Page 40 of Freedom to Love

Kat met Brynn’s gaze. She could feel her heartbeat in her ears. It had been almost two weeks since she’d seen her, and she looked as beautiful as ever, in loose jeans and a white polo style shirt. Her thick hair hung below her shoulders and reflected waves of auburn in the sunlight coming in through the blinds. She offered a smile, but it fell quickly. She gently released Damien’s hand and stood.

“I should go.”

Genie glanced at Kat in surprise. “You don’t have to you know. You’re welcome here.”

“I know, I just have errands, and my brother…”

“No, don’t go,” Kat said softly. But Brynn wouldn’t look at her and she was smiling, but Kat could tell it was for Genie only.

“I’m afraid I have to go.” She and Genie squeezed hands. “Thanks for letting me visit and for…accepting me, you know, with my history, and—”

“What you did shows who you are,” Genie said. “That’s all that matters to me.”

Brynn nodded and gave a half smile. “I wish it were that way with most.” There was a pause, a heavy silence. “I’ll keep praying for you all,” Brynn said. She left Genie and glanced up at Kat as she walked by. “Shoulder feeling better?”

Kat watched her and she wanted to speak, but she wasn’t going to stop to listen. “Yes,” Kat said as Brynn walked out the door. Without a second’s hesitation, Kat went after her. This was the second time she’d seen her leave, and it tore at her just as it had the first time. And for the second time, she felt powerless in stopping her.

“Brynn, wait.” Kat jogged to her, catching her before she reached the elevator. The movement hurt her injury, but she winced it away.

Brynn stopped and turned. She looked shell-shocked and anxious. Like a rabbit frozen in the gaze of an approaching predator. She didn’t speak, just glanced at her a few times but ended up averting her gaze.

“Thanks,” Kat said, standing next to her. “For stopping.”

“How can I help you, Sergeant?” She crossed her arms over her chest, and Kat knew she was protecting herself. She was obviously still hurt about their last encounter when she’d decided they shouldn’t see each other. It had hurt Kat, but she’d respected her wishes, not wanting to cause her any pain or do anything she didn’t want.

“Why won’t you look at me?”

Brynn did and the gaze nearly floored her it was so cold.

“Are you upset with me? Have I done something, said something?”

Brynn bit on her lower lip. “No.”

“Okay…then please tell me what it is.”

Brynn shook her head. “It’s nothing. I just shouldn’t be here. This is your family, friends. Not mine. I just feel responsible and I feel so bad about him, and—” She started to cry. She turned and covered her mouth. Her shoulders shook. But just as quickly, she straightened and took a deep breath. Kat touched her shoulder which made her jerk with surprise.

“You are not responsible,” Kat said. She lifted her hand. “I am.”

Brynn turned and faced her with watery eyes. “You?”

Kat felt her own tears come. She had to clear her throat to talk. “I, uh, I have these dreams about it, you know? And I see him there and he can’t take cover because of his seat belt. He tried to get it off, but they fired at him first, then me. I tried, I tried so hard to get him down. But I didn’t. I failed him. I failed his family and friends.” Kat turned, not wanting to cry in front of her. She rarely cried, rarely caved, and she was upset at herself for doing so in public. She had to be strong, for Genie, for Damien, for everyone. If she lost it she feared they’d all lose hope, or worse, baby her more and keep things from her. As if she were too weak to handle things because she was female. She’d always resented it and so she’d steeled herself to face anything without emotion. It was one of the reasons why she was so good at her job. Now here she was losing it in the hospital in front of the first woman she’d been drawn to in a long while.

“Are you okay?” Brynn asked.

Kat wiped her cheeks and turned to put on a smile. “Yes, I’m fine.”

“It’s not your fault either,” Brynn said softly. She was looking at her with such concern, almost as if she wanted to touch her. She even lifted her hand, but then dropped it along with her gaze. “You shouldn’t blame yourself.” The soft look was gone, vanished just as quickly as it had come.

“Yeah, well, easier said than done.” They stood in silence for a moment. Kat wanted to ask her to go for coffee after her visit with Damien to get both their minds on happier things, or to dinner later that evening where they could have a beer and relax. But it was obvious Brynn wanted nothing to do with her. And as emotional as Kat was already feeling, she didn’t want to risk being rejected on top of it.

“I need to get going,” Brynn said. She walked to the elevators with Kat right on her heels.

“Damn it, will you just wait?” Kat felt lost, helpless. “Why are you being so cold with me?”

Brynn laughed. “As if you don’t know.”

Kat blinked. “Know what?”

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