Page 52 of All My Heart

I wasn't exactly sure what he meant. “I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you feel. You shouldn't have to think a certain way because someone else does.” I was a bit worried he'd feel this way about me. That he'd sense how strong my feelings for him were, and he'd be pressured to reciprocate. I didn't want that to be the case.

Maybe he was incapable of feeling things for others. Or it was all in his head, and he just didn't feel things as intensely as his family.

How would I feel if he hadn't used his leave to see me and the rest of the family? That would hurt.

He nodded, then shifted so that he wasn't bracing his hands on the counter anymore. “I'm not sure they feel the same.”

“They're going to be hurt if they find out you've been home all this time but didn't tell them. But I think they'll understand if you said you needed time to decompress.”

“I hope so.” He took a large bite of his sandwich.

Was he someone who didn't feel things, or was he keeping them buried so deep he didn't even realize they were there? Either way, it didn't bode well for a relationship. It was probably a good thing that this was temporary.

Axel might not be capable of giving me what I needed. The entire time he'd kind of said that. We were just having fun. This was a fling. Neither one of us expressed desire for more, and if we did, it wouldn't be possible with his family here and mine in Florida.

I moved behind him and wrapped my arms around his body. He was tense at first, but then he softened, covering one of my hands with his. Then he turned so that he was facing me, cupping my cheek. “How are you so understanding?”

I shrugged. “I think anyone would be. You're going through a big thing. You identified as someone for the past ten years, and now you have to find out who you are now. Who you want to be. It's a tall order.”

Axel sighed, his fingers along my jaw. “Maybe you're right. But I can't avoid them forever.”

I had this sense that when he went to see his parents, that would be the end of us. He kept me separate from them, so it stood to reason that he'd drop me when he told his family he was home. He felt like he couldn't have both.

But that was just an assumption. I was probably worried about nothing. Not that it mattered, when I was leaving for the holidays too. I had to remember this thing had an end date, and no matter how good the sex was, or how much I felt for him, that didn't mean we had a future beyond December.

Axel dropped his hand to finish his sandwich. Then he cleaned up his plate and washed his hands. “Come on. Let's take a shower together,”

I took his offered hand, promising myself not to worry about the future. There was only the here and now.

CHAPTER 14

AXEL

When my dad called the other night, I almost caved and told him the truth. My heart was pounding in my ears, and there was roaring in my head. I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep up the ruse. What would his reaction be when he found out I was here the entire time?

He'd be hurt, and the rest of my siblings crushed. It was a selfish move to come home and choose to be by myself.

My family wanted nothing more than to spend the holidays with me, and I'd give them that. I just wasn't sure how much else I had to offer. I didn't want to work on the farm. I didn't want to interact with the customers. It was too much too soon.

But I wasn't sure I'd ever be ready. And at some point, I had to get a job to pay the bills. I had some money saved, but it wouldn't last forever.

This was a nice respite, but it would come to an end. Either when Luna went home for the holidays, or my family found out I was here.

I'd have to give them answers, and I wasn't sure if the ones I had would be satisfactory. Luna understood, but she was new to my life. She hadn't known me that long.

I'd been studying the newly stained floor, a little in awe that I'd done it. Seeing the cabin transform and knowing I was the one who'd done the work had given me the impetus to ask Luna if she wanted to continue doing renovations, maybe even flipping the houses we'd live in together. It was impulsive, but I'd been excited when I got the idea.

But she'd shut me down. She'd physically moved away from me, severing that connection. It was clear she didn't want this to continue beyond these few weeks.

I wasn't sure when I asked her where we'd live. But it didn't matter because she was clearly uninterested.

I couldn't blame her for wanting to start the business on her own. She'd been dependent on her family for years, and this was something she had to do. But it hurt. I'd put myself out there, and she'd said no.

It might have had nothing to do with me, but I couldn't stop the way I felt. With Luna, I felt more, things I wasn't used to experiencing. I felt happiness, contentment, longing, and desire.

She wanted to cut ties when she left Maryland, and I couldn't blame her. We'd set the parameters when this thing had started. Neither one of us was supposed to catch feelings.

The only thing was that I never felt this way. I usually kept myself nicely distanced from people I cared about when I knew I was leaving. This should have been the same as a deployment.

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