Page 18 of The Next Chapters

She couldn’t help the incredulous laugh that slipped out because Riley had her on that one. Honest-to-a-fault Riley had never placated Gianna in their entire lives. “No,” she allowed before sobering and falling into Riley’s wide-eyed expression. “But… I believe that you love me enough to try to explore every avenue if it would make me happy.”

Riley’s eyes went so soft as she stroked her thumbs over Gianna’s hands. “I would,” she admitted. “Because I do love you so much.”

She took a deep breath, tremulously blowing it out as she dropped her gaze and took a moment.

And Gianna waited, subconsciously holding her breath because she had no idea what Riley was thinking. “But?” She gently prompted, her heart starting to race.

Riley looked back up at her, eyes searching Gianna’s. “It’s not a but. Not really. It doesn’t negate wanting to have a baby with you, I swear. But I’d be lying if I said that talking about this doesn’t make me think about my dad.”

Gianna nearly reeled back from the surprise that trampled through her. She certainly blinked at it, trying to wrap her mind around Riley’s statement.

Maybe that was foolish of her, but…

Riley mentioned her dad so rarely. Gianna was sure Riley thought about him more frequently than she verbalized, and she knew that Riley had loved her father deeply. Every year on the anniversary of his death, Riley was more withdrawn and hovered over Ellie incessantly. At this point, Gianna even believed Riley’s hovering on that date was more for Riley’s comfort than Ellie’s.

But other than that, and the errant comments about “Oh, my dad loved this song,” or “Yeah, this was my dad’s recipe,” Riley didn’t bring him up.

Gianna never pushed for more. Especially because it seemed that Riley – while clearly affected by losing her father in more ways than one – seemed to know how to cope without Gianna’s help. She’d been doing it since she’d ever met Gianna, after all.

When Riley didn’t explain further in the minute that followed, Gianna gently spoke, “Carina, I’m so sorry, but… I don’t understand?”

She hated that she couldn’t connect these dots alone, but she was at a loss.

Riley swallowed hard, her eyebrows furrowing tightly together as she started, “I just – you know my mom.”

… unfortunately, that didn’t shed the light Gianna was desperately needing.

Still, she slowly nodded. Yes, she knew Eliza Beckett, though she wouldn’t say she knew her incredibly well. While she was certainly more of a presence in Riley and Ellie’s lives, far more than Gianna’s parents were active in her life, Gianna wouldn’t necessarily classify her as an active parent. “As well as I can know her, I guess.”

Riley looked sharply up at her words, posture snapping straight as if Gianna had just unlocked something. “Exactly! After nearly fifteen years of being the most important person in my life, over a year of being my wife, you know my mom as well as you can possibly know her. Because who she is after my dad died is not the person she was when I was growing up.”

My dad’s dead, and he took the soft part of my mom with him. Gianna acutely remembered when Riley had emotionally spoken those worse to her, even though it had been over a decade ago. Because seeing Riley so upset and raw was such an anomalous moment for her. The majority of their emotional ups and downs were all caused by Gianna – a fact that held true for most of their relationship, even now.

Riley was the epitome of stability. She was steadfast and durable; she weathered every storm without blinking an eye. Not just for Gianna, either. But for Ellie. For Joel. For everyone in their lives – Riley was the one who would show up and hold you up when the world seemed too difficult a place.

In this moment, as Riley had an undeniable anxiety etched into her expression, Gianna had a moment of panic. Had she missed this part of Riley all along? This part of her, that seemed like such a raw nerve?

She raised one of her hands, smoothing Riley’s hair back, then sliding down to cup her jaw. “Riley, love, I didn’t know this was something on your mind so often. Something that bothered you.”

Riley shook her head but lifted her hand up to press against the back of Gianna’s – effectively making sure Gianna didn’t lose contact with her even with her movement. “That’s the thing – it’s not. My relationship with my mom is… it’s not something I agonize over. I used to.” She admitted, with a small, sad smile. “The year after my dad died and Ellie went to college, it was just my mom and I living in our house. And our house went from a four-person home, filled with conversation and pancake Sundays, to a two-person house, where we co-existed. And it was awful.”

Those tears that glossed over her eyes started to fall, and Gianna felt her heart crack open with them.

God, she had no idea how Riley managed to comfort her about her own parental situation. Because this moment made Gianna feel like she, herself, was dying inside. She hastily disengaged the hand she’d still had holding onto Riley’s and pulled down the sleeve of her sweater so she could carefully wipe Riley’s cheeks.

“Honestly, Gianna, moving to college and meeting you was the best thing that ever could have happened to me.” Riley nuzzled her face closer into Gianna’s hand, still cupping her jaw, a tremulous smile sliding over her lips. “I’ve known that for a very long time, given that you’re my favorite person and the love of my life.”

Her words made Gianna smile, although she was still confused and aching for her wife.

“Even more than that, though…” Riley rolled her lips as she clearly thought over her words. “I never really thought about it until we started this conversation. But I’ve done a lot of thinking in the last week, and I’ve realized that you brought color back into my life. Living with you made me feel like life became normal again.”

“Even when I was a bitch?” Gianna took the chance to joke, tentatively smiling. Desperate, really, to do anything to get Riley to smile.

Which, thankfully, she did. A tearful smile spread over her lips as she nodded. “I’ve never called you that and won’t stand for you to call yourself that, either. But. Yes. Even from the very beginning.”

Gianna felt very accomplished as she did another careful swipe under Riley’s eyes, making sure to leave no fallen tears behind.

She also felt a surge of honor at having been that person for Riley. Riley had been – always would be – the person who changed Gianna’s life trajectory. And while she firmly believed that Riley would have always found her way in life, Gianna – even back before she’d grown – having helped Riley find her footing in life… it meant the world to her.

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