Page 133 of Lucy Undying

I shake my head rapidly.

“So, you aren’t, either. And you’re not mine because I changed you. You belong to yourself, complete and whole and beloved. But for the record, I think you smell delicious.”

I laugh and pull her close. “Likewise. So. What now?”

“Well, first I’m going to teach you how to be a vampire so you don’t go out of your mind and do things you might regret. Though no judgment here if you do.”

“Right, yes, good. I’d like to stay in my mind. And then?”

“And then, if you want, I thought we could go kill Dracula.” Lucy is both hopeful and tentative as she searches my face for my reaction. “I promised my friends I would, and I’d like to keep that promise. That would mean an ending for us, too. But you should know, I spent decades searching for him, and that was before I ripped his jaw off—”

“You what?” I’m delighted. “Is that what you were holding when you came in here? I couldn’t see it!”

She beams proudly. “He was so pathetic, drooling impotently, tongue lolling. You would have laughed.”

“I definitely would have. I also might have vomited, but that’s neither here nor there.”

“Anyhow, he was hard to find before I nearly killed him. I suspect he’ll be even harder to find now. It could take ages. A lifetime. Two or three lifetimes, even.” She’s soft and hesitant again, like she’s reaching out to take my hand for the first time. Unsure if I’ll accept the offering of her fingers in mine.

I don’t know what my core is yet, what defining thing I brought back over that line between life and death. I don’t know what will give me strength and purpose and also weakness in equal measure.

I suspect I’m looking at her, though. Loving someone is always giving them the power to destroy you. But I trust both of us enough to know it’s worth it.

“Well,” I say, “if it’s going to take awhile, good thing I’m immortal and rich now.” Even with the family pyramid-scheme cult destroyed. The obscenely rich never actually lose their money, and I’m the only Goldaming left. No one needs to know that I’m also technically dead until I’ve cashed out.

Lucy isn’t working alone now. I have resources she never could have. All the access and connections money can buy. This time used not to hide Dracula, but to hunt him. We’ll find him together, sooner or later.

I might prefer later, though. I lean my forehead against Lucy’s and close my eyes, letting all my miraculous senses explore her in new ways. “Ask me to spend my afterlife with you,” I whisper.

She kisses me, and I’m free. We both are.

112

The President Is Dead, Long Live the President!

Subject: Goldaming Death

Hey, fuckos!

I’m sure you noticed a big change when all your vampire lackeys and hapless cult members dropped dead. Actually dead this time. Bad news, good news? Bad news is we killed Mina Goldaming and everyone she turned into a vampire. Good news is we killed Mina Goldaming and everyone she turned into a vampire.

I’m in charge now. And thanks to Dickie (Hi, Dick!), I’ve learned how to be ruthlessly meticulous when it comes to paperwork and legalities. My grasp on the company and the funds thereof is ironclad and unassailable. (And before you get cute, I moved my dad to another location. You’ll never find him. Don’t try.)

Here’s the fun part: Turns out my mother kept detailed tabs on each one of you. I know all your bank account information, I know your investments, I know where your properties and offshore accounts are, I know about your affairs, I know about your bribes, I know about the not insignificant amount of straight-up murder you’ve all committed, and I have a paper trail for everything. Neat, right?

Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to figure out a way to explain why so many members of Goldaming Life are no longer life-ing. You’ve all got experience with creative ways of reframing suspicious deaths. Put that practice to good use. Once you’ve done that, you’re going to give insurance payouts to the families of the poor dupes you conned into becoming vampire servants. Not from Goldaming funds, but from your own personal savings. I think a million bucks per vampire is fair. If you run out of money, no, you didn’t. I know exactly how much you’re all worth.

Whatever remains of the fortunes you built by draining innocent people in so many ways? I’m attaching a list of charities I’ve personally vetted. You’re not going to make donations in the name of Goldaming Life, or in your own names. Anonymous, every single one of them.

And then, finally, I give Dickie the honor of liquidating Goldaming Life on my behalf. Shut it all down without explanation or warning. Donate the properties to the charities I’ve listed, under the condition that the Goldaming name is utterly erased and never credited.

Once you’ve done all that, you’re free to slink into the pathetic remains of your penniless lives. And know that I’m watching. If any of you so much as sniff in the direction of vampirism or multilevel marketing pyramid schemes again, I’ll be on your doorstep. And I won’t need an invitation inside, because as far as I’m concerned, everything you are and have and own already belongs to me. You bought it with my blood, after all.

I think that’s it! Hope you do exactly as instructed. Then again, I’ve found a brand-new thirst for life, and I won’t hesitate to show you exactly what that means if you try to cross me.

Kisses!

Iris

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