Page 149 of Tiny Fractures

I fell asleep and woke up again only to find that Steve and Shane got to the hospital at some point in the morning. Steve actually cried when he saw me, lowering his head.

“God, Ran,” Steve choked out, furiously wiping his face, trying to remain composed but failing miserably. “I thought I lost you.” He sank onto the chair next to my bed.

I had a flashback to being on the ground, struggling to breathe, and I remembered Steve kneeling next to me, how frantic his voice was while I was struggling for air. “Thanks, Stevie,” I said, my voice raspy. I sounded like I had been chain-smoking since I was a toddler. The doctor said it was because of the intubation, and it should get better as my vocal cords recover.

Steve analyzed my face. “For what?” he asked, his voice still thick.

“I know I wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t… hadn’t walked in…” I started, but trailed off. I couldn’t get myself to say what happened out loud.

“Why didn’t you tell me what she was doing to you?” he asked.

I couldn’t get into it with him right then. I couldn’t unpack this—not there, not then, maybe never.

“Fuck, I’m glad you’re back,” Shane finally said from behind Steve, his voice tight, emotional. He moved to my side and squeezed my right hand, apparently the only part on my body people aren’t afraid to touch. “You scared the shit out of us,” he continued, and I could tell by the expression on his face that he meant every word.

We chatted for a few minutes before my body started to feel too heavy again and I needed to close my eyes. Sleep started dragging me under again.

“Hey, is Cat okay?” I asked groggily, looking from Steve to Shane and back again.

“Let’s just say she’s hanging on,” Shane said.

I knitted my brows, becoming exceptionally aware of how much everyone must have been through these past few days. I feel like shit about it. I never meant for this to happen, for everyone to have to find out what was going on behind closed doors.

“Can you guys call her and let her know I’m awake? I need to see her. I need to tell her something…” I managed to say before my eyes fell shut of their own volition and I instantly fell asleep.

***

I woke up to soft, warm hands grazing my knuckles. Cat sat by my bed, her long, wavy hair falling over her shoulders and onto my forearm while she studied my hand in hers. She really is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and, fuck, even in my completely doped-up state she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. She’s honestly like a dream.

I moved my hand and she looked up at me, her hazel eyes wide, and her tears immediately began to fall. I hate that I’ve been causing her pain.

I managed to stay awake for a little while, savoring the minutes I got to spend with my friends, but mostly with Cat. She didn’t move from my side, resting her head on my right upper arm while Vada chatted at me about nothing in particular. Nobody addressed the giant elephant in the room, and I was grateful for it.

Steve and Shane helped me sit up—a huge feat that took a lot out of me—but I started to drift off to Vada and Tori telling me how they’ve all been visiting me every day. Cat’s soft hair smelled like lavender shampoo, and before I knew it I was asleep with Cat by my side.

***

When I wake up again I’m dismayed to find that Cat has moved from my side, replaced by a nurse who’s messing with my IV—hooking me up to more saline, I think. I turn my head to see that my dad is back and that Zack and Summer have joined the party. Everyone is eating takeout.

Shane notices I’m awake. “Hey dude. You feel like eating something?”

I shake my head slowly. “Not hungry,” I groan. The pain medication takes the edge off, but there is nonetheless a constant discomfort, amplified by any careless movements or shifts in position. My mother obviously did a number on my body and, honestly, I’m surprised I made it out of that beating alive.

“You should eat something, sweet boy,” Cat says, grabs her paper plate, and retakes her spot in the chair next to my bed. I watch her eat, her feet propped up on my bed as she leans back in her chair, smiling at me. What I really want, though, is to pull her into my arms, to kiss her. I want to feel her so badly.

Eventually, my dad decides it would be best if everyone left for the evening and allowed me to get some rest. I don’t protest too much, even though I want nothing more than for Cat to stay with me. But I don’t want to burden her. She looks tired, and I tell her so as she stretches her long legs.

“I haven’t been sleeping great,” she admits, and I feel guilty again knowing that my being here is the reason she’s so exhausted. “But hey, you’re with me now. You’re awake. I bet I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight,” she says with a heart-stopping smile.

“Cat,” I croak, willing my voice to be louder when everyone begins to file out of my room. She turns to me, and I could drink her in. “I should've told you this a long time ago, and I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner, but I’m telling you now.”

My voice cracks, and Cat looks at me expectantly.

“I love you,” I finally say.

And there it is, the three words I’ve been holding on to for some time now. Words I should have told her weeks ago, but at least on her birthday, the night she trusted me completely. I’ve been head over heels for her from the moment I met her but too damn afraid to admit it out loud. I’ve been scared shitless by what it means for her, for me, scared of allowing myself to feel something this big with how fucked up my life is… was… is; I don’t know.

But without a pause, Cat takes the five steps to my bed, leans down, and kisses me softly, gently.

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