Page 83 of Lucy Undying

[screaming]

[long gap]

Vanessa: Well, that was—that was—I don’t know. I really don’t know how to describe what just happened, Lucy.

Lucy: I do! That was surprisingly tidy. No blood on the carpet or chairs. Great teamwork!

Vanessa: Teamwork, huh. All I did was bleed.

Lucy: But you did it so well! I never could have lured them to the bathroom on my own.

So, we did it. We killed those poor stupid baby vampires. I gave up my ticket out of existence because you made me curious. Curiosity saved the cat, in this case.

A deal’s a deal. What have I been looking for all this time? What did you hear in my stories that I didn’t?

Vanessa: All these memories you’ve shared, all your adventures and detours. You aren’t looking for Dracula. You never were. You’re looking for yourself. You fixated on him as an answer, when really, you need to find someone else from your past.

And before you say it, no, not Mina. Aside from the fact that she’s dead, Mina doesn’t matter. I know she meant a lot to you, but she isn’t the most important person in your past.

The person you need to find, the only person that matters, the only one who can answer your questions? It’s you, Lucy.

You hate mirrors, but you need to find one. Not a warped one. A true one. A mirror that will help you reconnect with the girl you were. The girl who was murdered as a teenager and never able to properly mourn the loss of the life she should have had. The girl you’ve mocked and belittled and dismissed, because that’s how you were taught to see her by everyone in your life, and everyone after your death.

I want you to notice how you’ve talked about yourself. The way you ignore how clever and capable you’ve been. You’ve survived, despite everything. You were turned into a monster, but you still showed mercy and tried to save other innocents from terrible fates.

You mattered to more than just the humans you helped, too. Think of the vampires you made part of your life. They were all trapped in their patterns before you. But after? The Queen released her prisoners, because of your compassion. The Lover stopped being an eternal victim and started hunting killers, because of your anger. And the Doctor gave up her obsessive individual study to work with human researchers and help them, because of your criticism.

And you— Sorry, let me get that box of tissues. You looked at me and saw me as a woman, treated me as a woman, acknowledged my existence when so many people in the real world refuse to.

Lucy, you’re not a monster. I can say that with certainty. Even after what I just saw you do in the bathroom—and I will never, ever be able to forget that. Oh god, I can never forget that.

You were a nineteen-year-old girl who was stalked, manipulated, and murdered. You’ve told me almost nothing about your life before that, but I can connect the dots that you were never truly, selflessly loved. You’ve been looking outward for that love ever since, treasuring your idea of this Mina, desperate for validation from the monster who changed you, trying to find communion with other lost, desperate souls.

So. My official recommendation as your therapist is to stop looking outward. Reconnect with the girl you were. Grieve her death, and forgive her.

Lucy: But how do I do that? How do I find that Lucy again? I left her behind so long ago.

Vanessa: Go to the beginning. Try your best to remember. Give that history back to yourself.

Lucy: I don’t know where to— Oh! I kept journals. I know exactly where my history has been hiding, safe and sound in the dark, all this time. I protected that Lucy, even before I knew what I was doing. I saved her for myself.

Vanessa: That’s perfect. I’m so happy for you.

Lucy: Thank you. You’re a good therapist. And I’m sorry about what I said before. If you really want me to change you, I can try.

Vanessa: No, thank you. As a very special girl once said: You deserved better. I love you. That’s the reason why I listened to you. Because you do deserve better, and I do love you, simply for existing.

I’m going to hug you, if that’s okay. There we go. You shared a lot with me here, and even though some of it will haunt me until I die, I’ll genuinely treasure your trust and your stories. Your story matters because you matter.

And I’m not afraid of death. Or at least, natural death; I was definitely afraid of vampire attack death. As for my own story, I know what the ending will be. You’re right about one thing: Endings aren’t scary, they’re beautiful. They have power and meaning.

Besides, I worked hard to be at peace with my body, to be exactly who I know I am. I have no desire to live as a vampire; I’m perfectly content to die as a woman.

No, don’t cry. I’m so happy we had this time together. Oh, but one favor!

Lucy: Anything.

Vanessa: Can we stop by my transphobic brother’s apartment and scare the shit out of him?

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