Page 5 of Kissing My Soulmate

I knew I didn’t have the right to be jealous, not anymore, but I still love him. God, what if he’s dating someone already?

Picking up Bob, I swallow the bile back down. “When will the pain stop?”

My boy headbutts me and gives a little “meow.”

I kiss the top of his head and then place him on the floor. He follows me into the kitchen and I grab a couple of his treats and toss them onto the floor. In the refrigerator, I grab my bottle of pinot and pour myself a healthy amount.

Taking a huge swallow, I pour more into my glass. I carry it into the living room and kick off my shoes before sitting down on the sofa. I glance around the room, and everything is off the walls, and stuff is packed in boxes.

The only things Jasper took, besides his clothes, was his recliner and the furniture from our spare bedroom. I set my wine glass on the coffee table and lie down on the sofa.

I’ve been so tired lately, and I know why…I’m depressed. I miss him so much. He’s my best friend and I feel like I’ve lost him twice.

***

“Why didn’t you tell us what was going on?” Audrey says as I sit across from her at Jolt, a cute little coffee shop by the office.

I’ve been avoiding being alone with her, not wanting to answer the questions she may ask. Of course, she’s been tight-lipped about what’s going on with her and her life, but she’ll tell me when she’s ready.

“You have had so much going on and it was supposed to be a happy weekend, we didn’t want to cast a shadow over it.” Blinking rapidly, I will the tears not to fall.

Audrey reaches out, grabbing my hand. “I’m so sorry. You guys—I feel…”

I shake her hand. “No, don’t. This sucks, it really does, but this is the way it needs to be.” A tear escapes and slides down my cheek.

She stands and pulls me up and into her arms. I cry softly as she hugs me tight.

God, I miss Jasper’s hugs. It sounds so goofy but they always made me feel safe, loved. Something I never got when I was growing up. I know after his mom and sister left; he didn’t have that either.

Once I’ve got myself together. I kiss her cheek and we take our seats. I take a quick sip of my iced tea.

“What happened?” Audrey holds up her hands. “You seriously don’t have to tell me. It’s not my business unless you want it to be.”

I take a deep breath. “We both decided from the beginning that neither of us wanted children. His dad was abusive, you know. I was raised in foster care from the time I was two until I aged out, after my parents hurt me. I guess neither of us wanted to pass on any bad shit to innocent kids.” I take a deep breath. “But the moment I held Sadie’s baby, I felt this intense longing, and having a child became something I want. The worst thing about this is, the only person I want to have them with doesn’t want them.”

I don’t miss the tear that slides down her cheek. She gets up. “I don’t care, I’m hugging you again.”

Audrey pulls me out of my seat and again, wraps her arms around me. She doesn’t say anything, for which I’m grateful. Her support means a lot.

The tears dry up and I get myself under control, and then with our arms linked we walk back to the office.

***

“You’ll receive some anesthesia that will have you sleepy, but not full general. The procedure will take about thirty minutes and afterward you’ll have a little bleeding and cramping,” the educator tells me, then hands me a couple of brochures. “If you decide to go forward with the retrieval, that’s the injection schedule. The other is different ways to prepare.”

I pick them up as sweat begins to roll down my back. “Okay, and if I decide to go through with it, I call for the physical exam and then get the hormone injections to give myself?”

“Exactly. Take some time to think about it. This is a big decision.”

I stand and walk out of the clinic, knowing I have an option. In my SUV, I toss the brochures onto the passenger seat. On my way home, I stop at the grocery store. If I decide to freeze my eggs, I need to be healthy.

I’ve been eating lots of sweets lately and it isn’t lost on me that my clothes are getting tighter. For the sake of my possible future children, I need to be in the best place I can be.

Becoming lazy and extra soft isn’t going to mend my broken heart and isn’t going to cure the loneliness that has plagued me lately.

Once my cart is filled with lots of fruit, veggies, and other healthier items, I get in the check-out line. I pay for my items and once they’re bagged, I grab them, and as I’m walking toward the exit, I spot Jasper walking inside.

I want to run and hide because I haven’t seen him in over a month. He freezes when he sees me. “Hey,” Jasper says as he approaches me after becoming unstuck.

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