Page 28 of Wildcat

“Malcolm, in our culture, when an important event happens in one’s life we smudge. Today for you is not only important but heavy and sad. Smudging cleanses you or wherever you are. Before you face your friend, I want you protected. Taz said I forget if it was her or Teddy who gave you a crystal. Carry that with you. This will only take a minute or two, then we go. I need you to close your eyes and try to remember a happy time with Michael. Before your attack when you were together as brothers. That’s it, take a few deep breaths and slowly release. Keep those memories in your mind’s eye and when you go into that room, pull that moment up. If necessary, remind him of it. That might help him pass without a heavy heart.”

Opening my eyes, I see he’s swiping the smoke with the feather toward me. He goes up and down my body, front and back, then steps away. Everyone is quiet as he extinguishes what I now know is white sage. Panther and Avalanche each take a side and lead me out the cabin and toward the barn where Michael is being held. I can feel Frankie at my back with Enzo and Billie following behind her. Not a long walk but when we turn toward the last barn, I lose it. The women of the Devil’s Handmaidens are all there leaning against the two barns on either side. No one says a word or even approaches me, but knowing they are there not just for Frankie, but maybe me too gives me some strength.

At the door we stop. Both men squeeze my shoulder then move away. I see Panther on his phone just as Frankie grabs my hand and squeezes. Within a minute or two both Shadow and Rebel come out. Both are exhausted, but Shadow looks much worse than Rebel. As Shadow goes to Panther, Rebel moves closer to us.

“He was rough on her. Brought up a lot of shit from her past that he was involved with. We’ll go through everything but, Malcolm, he never went away to college. That was when he hooked his star to Dario De Luca. In the end, she couldn’t even get close to him. So, if you get pissed at someone it’s me, not her. You both can go in. No, I cleaned him up best I could. We’ll follow, you know why. Whenever you’re ready and for what it’s worth, Malcolm, Wildcat, I’m sorry it ended up like this. Just so you know, Malcolm, no matter what, this club always comes first.”

Rebel walks away to stand next to Shadow, whose eyes are down. Malcolm moves to go in and I’m right with him. We walk in and take the first left then a right. This room was renovated just for Shadow and her work. This is the room she roughed up Heartbreaker in. The door is pulled but not latched closed. I can smell the bleach and not sure… Lysol? I’m the one who pushes the door open and we both gasp. Not what I was expecting. Michael is on a type of hospital bed an IV in his one arm. He’s under covers. If you didn’t know better, you’d think you were in a hospital. Walking slowly to the bed, when I get within reach, I gently touch what I think is his arm. At first nothing, but when I do it again his eyes seem to struggle to open. At first, it’s like he’s blind but after some time he focuses and sees me. His lips form a slight smile, well, until he sees Frankie. The hatred in his eyes strengthens my spine. We both made our choices though mine never intentionally hurt anyone, unlike his.

“Michael, if you will let me, I’ll stay with you. Don’t want you to be by yourself. No matter what we’ve been through, family stays together, Michael, and you’re my family.”

“Yeah, I know, Malcolm, I’m your family from your past…your brother. Frankie’s your future. Believe me, that’s been punched and poked into me.”

He starts to cough and blood and clots cover the blanket. Immediately Rebel comes over with another blanket, removing the bloody one and putting the clean one on. Michael is in what looks like men’s pajamas. I look to Frankie then the chair right off to the side of the one next to Michael. She totally understands as she squeezes my hand then goes and sits in the chair. I also take the seat by my friend’s bed. When I go to grab his hand, it takes me a startled second to realize he’s missing his fingers. Oh, holy fuck, what did they do to him? I’m up in a second but before I can rip the blanket off him, Shadow is standing on the other side, her hand on the blanket holding it to Michael’s chest. He looks to be squirming but that could be my imagination.

“Malcolm, don’t go looking for trouble. What’s done is done. You are here to support your brother. We will stay out of your way, just don’t cross that line. Please trust me.”

The look in those icy-blue eyes tells me to drop it. When I sit back down, she moves back to the wall, leaning against it with one foot up on it. Michael watches our interaction but says nothing.

