Page 31 of Complete Me

My internal conflict that day had been excruciating, and I feel the echoes of it in my chest. “I wanted to touch him. I almost did, but I couldn’t. You’re right, it was the time gap. I needed to get comfortable with him again before touching was alright. In my head, I knew it would be okay, but anxiety doesn’t care. It eventually resolved itself, like I knew it would. And thankfully, it didn’t take long. Though I didn’t think it would. Bjorn hasn’t changed much.”

Xander snorts. “He’s still a big golden retriever.”

That startles a laugh from me because it’s so close to how I’ve imagined Bjorn’s alter ego. “More like a Newfoundland. He’s huge, exceptionally sweet, and loves to cuddle, but he’s all about the mothering and overprotectiveness.”

Cackling, Xander slaps a hand over his mouth. “Oh my god, you’re right. That’s him. He even drools sometimes when he sleeps.” His eyes sparkle, and he shakes his head. “We can never tell him.”

“We can never tell his siblings, or they’ll tease him unmercifully.”

Xander snorts. “We’re totally telling them, aren’t we?”

I shrug, not even hiding my smile. “We’ll see.”

Xander’s wicked grin softens, and his eyebrows raise. “With you and me, we’re friendly, and I think at this point, we’re friends. So, you’re okay with small touches. You’ve been touching my arm and my hand now and then.”

“Yes. You and I are getting there. I enjoy being with you. Talking to you. We have a lot of similar interests.” I look into his eyes, holding his gaze. “The more comfortable I get with you, the more I get to know you as a person, the less anxious I am about touching you, or being touched by you.” His gaze hasn’t left mine since I started talking, and the light blue of his eyes is almost completely covered by the black of his expanding pupils. He likes the idea of me touching him. Or of him touching me. Possibly both. The air charges between us, and it’s not something I typically feel, so it catches me a bit off guard. It’s heady, and I don’t hate it.

“It’s the same for me.” Xander shakes his head. “I’ve had my share of dates and a few boyfriends over the years, but teaching requires a lot of time, and I’m not the most patient person. Bjorn loves to tease that I’m needy and demanding.” He grins while saying it, but I can hear the defensiveness in his tone. “So finding and keeping a long-term boyfriend has been challenging. If I may be frank, it’s very disconcerting to be attracted to two people at once.” The relief I feel at his admission is a shock. I hadn’t realized I was so worked up about it. But hearing Xander acknowledge that he’s attracted to both Bjorn and me—I assume the second person is me—makes me feel less deviant. “It’s equally strange to have both individuals interested in return.” He turns his hand so his palm is up and places it in the middle of the table, inviting me to take it. “Only if you want. I won’t be offended if you decline.”

Slowly, I reach across and place my hand in his, palm down, and find myself exhaling a long breath as my anxiety all but disappears. “I am attracted to you. And to Bjorn. And I’m not sure what to do with that because I’m not usually attracted to anyone.” Xander raises an eyebrow. “I’m demisexual. I don’t feel attraction until I’ve established an emotional bond with that person. I’m naturally a bit of a porcupine and don’t allow a lot of people to get close. So it makes it difficult to form those kinds of connections.” If Xander was a peacock, his tail feathers would be fanned out and shaking right now. I fight a smile. “I can see you’re very proud of yourself.”

His grin says it all. “I am. It’s not every day that a very attractive, highly intelligent person with trust issues tells you they’re comfortable enough with you to find you sexually attractive.”

I burst out laughing. “You are such a brat. Of course that’d be what you take away from everything I said.”

“Tell me I’m wrong.” He leans back in his chair, smirking confidently, and it’s incredibly sexy. When I don’t say anything, his smirk turns into a self-satisfied grin. “Thought so.”

Tentatively, I give his hand a slight squeeze, almost trying it out. It feels good, and he gently squeezes mine in return. “So, what does this mean? I’m attracted to you and Bjorn. You’re attracted to me and Bjorn. What do we do about that?”

He shrugs. “Hell if I know. This isn’t a situation I’ve ever been in, so I’m not prepared to formulate a plan. I guess we talk to Bjorn and find out how he’s feeling about the situation. If he’s only attracted to one of us, or neither of us, then we have an answer.” Xander bites his lower lip, looking up at me through his ridiculously long lashes. “I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hot. In theory, at least. And I do love attention. The idea of two gorgeous people attracted to me, wanting to be with me, doting on me—because of course you will—is wildly arousing.”

I laugh. “Of course we will.”

Xander’s coy look fades, replaced by worry. “But in practice, I’m not sure I’m built for that. There would definitely need to be ground rules.”

I nod in complete agreement. “I’m taking that to mean you aren’t absolutely opposed to the idea of polyamory.” Xander’s eyes go wide, like he hadn’t considered that’s what we’re discussing. “Was that not what you meant?”

He blinks several times and raises one eyebrow, mouth quirking to the side as he considers the concept. “I am”—he’s clearly searching for the appropriate word and seems to give up—“not opposed. Though I guess I hadn’t considered this to be something that had a label. And it’s probably one of those things where, once you become aware of it, you see it everywhere. Even if you hadn’t seen it at all, prior to that instance.”

“Polyamory isn’t rare. It’s just not as in-your-face as monogamy. Many polycules keep things low-key because of other people’s judgments. There are still a lot of places where, if it isn’t outright illegal, it’s frowned upon. Some people have to hide it from their employers for fear of being fired.” Xander gets a bit pale. “Are you worried about that?”

“I’m up for tenure, and the dean of my division already doesn’t care for me because I’m gay. If I was in a polyamorous relationship and he found out, I’m guessing he wouldn’t approve.”

That’s definitely something to consider in all of this. “He’d make trouble for you?”

“He’d probably try.” Xander scowls. “He’s such an old curmudgeon. From the Stone Age.”

Unfortunately, I’m all too familiar with the type. “There are many studies which posit that Neanderthals weren’t monogamous.”

Xander’s nostrils flare, and his eyes darken, but not from anger. “Your use of language is so damned sexy.”

Electricity runs down my spine, and I lean toward him, moving without thinking. “So, you’re saying you’re sapiosexual?”

He moans softly. “Intelligence is my kryptonite.”

That makes me snort. “Okay. Good to know.” The truth is, I’m probably sapiosexual as well, but I’m certainly not going to give Xander that kind of fodder. He’s well aware of his intelligence and doesn’t need any fuel for his ego. “But back to your tenure situation. What do you want to do?”

He frowns, considering, before setting his jaw and waving his hand dismissively. “If he makes trouble, I’ll take it up with the provost. If the provost won’t hear me out, then I’ll go above her and call a panel of my peers to review the situation.” His cheeks pink, and he glances away, almost embarrassed, before he refocuses on me. “But I’m not going to let a job derail what could be a very important relationship. Assuming Bjorn’s on board and that’s where we end up.”

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