Page 108 of Here One Moment

“Al-leg-ra!”

In an instant she understands. He’s seen her post. A horizon without a caption. The location: Australia’s most popular suicide location. So stupid of her. He thinks it’s a goodbye post. He’s probably been trying to call, but her phone has been on silent at the bottom of her bag because of trying to be present in the moment so as not to get depression, so as not to self-harm. He lives in the Eastern Suburbs so was able to get here fast.

A woman walking a giant dog is coming up the path behind Jonny in the opposite direction from Anders. The dog zigzags back and forth, frenziedly sniffing the ground: this way, now that way. The woman wears AirPods and is in the middle of a phone call.

“Is everything all right?” cries Anders as he gets closer.

He is about to clock the presence of First Officer Jonny Summers.

The woman with the dog decides to go to their left on the path they are blocking. Her dog decides to go right. Allegra tries to get out of the way of both of them while looking back and forth between Anders and Jonny. Her legs get tangled. Not with any object or person. Just her own indecision. She trips. Time goes into slow motion and there is long enough to think: Why are you falling? There is no need to fall. Stop this. Choose not to do this.

But it’s impossible. Her arms windmill madly, her feet do a foolish, slapstick pitter-patter, and the next thing, she is on the grass next to the side of the path. She can feel the outline of her squashed backpack and all the items it contains digging into her flesh.

“You okay?” Jonny leans over her, blocking the sun.

She senses it, like the shadow of a shark beneath the water. Oh, please, no. No, no, no.

“Allegra!” Anders is there now, breathing fast, bent over, hands on his knees. “I was so worried! I thought—”

“I’m fine.” She moves the tiniest fraction and there it is: huge, terrifying pain. “But I think I’ve done my back again.”

“Oh, no,” say Anders and Jonny at the same time.

She sees the next two weeks of her life unrolling and unraveling like a ball of her grandmother’s knitting wool bumping down a flight of stairs. There is nothing she can do to stop it and this time she knows what’s coming. The pain, the lack of sleep, the “pain management,” the constipation from the pain relief, the ice packs, the heat packs, the laxatives, the long dull days, the slow incremental improvements, the physical therapy appointments. No more running with Jay on the treadmill. She will miss Jay so much.

When she hurt her back the first time there was novelty in the process. She’d never experienced any kind of significant health issue before. It was interesting! But the thought of going through it all again is not interesting, it’s devastating.

Just like that, her beautiful day has flipped.

Anders is saying, “Fancy meeting you here, Jonny Summers!” in a suggestive, wink, wink, nudge, nudge way, but Jonny doesn’t smile. His shoulders are stiff. Jaw set. Anders will only see the arrogant First Officer Jonathan Summers he thinks he knows. She’s lost Jonny. It’s too late to salvage things now. There are pivotal moments in life where you don’t get a second chance if you mess up.

She closes her eyes and sees mustard-colored walls closing in onher.

Chapter 91

I told my mother I knew I would be unhappy in Perth.

She said, “Cherry! If you tell yourself you’re going to be unhappy, you will be! You can choose how to see your future!”

She sounded like a self-help guru rather than a fortune teller.

“It’s not like you’re moving to Antarctica,” said Auntie Pat.

“It’s certainly not,” said my mother. “It will be unbearably hot this time of year.”

“That’s helpful Mae,” sighed Auntie Pat. “I thought you wanted her to think positively.”

Her tone was mild, but my mother acted as if it was a terrible insult.

“Mind your own business!” This was a hurtful thing to say because I was just as much Auntie Pat’s business as I was hers.

Auntie Pat didn’t react. She lit a cigarette, exhaled smoke. We were at the kitchen table and Mum suddenly stood, walked to the refrigerator, opened the freezer, removed a bag of frozen peas, and squashed it over her face like she was suffocating herself with a pillow. She held it for longer than I would have thought possible, then threw the peas back in the freezer and left the room. We heard the slam of her bedroom door.

I thought I’d just witnessed an actual nervous breakdown, but Auntie Pat explained it was the Change of Life. She didn’t lower her voice when she said “Change of Life,” because she was Auntie Pat, but most people did at the time.

Mum was probably hungry the day of the frozen peas. She was still constantly on diets at this time. The Sexy Pineapple Diet I’ve already mentioned. The Grapefruit Diet. The Lemon Juice Diet. The Cottage Cheese Diet. The Cabbage Soup Diet.

She began to suffer terrible digestive issues.

---