Page 25 of Guarded from Corruption

I’m reminded of my guilt.

Of the aching emptiness when Niall stopped being a part of my life.

Of the loss of my silly dreams, wishing one day he’d see me as something other than his sister’s best friend.

“Jade. Hun.” Niall sets his laptop on the coffee table and moves closer to me. Worry darkens his gaze. “What’s wrong?” His hand twitches toward my cheek before falling away.

“What?” My brain is stuck in the past, and it takes me a second to bring it back to the present. “Nothing’s?—”

“You’re crying.” This time, he brushes a finger across my face, and it comes away wet. “Talk to me. What can I do? Do you want to talk to Rhiannon? Or the counselor I mentioned? I could call her now.”

His expression is so earnest, so concerned, his voice so kind; it makes the tears I didn’t realize I was crying flow faster. “I’m okay.” A sniffle. “I’m just?—”

“Honey, please.” Now he’s looking at me desperately, and if I wasn’t so emotionally shaken, I’d laugh at his obvious panic over my tears. “I’ll do anything to help. Just tell me what I can do.”

But what can he do?

Without thinking, I blurt out the unvarnished truth. “Forgive me.”

“What?” Niall jerks back, his eyebrows jumping up. “Forgive you for what, Jade? There’s nothing?—”

Voice quivering, I say, “For screwing up. For failing Shea. For making you leave the job you loved. For being so cruel to you.” Full-on crying now, I duck my face away. “I’m so sorry, Niall. I feel so guilty. I know I don’t deserve to be forgiven, but?—”

Niall touches my chin, tilting my head up to look at him. His face is a mask of shock and horror. “Oh, Jade. No.”

No. Of course he can’t forgive me. I can’t forgive myself.

I try to turn away, but he gently holds my chin still. His voice is pained but tender. “Jade, honey. Why would you say that? I don’t blame you. Not even a little bit. I thought… I told you. We talked. I told you I was wrong.”

He did apologize; two years ago while I was visiting Shea. She had just moved into her own apartment and I thought it would be safe, but he stopped by with some boxes she’d left at his place. When Shea went into the other room, he told me he was sorry about what he said at the hospital, but it was quick and stilted and I barely had my own apology out before he raced away.

“I thought you were just trying to smooth things over. So it wouldn’t be weird for Shea.”

“No. I wasn’t...” He frowns, his face pinching as he goes silent for a second. “Ah, shit. I did a crap job apologizing, didn’t I? Just rushing off. I was… it doesn't matter. I should have made more of an effort. Fuck, Jade?—”

“It’s not your fault. I’m the one who screwed up. I should have figured it out. You were right.” Dashing away tears, my breath shudders before I ask, “How could you not blame me?”

Niall stares at me, his eyes dark with emotion, his jaw tight and working. “Ah. Shit. I’m so… I’m so sorry. I should never have said those things to you.” He cups my cheek, his thumb brushing at my tears. “I was feeling guilty. And worried. And I lashed out at you. But I should never… You saved Shea’s life, Jade.”

“But if I’d noticed sooner.”

“Shea was sick. And she was hiding it from everyone. That’s not your fault. Shea told me. You kept reaching out to her. You called. Texted. And when she didn’t return your calls, you went over there. You made that landlord let you in, you got Shea to the hospital, and you were there for her.”

I want to believe him. But it’s so hard.

Niall takes my hands in his, engulfing my chilled fingers in his warmth. “I’ve felt terrible about that day, Jade. I know I hurt you. And I am so damn sorry. But it was not your fault. I don’t blame you. For any of it. Not for a second.”

Hope kindles, stutters, fights to stay aflame. “Do you mean it?”

“Yes.” He stares at me with an intensity that makes my chest squeeze. “I absolutely mean it. And I will always regret hurting you. But I won’t hurt you again. I promise. And you have nothing to feel guilty about.”

My hands tighten around his. “It wasn't your fault, either. I’m sorry I said that. I never meant it.”

“Ah, hun.” He swallows hard. “I know you didn’t.”

We stare at each other for a frozen moment as some of the pain slips away. Then Niall looks at me very solemnly, and says, “Can I hug you? Would that be okay?”

It would be more than okay. It’s all I want.

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