Page 44 of Guarded from Corruption

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

JADE

Am I making an enormous mistake?

I’m safe here at Blade and Arrow. No one is going to push me to leave.

Most of the time, I’m actually happy.

Living with Niall is beyond anything I imagined in my wistful fantasies. He’s kind and patient and unexpectedly sweet, like when he tried to make those crepes or when he brought me a bouquet of flowers he’d gathered from around the B and A property. Just the thought of Niall collecting flowers for me is enough to make me feel all gooey inside.

And then there are the times when we kiss. When he embraces me. When I think about all the other things I’d like to do with Niall, but haven’t yet initiated. I know I’ll need to be the one who makes the first move, because he’s too worried about doing the wrong thing and triggering me. But he couldn’t.

The trust I have in Niall surpasses any bad memories. When he touches me, there are sizzles of heat and electricity, not chills of fear. When he looks at me with that intense gaze, the one that silently says how much he wants me, my heart races in anticipation, not from anxiety.

But it’s still early days in our relationship and I want both of us to be sure. Because once I give myself over to him, there’s no going back. My heart is already most of the way there, and once we take that final step…

I’m sure about Niall. But I’m not sure if he feels the same way about me.

Given everything that’s been going on the last few days, it hasn’t exactly felt like the right time to ask. Not with Niall so worried. Not when fear sneaks up on me at unexpected moments, stealing my breath and leaving me on the verge of a panic attack.

After. Once our plan succeeds, then Niall and I can do normal relationship things like talk about feelings and commitment and sex.

Our plan has to succeed. The alternative is unthinkable.

If something goes wrong, and I end up back in that awful facility, I’m not sure I can take it again. The bamboo reed of strength I rely on—so flexible but sturdy—might finally snap.

Thinking about being back there…

No. I can’t. I have to focus on the purpose of this instead. Finding the facility. Freeing the women. Putting the terrible people behind it in jail.

If I let the fear and memories overwhelm me, I’ll jeopardize the entire plan.

Easier said than done. No matter how sternly I tell myself that it’s all going to be okay, my body doesn’t want to believe me. My hands still shake and my chest feels too tight. The stupid throw pillows never look quite right.

The only time I’m fully calm is when Niall’s arms are around me.

“Sweetheart.” As if I summoned him, Niall joins me by the window and gently turns me to face him. His hands on my shoulders, his brows pulled into a worried V, he gives me an assessing look. “Are you okay?”

I give him a jerky nod and force my lips to curve up. “Yes. Just… looking at the trees and the…” Trailing off, I sigh and admit, “I’m scared. I’m trying not to be, but?—”

“Ah, Jade.” He gathers me into his arms, one hand cupping my nape, the other at the middle of my back. Rubbing my back in slow circles, he says, “It’s normal to be scared. But—” His gaze searches mine. “You don’t have to do this. It’s not too late to change your mind.”

There’s a hopeful note to his tone. Even though Niall grudgingly agreed to go forward with my idea, he’d be much happier if I just stayed here and waited for the team to solve this on their own.

He brought it up again last night, as we lay in bed—we’re sharing the bed now, which is infinitely better than sleeping alone—saying, “You don’t need to do this, Jade. We will find out who’s behind this. And we’ll find all the women. I promise we will.”

I don’t doubt it. As I’ve gotten to know Niall’s team, I’ve learned how smart and protective and determined they are. And because of Niall, because I’m involved, they’re personally invested. There’s no way they’ll give up on this.

But.

The women. The ones I left behind, and the ones taken after. Olivia.

I remember vividly how it felt in there. Each terrifying hour felt like an eternity. And I was there for less than a week. What about the women who’ve been there longer? What about the ones who’ve already been sold?

That’s why, once I had the idea of using myself as bait, I couldn’t go back on it. It would be too much like turning my back on them again.

“I know I can.” Meeting his solemn gaze, I continue, “And I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered it. But this is something I need to do. Not only that, if this works, it’ll be over. Tonight.”

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