Page 1 of Finding Hope

Chapter One

Jonathon

Jonathon stood outside the bedroom he had shared with his wife for the past two years. He was waiting for his turn to say goodbye to her. How could a twenty-two year old woman be losing a battle to liver cancer? She was healthy. She never drank and she fucking exercised. His four-year-old daughter didn’t need to be saying goodbye to a mother she might soon forget. Jonathon hated that his baby sister and daughter were in there right now hugging and kissing her for the last time. He knew he should be the one to help their daughter say goodbye, but he just couldn’t do it.

The door opened a minute later and Jonathon’s sister, Tessa, and daughter, Josie, stepped into the hall. Tessa’s eyes were red and puffy, her face wet with tears. His daughter looked up at him with big brown eyes that were identical to his sister’s. They didn’t hold sadness, just confusion.

He pulled both his sister and daughter into his arms, hugging them tight. “I don’t want her to die,” Tessa whispered against his neck.

Jonathon didn’t know what to say because he didn’t want that either, but it was inevitable. “Me neither. She loves you so much.” Tessa sobbed into his neck.

“Jonathon, you should come in. It’s not going to be too much longer,” their hospice nurse, Carin, said. She’d been a godsend to them, and had made Alex’s last few months comfortable for her and for Jonathon, Tessa, and Josie. They tried to send someone to help bathe her, but Tessa wouldn’t allow it and she would go in the bedroom by herself and not come out until Alex was washed up and in clean clothes. Words would never be enough to show his sister what her help meant to him. She wanted his wife to have the privacy and dignity she deserved.

When Jonathon entered the room, Carin stepped out to give them a minute. The smell of death was heavy in the air. When he reached the side of the bed, he looked down at the love of his life. She was skin and bones and didn’t resemble the girl he fell in love with at all. Her skin looked gray, her cheeks sunken in so much that it made her cheekbones look sharp.

Jonathon sat down next to her hip on the bed and picked up her hand. Her wedding ring was on a chain around Jonathon’s neck since it didn’t fit her anymore.

“Hi, honey,” she whispered. Her voice was rough and scratchy. She didn’t talk much anymore. Alex slept more than she was awake.

“Hey, angel. Can I get you anything? Do you need some more morphine?”

She shook her head slowly. “Promise me.” As soon as she spoke, the tears began to fall from Jonathon’s eyes. When they finally accepted the fact that she was terminal, she made him promise to find love again when she was gone and not to mourn her forever. “Promise me, Jonathon.”

“I can’t,” he croaked out. His heart shattered into a million pieces.

“You have so much love to give, baby. Josie needs siblings. Promise me you’ll be open to finding love again.” Her voice broke at the end. “I love you so much and you’ve made me so happy.”

Jonathon’s forehead met the mattress next to Alex’s chest. At first he didn’t know if he really felt it, but then the sensation of her fingers running through his hair caused sobs to wrack his body. She used to do that all of the time when they would watch a movie together or if they were just snuggling on the sofa.

Her hand stopped moving and then he heard a slight gasp. Alex’s eyes were closed, and when he checked her pulse with shaky fingers, there was nothing. “No, no, no, no! Please, baby, not yet. Don’t leave me.” Jonathon could hear Carin enter the room, but didn’t turn to look at her. Alex was gone, and as she spoke quietly on the phone he stared at the still body of his wife, his love.

On autopilot, he stood up to leave the room a short while later. He found his sister outside the door with his daughter in her arms. Tessa had tears running down her face and Josie had her face buried in her aunt’s neck. “Come here, baby.” His baby girl lunged for him and he hugged her tight to his chest. He had no clue if she truly knew what death meant, but Alex was gone and he felt numb.

***

Jonathon watched the casket lower into the ground. He’d never felt so hollow. The other half of his heart and soul was gone forever and it was a bitter pill to swallow. Tessa had been such a blessing the past few days. She helped with everything, but then he felt like an asshole that his twenty-one year old sister was taking care of a lot of the arrangements. She’d gotten Josie her dress, the outfit that Alex would be buried in, and had his suit taken to the cleaners.

Josie stood between Jonathon and Tessa, her little hand engulfed in his. When the service was over, he couldn’t move from where he stood. She was gone. He’d never hear her laugh again, hold her while she cried during some bullshit chick flick, hear her terrible singing when she sang their daughter to sleep. Alex wouldn’t be around to watch Josie turn into a young woman, learn to drive or go to the prom. She wouldn’t be there when their daughter got married someday.

“Jonathon, it’s time.” His sister pulled him out of his thoughts. They were heading to a luncheon put on by some of the wives of the police officers he worked with. It was nice, but he just wanted to go home and go to bed. He picked up his daughter, holding her close as they made their way toward their car.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. Jonathon was polite and thanked everyone who offered condolences, but he felt dead inside. Tessa walked around and thanked everyone for coming, which he knew was hard for his sister. She was and always had been shy. He looked to his left and saw Josie sitting with his best friend, Hunter, and his fiancée. He and Brooke had offered to take Josie for him that night. They were going to take her out for pizza and ice cream, anything to make his little girl smile and laugh.

He hated the pitying looks his friends and co-workers gave him. They all looked at him like they didn’t know what to say.

“Here. You need to eat.” Tessa held a plate in front of him.

Jonathon took it, but had no intention of eating. “Thanks,” he muttered before kissing her on the forehead. As soon as she walked away, he threw the plate in the garbage. Just the thought of food made him sick.

The pain, the grief—it would get better, wouldn’t it?

***

One Year Later

He was losing his mind and wondered if he’d die from sheer grief. Every day, he had to force himself out of bed. Tessa and Josie tiptoed around him as if expecting him to freak out.

Jonathon couldn’t believe that Alex had been gone a year already. It felt like it just happened. He’d watched his sister and daughter grieve, but instead of helping them deal, he hid in his room like a coward. The night before, Josie had started crying in her bed, shattering his heart when she cried out for her mommy. Instead of getting up and comforting her, Jonathon stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling. He heard Tessa shushing her gently. He knew she’d held his little girl in her arms and rocked her until she went back to sleep.

---