Page 129 of Here One Moment

Jonny met her parents on the same day she made it clear she didn’t want to meet his. He was warm and friendly with them and she heard him describe himself as “Allegra’s friend.” And then he left. He has checked in twice to see how she is doing. His messages are not cold, but they are not warm either. They are neutral. Neutral is awful.

Fool, fool, fool, she taunts herself, in rhythm with the MRI noises.

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“I’m sorry you’ve had to take time off work again for me,” says Allegra to her mother as she drives her home from the MRI.

“It is fine,” says her mother with a shrug. “I am indispensable. They know it. And my family comes first.”

Her mother has worked at the same insurance company for many years.

“How is the pain right now?” she asks.

“Seven out of ten.” Allegra shifts in her seat. “It’s bearable.”

“We will get it sorted out. Put your seat back farther. Are you having suicidal thoughts?”

Her mother has been doing research and she has learned that you should not be afraid to ask someone if they are having suicidal thoughts. Allegra is sure the research is correct, but she’s not sure you’re meant to ask the question quite as often as her mother does. It’s a little jarring.

“I’m fine,” says Allegra. She reclines her seat back. “I’m not bursting with joy, obviously.”

“Because of that boy?”

“No, because of my back,” says Allegra. She sighs. “Also because of the boy. I mucked it up.”

“Well, then you fix it,” says her mother as she weaves in and out of traffic.

Allegra says, “It might not be that easy.”

Her phone buzzes. It’s Jonny. Her heart automatically lifts at thesight of his name, but then she remembers to steel herself for another neutral, we-are-friendly-work-colleagues-who-hooked-up-for-a-while-but-that’s-all-over-now message.

It’s a link, along with a text that reads: At least try it in this life too.

“Try it in this life?” She clicks on the link and laughs a little. It’s a flight school offering trial introductory flights. He’s talking about her being a bird in a past life.

“What is it?”

“Jonny sent me a link,” explains Allegra. “He got the impression I want to train to be a pilot.”

“How did he get that impression?”

Allegra tells her the story of her conversation with Jonny on their walk. “I’m not interested in training to be a pilot,” says Allegra comfortingly.

“And why is that?” asks her mother. They stop at a light and her mother looks at her, her hands on the wheel. “Do you think because you’re a woman you can’t be a pilot?”

“Of course I don’t think that,” says Allegra. “Absolutely not.” If it was any other woman than herself she would be encouraging them. The industry needs more female pilots.

She says to her mother, “You don’t want me to be a pilot! You still go on about dentistry!”

“I haven’t mentioned that in years,” says her mother. “I’d be proud if you became a pilot! If that’s what you want, of course.”

“It’s not what I want,” says Allegra. “I’ve honestly never thought about it. Not consciously, anyway.”

“But then why did you say that to Jonny?”

Allegra says the same thing she said to him. “It’s just the first crazy thing that came into my head. It’s like saying, if I could be anything, I’d be a rock star!”

“You could not be a rock star,” says her mother. “Your singing is terrible.”

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