Time goes by and it’s mostly quiet, but there are times Michael wants to talk. About two hours in, Rebel comes close and that’s when I see that he is catheterized. She is checking his output, which was brownish red. His kidneys are done. It won’t be long, I think to myself. Rebel confirms it when she looks my way.

It’s now or never. I stand up and lean down to Michael so he can see me.

“Hey, Michael, look at me. Can you see me? I want you to know even though I don’t understand why, I forgive you. I’ve loved you almost all my life and I’m so sorry it wasn’t the way you wanted. You need to know there are all kinds of love, and you have one and Frankie has another. I know you wanted what she has, but deep down you knew it wasn’t going to happen. I wish you would have talked to me but that’s neither here nor there. I want you to leave with some kind of peace.”

Tears are coming from his eyes. Goddamn, this is harder than I thought. He clears his throat, and I almost pass the fuck out when Shadow brings a cup of water with a straw. Michael watches her, fear in his eyes, but she just motions for him to drink. Once he’s taken a few small sips he’s able to talk some.

“Malcolm, you are a sap. No, I mean that in the best way. I’d never forgive you if our roles were reversed. Tell Frankie to come up here, please. Hurry, Malcolm, don’t have a lot of time.”

I motion for her to come next to me. We hold hands and look down at Michael to see he’s looking at our hands. Then he looks up at us.

“Do me one favor, Frankie. Give him the life he deserves and once this is over, forget I ever existed. Malcolm, sick or not, I’ve loved you my entire adult life and not the brotherly love. Now my terror ends. Be happy, both of you.”

When his eyes close, I look to Shadow.

“No, he’s still here, though the morphine he drank with his water should slowly slow his heart and he will go peacefully. I did that for both of you, not for him.”

With that I watch Shadow and Rebel leave. And five minutes later Michael leaves too, permanently.

TWENTY-SIX

‘WILDCAT’

FRANKIE

It’s been two and a half weeks since Michael passed away. There was no funeral or graveside burial. His body was removed, and I have no idea what they did with it. Neither Malcolm nor I want to know, though a few days after he died Teddy and Olivia wanted us to come to their home.

When we show up, I can tell something is up. Enforcer pulls me over to tell me their dog, Tuna, isn’t doing good at all. Teddy and Olivia come out holding hands, as usual, but Teddy’s eyes are red. Taz follows her son with the same red eyes. Not wanting to intrude, we ask what Teddy wants us here for. We walk to their new garden area in the back of their house. Off to the side is a small bush or maybe, I guess, it’s a seedling.

“Malcolm, your momma told us you lost a friend and you are sad. I’m sorry for your loss. Dad helped me pick it out and plant it. It’s called the Michael Rose. So, when you’re sad, you can come out here, sit in the chair we put there, and talk to your friend. I hope it helps.”

That’s when Malcolm totally loses it. He bends down, picks Teddy up, and walks to the chair, sitting in it. Malcolm has no idea the boy is autistic but for some reason Teddy doesn’t fight. He pats Malcolm’s cheeks. Olivia walks over and sits at Malcolm’s knees. I turn to see Taz in Enforcer’s arms. He just gives me a nod and walks her into the house. Wanting to go to Malcolm at the same time I want to comfort Taz, I let my gut tell me where to go and I’m so happy I do. Taz is in their great room, somehow on the floor, Tuna’s head in her lap. Enforcer is almost lying next to the once big dog. One of the vets from the sanctuary is messing with filling some syringes. Oh, dear God, this is going to kill Taz, Teddy, and from the looks of it, Enforcer. The two German shepherds are off in the corner, their eyes on their sister, Tuna.

I feel like I’m intruding until Taz lifts her head, sees me, and puts her hand out. Immediately I walk to her, get down on my knees, then fall to my ass so I can be next to her.

“Goddamn, Wildcat, why does this hurt more than when you lose a person? We haven’t had her that long and my heart feels like it’s being pulled right from my chest.”

I glance at Tuna, who has her eyes on her daddy. He’s whispering to her which seems to calm her, though she’s never been a nervous dog. Stoic. There are crystals surrounding Tuna on her bed. I smell the same scent Avalanche used on Malcolm the day Michael died. I don’t know what to do, so I grab on to Taz. The vet comes over and asks if they are ready. Enforcer pushes up, wiping his face.

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