Page 155 of Tiny Fractures

Heat rushes through me as I imagine his hands all over me. “I like that idea,” I say. “I’m so glad you’re home.” A deep sigh escapes me.

He doesn’t respond right away. “Baby, I’m so sorry for all the shit you and everyone had to go through these last few weeks. I didn’t want any of you to be pulled into this darkness. I know it’s been hard on everyone. I’m sorry.”

I can’t believe he’s actually apologizing to us for what his mother did to him. That’s how brainwashed he was by his mother; she managed to make him believe that everything that happened was his fault.

“Listen to me, sweet boy: none of this is your fault. Of course we worried about you, because we love you. I love you,” I say with as much sincerity in my voice as I can possibly muster. I need him to hear it, need him to understand that he’s not to blame for what happened to him, just like he needed me to understand that the wounds Adam inflicted on me weren’t my fault. It’s funny how Ronan recognized the abuse and the fault fallacy in my situation, but he’s unable to see it through his own trauma.

There’s silence on his end, and I really don’t want him to go down a dark path right now.

“Alright, well if you don’t mind I’m going to get naked now, so I’ll need to let you go,” I say, my voice teasing again.

He chuckles. “Or you could also just give me a video call and let me watch you take a shower. I wouldn’t mind seeing you… soap yourself up.”

For a second, I consider this option. “I didn’t take you for a Peeping Tom,” I say, stripping off my pajama bottoms.

“Only when it comes to you,” he says, his voice gravelly. “I can’t keep my eyes off you.”

I blush. I’m so in love with him, it’s overwhelming sometimes. “Well, I might just need another shower this evening. You know, that beach sand gets everywhere.”

“You’re killing me, baby,” he chuckles.

“That’s not good. I want you to stay very much alive for a very, very long time,” I laugh.

“Then you’re going to have to stop teasing me so much.”

“As if you don’t tease me.”

He laughs again. “Good point. Let’s just agree to not tease each other. At least not until we see each other in a few hours and I can actually do something about it.”

“And what are you going to do about it then, Ran?” I keep edging him on because I’m getting worked up thinking about spending some alone time with him later today.

“Oh, I can think of a few things.” I can hear the need in his voice now.

“Even with your knee?”

He lets out a raspy chuckle that sends electricity straight between my legs. “I’ll figure it out. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

Well, I have no doubt now that the next few hours are going to feel way too long.

Luckily, Vada drops by an hour later and convinces me to go on a quick shopping trip to pick up some warmer clothes now that it’s fall and steadily getting colder outside. We talk about Halloween, and Vada throws out the idea of planning a Halloween party at Shane’s beach house, of course. I like the idea, especially since this will be my first Halloween here in New York, with my friends, with Ronan. I feel so light having him home, like the opportunities are endless, and I tell her so while we’re standing in line to pay for a pair of jeans for Vada and two sweaters for me.

“That reminds me,” she says, and her tone takes on a serious note. “When I talked to Stevie this morning he said Ran had a horrible night.”

I raise my eyebrows at her. “He sounded tired when he called me, and he told me he didn’t sleep well, but said he was fine.”

She pulls a face. “Stevie said Ran had some horrible nightmares last night that he couldn’t wake up from. It happened like three or four times. Think drenched in sweat, tossing and turning, like night terrors that you can’t wake up from.”

“Ran didn’t say anything like that,” I say, my good mood wiped away, replaced by concern and a little bit of hurt that he didn’t feel he could tell me about his dreams. But I remember what my mom has been telling me about trauma and people’s ability to work through it or talk about it. I know Ronan will need time, and I can’t push him into anything. All I can do is be patient and be there for him. I’ll just be present, tell him I love him, show him he’s safe with me.

“He hasn’t talked about it with Stevie this morning, either. Stevie said Ran refused to engage with his dad about it, too, and only said that he’s been having these nightmares for weeks now. His dad is apparently really worried about the whole thing. Stevie said his dad called Ran’s therapist and, I guess, they’re going to keep an eye on it,” she continues as we pay and walk out of the store.

“I wish there was something I could do to help him,” I say. “It just feels like he’s all alone in this.”

“I know what you mean, but we’re doing what we can, Kitty Cat. All you can do is be there for him. You can’t undo the past, but we can all help him get through this.”

When she drops me back at home, Vada and I agree that she’ll pick me up a little while later to head to the beach.

“Bring your swimsuit, Kitty Cat,” Vada says.

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