Page 15 of Finding Hope

She grabbed her things, kissed her brother goodbye, and headed out the front door. Not really hungry, but knowing she needed to eat, Shannon went to a drive-through and ordered a chicken sandwich and some fries.

***

She was on the verge of nodding off on the sofa when a knock at the door had her jumping up. She was so exhausted all the time. Her doctor assured her that it was totally normal in the first several months of pregnancy. Her pants were starting to get tighter as well. Shannon loved it, though, because her child was growing in there. She pushed off the sofa and went to the door.

Jonathon stood on the other side in his uniform. Why did he have to look so sexy? She took a deep breath and opened the door. “Hey, Jonathon,” Shannon said through the screen door.

“Can I come in?” She didn’t know what to do. A part of her wanted to let him in, but another part—the part that remembered what her dad said—didn’t. “Please. I just need a minute.” He looked sincere.

She pushed open the door and stepped back when he stepped inside. His woodsy scent wrapped around her and her nipples hardened, because that was another side effect of pregnancy. She was horny all of the time lately, and she’d even had an orgasm in her sleep the other night while dreaming of Jonathon.

He sat down on her sofa and rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. Shannon moved farther into the room and sat in the chair across from him. “What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to thank you again for picking Josie up from school and keeping her until Tessa could get her. I’ve asked to work eight-hour day shifts instead of the twelve-hour shifts. It’ll be easier for me to be with her more if I work during the day. I should’ve done it a while ago, but Tessa was always there to pick up the slack. It’s just not fair to ask her anymore when she’s already done so much.” He took a deep breath. “I know I’ve counted on you a lot lately and I’m sorry, but I’m not. You have been so great with Josie and I’m so grateful to you for that. Especially after the way I treated you.”

“She’s a sweet girl. I’ve enjoyed spending time with her.” Silence blanketed the room. They both just stared at each other. A weird energy filled the room, and it was heavy. Before she had time to react, Jonathon’s lips were on hers. Shannon’s body tingled all over at the feel of him. She missed him, his taste. This was a mistake, especially after what her dad had said to her earlier. Did it stop her from opening her mouth as his tongue entered her mouth? No, it sure didn’t.

“God, I’ve missed you,” he muttered against her mouth.

“I missed you too.” She didn’t want to admit it, especially after the way he hurt her, but there was no denying the feelings she still had for him even though she told herself over and over that she hated him. Shannon was just going to have to hide them from him. He was no longer going to have that kind of power over her.

Jonathon finally pulled away and rested his forehead against hers. The only sound that could be heard was their panting breaths. When she finally had her wits about her, she leaned away from him. Her lips still tingled, but the Jonathon induced fog was thankfully starting to fade. She cleared her throat. “I need you to leave.” Her heart ached as those words left her lips, but she couldn’t get sucked in again. Shannon’s heart wouldn’t be able to handle being broken again.

“W-What?” He looked at her with a face full of confusion.

She stood up and began to cry. “I need you to go. I need you to leave.” He stood up too until he was facing her.

“Why, Shannon? You love me, I love you, and we’re having a baby.” Shannon’s heart burst hearing that he loved her, but she couldn’t trust it.

“You said things, mean things.”

“Dammit, I said I was sorry. What more do you want from me?” The muscle in his jaw ticked, so she knew he was getting pissed.

“I want to know that I matter! I want a man who will put me first. I know Alex was your one and only, and I get that, but you have to understand that I need to be someone’s one and only too! I love you, Jonathon, but I can’t be with someone who could hurt me the way that you did. For a year, you felt it necessary to remind me that I was good enough to sleep with…” He opened his mouth to speak, but she held up her hand to stop him. “I know I agreed to it, but I hoped that you would see what we could have and that you would change your mind about us being serious. Instead, you reminded me. All. Of. The. Time. That Alex was your one shot at love. Your soul mate and your other half, and it broke my heart every time.

“I’ll never be enough and I’m not Alex, and I’m sorry you lost her, especially so young, but I can’t be with someone who wishes they were with someone else. So, I need you to leave.” Shannon was barely holding on by a thread to her emotions.

“What about the baby? J-Josie knows he or she is coming. Do you expect me to tell my daughter that she can’t see her brother or sister?” His voice was quiet and had an edge to it.

“If you want to be involved with the baby, we’ll work something out. I want you all to be around him or her. I would never keep you from your child if you choose to be involved.”

“Dammit, Shannon. What about us? I love you, isn’t that enough?”

Her breath left her in rapid pants.

The words sat on the tip of her tongue, and acid burned her throat as she stared up into his brown eyes. “No, it’s not. I love you, but I deserve to be loved like Alex was.” Her stomach rolled as she watched Jonathon flinch. “It’s not your fault. I guess I always thought that when I fell in love, we’d have that all-consuming love. That’s not us and that’s okay. We can still be friends and co-parent our child.”

Why couldn’t she tell him she was afraid—afraid that she wasn’t enough for him and for Josie. Why couldn’t she say that she was scared that Alex would always be on Jonathon’s mind when he was with Shannon?

She watched some sort of internal struggle move over his face, but then it vanished. Without a word, he walked right out of her house, slamming the door behind him. She was locked in place for about ten seconds before she became unstuck and ran out the front door, only to watch him race away. Had she just made the biggest mistake of her life?

She stepped back into the house in a haze, locking the door behind her. Shannon sat down on the sofa and began to sob. They were big, loud, and ugly sounding sobs, but she didn’t care. So what did she do? She took out her sound processor. That way, she wouldn’t have to hear herself.

***

Shannon stared at herself in the mirror and sighed. Her belly had popped out so much in the past month. She rubbed a hand over it as she felt the little flutters fill her belly. Tomorrow, she would have her ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby, and it had been two months since she laid it all out on the table with Jonathon.

The first month was bad. All she did was sleep and cry, sleep and cry. It took her parents coming over and her dad threatening to go murder Jonathon to pull her from her depressive state. That night, she had a dream that she lost the baby and when she woke up she knew she needed to start taking better care of herself. She began taking prenatal yoga to help ease her mind and relax her.

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