Page 52 of Tiny Fractures

He eyes me suspiciously up and down, noting my empty hands. He’s probably wondering what in the world I have to give him. He turns his body toward me. “Okay?” he says, arms by his sides.

I decide it’s now or never because I will overthink this and stop myself. I close the small distance between us, reach my hands around Ronan’s neck and tip my head up, pulling him in for a kiss. I can feel his breath hitch as I open my lips to allow him entrance, and his tongue finds mine.

Without hesitation, he reaches for my hips and pulls me in toward him. The feel of his body against mine is becoming more and more familiar each time we kiss. I relax into him and allow his warm hands to rest on my bare lower back, sending electricity up and down my spine.

He pulls away from me too soon, and I open my eyes, blinking back at him. “You are making it extremely difficult for me to take it slow and do this ‘the right way,’” he says. “I… God,” he groans, running his left hand over his face. “It’s so damn confusing, but I’m not sure I can keep kissing you like that for much longer and continue to pretend we’re just friends,” Ronan tells me, his eyes staring into mine.

I nod at him, feeling torn.

“Cat, I’ll move at whatever pace you need me to move, but can you give me a hint of where you see this heading? What are we doing?” he asks, his gaze intense.

I know exactly where I see this heading, what my heart wants out of this. But my head is in a different place. It’s an internal battle I’m fighting. I want to be with him; I want him to claim me as his and I want to claim him as mine, but I’m so, so scared that I’ll mess this up for him like I did for Adam. I bite my lower lip, wanting to phrase my answer carefully. “Ronan, I… I think…” I trail off, swallowing hard, trying to push through the fear and reach for what my heart wants. “I want to be with you,” I say, suddenly aware of how clammy my hands feel and how hard my heart is beating. “But you need to know that, just before I left North Carolina, I got out of a bad relationship. It was not a good ending at all and, actually, it’s the reason why my mom moved me to New York. I think I’m still a little messed up, and I don’t want to force you to deal with my stuff, so…” I lift my eyes to gauge his reaction.

His expression remains neutral as he contemplates me. “Complicated, huh?” He’s referring to our very first conversation, when I told him my move to New York was complicated.

I nod again.

“I can handle complicated." I can tell he’s making a statement more profound than what his words relay, but I don’t press him right now. “Listen, Cat, I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want. And I can’t promise you that things will be less… ‘complicated’ with me,” he says, then hesitates. “But, I at least need you to know that I’m really falling for you. Hard.”

His tone is serious, but my heart flutters in my chest at his words, spoken so sincerely.

“And… this could be really good or… or really bad, but… I guess… I’d be down to give this a shot if you are?” He lifts his eyes to look at me, his lips slightly parted—kissable, enticing.

Even though my head is putting forth all the reasons why I shouldn’t be with Ronan, my heart wins this one. Without needing to speak another word, I close the small gap between us and fling my arms around him.

“So, we’re giving this a shot then?” he asks, his arms still by his sides.

A laugh—partially nervous, partially elated—escapes my mouth as I look into his gorgeous face. “Yeah, I guess we are. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

He gives me my favorite half smile before encircling me with his arms, pulling me close to him, and kissing me like I’ve never been kissed before.

Before making our way back to the deck, we agree to play it cool with our friends. “Vada has been so pushy, I kind of want to let her squirm a little bit longer,” I say ruthlessly, and I love it when Ronan says he’s one hundred percent on board with this plan. So, we grab the food and drinks from the counter, then make our way back out to the deck, where Vada promptly makes a comment about us being gone for a long time while giving us a knowing grin.

Ronan shakes his head, avoiding eye contact with me. We manage not to make our attraction for each other obvious. Although it’s tough, especially when one of the cheerleaders, Dani, joins us out on the deck and just about throws herself at Ronan. That tiny monster in my chest rears its head, especially now that I’ve let my guard down with Ronan, leaving myself open and exposing myself to pain. But Ronan is respectful and gently declines her offer to go somewhere a little more private, to the utter surprise of Zack and Steve, who give Ronan the hardest time.

“Are you feeling alright tonight, Ran?” Zack asks.

Ronan just chuckles, his eyes finding mine.

“No, seriously,” Zack continues. “Did you hit your head or something? Dani is smoking hot and she just made it blatantly clear that she would like you to please fuck her. And you’re turning her down?”

“I don’t have to hook up with every girl who hits on me, do I?” Ronan shrugs.

“No, but you usually do, especially when she’s as hot as Dani.”

Ronan shifts uncomfortably in his seat, no doubt eager for a subject change. “Okay, well I guess I’m older and wiser now.”

“Wait, so your birthday resolution is to fuck less? I think you’re doing this wrong, Ran,” Steve chimes in, laughing.

“Fuck, guys, I’m glad you’re so very concerned for me and my sex life, it’s truly touching, but I’m good,” Ronan says. “Things change,” he adds simply, gets up from his seat, and walks into the house without another word, leaving Zack and Steve to exchange questioning looks.

“I, for one, am glad that he didn’t go for it this time,” Vada huffs. “I’m not a fan of him constantly hooking up.”

“Yeah, we know, babe,” Steve chuckles.

“Seriously,” Vada continues, rolling her eyes at her boyfriend, “I know you guys always encourage him, but you know that’s not fulfilling to Ran, right? There’s no meaningful connection or anything. It makes me sad for him,” she sighs.

“Maybe he likes it that way?” Zack says with a shrug. “I mean, he’s not complaining, and I’m sure if he wanted something different he’d have no problem making it happen.”

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