a cigarette to calm himself enough that he could hold off his anger.

A car passed in front of the house. He followed the glow of the lights as they drove out of sight.

Coco was inside sleeping. His son was tucked in his crib, innocent to the troubles plaguing Peer.

It was expected of him to lead the family, to shelter, and protect. He couldn’t do that with a past that would follow him wherever he ended up.

He held up the stack of papers and scanned the first sheet. It was all the information on Tyr's birth. His weight. His height. The time. The day—which was four days before his assumed birth.

He closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose. He would always regret not seeing his son take his first breath. That right had been stripped away from him by Kelli.

He set the paper by his side, wanting to keep it. Someday, Tyr would ask about all the details, and he'd want him to know.

The next several papers were hospital admittances and discharges. There were three of them. They were for Kelli, not Tyr. Diagnosis: Postpartum Depression.

There was that word again.

Was she sad about having a baby on her own? Was she depressed that she was no longer a single woman but a single mother?

Not once had he told her he wouldn't help. He'd offered her money, care, and support. Every time they talked prior to the birth, he let her know he wanted an equal part in raising Tyr.

He set the papers down and looked at the pamphlet in the stack. Holding it closer to his face, he began to read about Postpartum Depression.

As he learned more about the mysterious illness that Kelli suffered through, he went through every emotion possible. The information left him shaking. Everywhere he looked, he tried to find somewhere written in the pamphlet where he could blame Kelli for not taking care of herself or not seeing the signs or doing something wrong until he finally stopped looking.

His body shook. He closed his eyes.

Not wanting to hide away from the truth, he read the rest of the papers, finally coming to the last one. It was full-disclosure about her treatments and how she adapted to getting off the medication after nine months. He swallowed hard. Her doctor noted that she was on the road to accepting what she'd gone through, adapting to her life, and positive about the future, which included getting to know her son again.

He restacked all the papers, then bent his legs and braced his elbows on his knees. Kelli had to let him have custody of Tyr because she was unable to care for him. When she was unable to take care of an infant, she'd done the best thing for their child and gave their son to him.

And, Kelli had gotten help.

For every hardship, frustration, and mistake he'd made trying to figure out how to be a single father, Kelli had been battling her own problems.

The door behind him opened. He rubbed his face as Coco sat down on the step beside him. She snaked her hand underneath his arm and hugged his bicep to her chest. He reached down and squeezed her thigh, leaving his hand on her leg.

"Are you okay?" she whispered.

He shook his head. Everything he'd believed over the last year had been a gross misunderstanding. The fears he'd cultivated and grown wouldn't disappear in a night or because he'd read some doctor's reports.

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Coco.

"There's nothing to say," he muttered, feeling twice as heavy as his weight.

Coco leaned her head against the side of his arm. They had plane tickets that would take them to Norway in two and a half weeks. Bringing into light what he'd found out tonight would only complicate his plans.

"Why didn't she tell me?" He stared out to the street. "I told her every time we spoke to each other before Tyr was born that I was here if she needed anything."

"Only she would be able to answer that question."

"Fuck." He tensed, knowing he could've done something different. Maybe he missed a sign that she wasn't okay or that she wasn't handling the pregnancy as well as she wanted him to believe. "I don't know what to do."

"You could talk to her." Coco kissed his shoulder. "Now that you understand the situation better, you can find out what she wants from you."

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