Page 32 of Complete Me

“Fair enough. And I agree. We talk with Bjorn, see what he wants to do, and if he’s in agreement about moving forward, seeing what this is, then we discuss ground rules.”

Our food arrives, interrupting the conversation momentarily, but after a few minutes of depositing plates and digging in, Xander leans his elbows on the table and eyes me speculatively. “So, when we were talking about your dislike of casual touch, you said ‘under most circumstances.’ Under what circumstances is that not the case?”

I consider giving him a fluff answer. Something to placate him. We’ve covered a lot of very personal, potentially volatile topics already, and somehow we’ve avoided the landmines. I’m not sure I’m ready to step directly on one to determine if it’s another dud or one that blows up in my face. But I suppose, if we’re going to pursue a relationship, he and Bjorn are going to find out at some point.

“Shibari.”

Xander blinks. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I don’t experience anxiety while participating in shibari sessions.”

His brow wrinkles, and his eyes take on that slightly distant thinking stare. “We’re talking about Japanese rope tying, right?” When I nod, he cocks an eyebrow. “That doesn’t bother you? How does that work? Isn’t there a lot of touching required?”

I nod. “But I’m the rope top. I’m in complete control. I’m initiating. I choose which patterns to make, where to tie the knots, where on the body the rope goes. Somehow, my brain doesn’t interpret that as a threat.”

Xander looks thoughtful. “Is that why you got into it? As a form of touch with control?”

“Yes.” But it’s also not the whole story. “It was a way to desensitize my anxiety around touch and practice trust. There’s a huge amount of faith required between the rope top and the rope bottom. I need to know they’ll tell me if the discomfort is too much. And they need to be confident that I know what I’m doing and won’t hurt them permanently. It also stimulates my brain in ways I never expected. It’s like conducting an orchestra. There are so many parts to keep track of. Timing to keep in mind. One wrong note, and the entire symphony is ruined.”

Xander blanches. “That’s a lot of pressure.”

I shake my head. “In a way, it’s freeing. There’s a kind of euphoria in such intensity. I’m hyperfocused, paying attention to the feel of the rope in my hands, where I’m touching, what I’m tying, how the rope bottom is reacting, changes in their breathing. Everything else fades away, and I’m completely in the moment.”

“And you do this a lot?”

Sighing, I shake my head. “No. As I said, there’s a trust factor, and the last model I was comfortable working with moved out of state about six months ago. I still practice tying the knots, but I rarely work with live models.”

Xander chews his bottom lip. “And what about the other things?” His gaze darts to the side, but he forces himself to meet my eyes as he lowers his voice. “The dom thing.”

My mouth quirks up at the corner. I was wondering when he’d get around to asking about it. “There is no dom thing, Xander. It’s not something I actively seek out, though I’ve been involved in scenes before.”

“Sorry. I’m not at all familiar with terminology, or probably even accurate concepts. What I know is from mainstream media, which probably gets it as wrong as it gets everything else.”

He’s not incorrect. “Xander, is that something that interests you?” I keep my voice even, not wanting him to feel awkward about telling me anything.

He shrugs. “I don’t know. A big part of me is screaming no. Absolutely not. I have no desire to be subjugated or humiliated.” He fidgets in his seat, and it’s the most discomposed I’ve ever seen him. “But when you pin me with your gaze and tell me to behave—” He swallows, and I watch his larynx bob up and down several times before he continues. “—it’s hot.”

This is fascinating, and it takes focus to remain calm and almost passive with my questions. But again, I don’t want to embarrass him into silence. “What do you like about it?”

Xander sips his tea and fidgets with the cup. “You’re completely focused on me when I act up.”

That agrees with what I’d been thinking. “Okay. And is that what you’re trying to accomplish? Getting my attention?” Xander tentatively nods, and I’m not sure if he’s figuring this out as we’re talking, or if he’s embarrassed to admit his motivation. “Once you have my attention, how do you see that playing out?” Again, I keep all judgment out of my tone. This is obviously new to him and difficult. I don’t want him to feel anything negative about his desires.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” Pink tinges his cheeks, and he shakes his head, a bit bewildered. “I want to keep it. I like how you look at me.” His pulse beats rapidly in his neck, and his pupils are blown wide.

My entire body gets warm. “How do I look at you?”

Xander clears his throat. “Like if I do something you don’t approve of, you’ll, I don’t know… it sounds so cliche. But, like you’ll spank me or something.”

Interesting. Xander doesn’t seem like someone who would be into pain, and he’s already said he’s not into degradation. “Is that something you like? Spanking?”

Xander quickly shakes his head. “I don’t think so? That’s what has me so confused. I’ve never done that with anyone, and it always seemed so humiliating. I’m definitely not into that.”

No. In fact, I’d bet he was bullied in school. It would explain what I know about his personality. “And is that why you stop being a brat?”

He looks conflicted, like he’s not sure of the answer. “Maybe? Or maybe I don’t want to cause a scene.”

“Xander.” My heart pounds in my chest. This is uncomfortable for him, but he’s sharing something very private with me. Showing me a huge amount of trust to not laugh or judge, and it makes me feel closer to him.

---