Page 11 of Force Play

For most people, it would probably be nerve-wracking, but for the first time today, my mind is clear, and pieces of my plan coming together with each heart pounding climb. The picture of what’s next crystallizes with every quick and twisty downhill section filled with berms and jumps. My fear over the unknown of it all left behind like the ground under my tires as I launch my bike over the small tabletop. I do everything right, sending my bike sailing through the air over the flat mound of dirt until I land on the other side.

This is what it feels like to be alive.

Chapter 3

Indie

When I get back to the parking lot a little later, my car is the only one remaining, as I expected. The silence of the forest is a reminder that I’ll be back in the chaos of the city soon, and I hate it, which is why I need to talk to Brianna, tell her about what I’m going to do. She’s not going to like it . . . I just hope she understands.

After loading my bike, I connect my phone to the car and text Brianna asking if I can come over. All the peace that I found on the trail starts to fade as the city gets closer.

Chicago has been my home since I moved to the city from my rural Illinois hometown for college. After graduating with my master’s, I took a job using my Human Resources degree that promised growth and development opportunities. One that would set me on a path to climb the corporate ladder, and would allow me to be self-sufficient. It was practical, with good insurance, but the work hasn’t been fulfilling for years.

All I want now is to do something that would make my mom proud, and allow me to have more of the things that soothe me at my fingertips: my friends, the mountains, the wilderness.

Pulling into the lot near Brianna’s apartment, I lock the car and cross the street to her building. Buzzing her apartment, I bounce on the balls of my feet. Not just because of my still-damp clothes from riding, or the temperature dropping with the sun going down, but from the nervous energy running through me, fueled by knowing the conversation I need to have is likely going to hurt both of us.

I like Brianna, she’s smart and thoughtful, and easily the best person I’ve ever dated. She’s gorgeous and there’s chemistry between us—enough that neither of us are left wanting, but not the kind that burns the house down around you.

Like I had with him. Every time I let my mind wander to that kind of explosive chemistry, one person comes to mind. It was a slip; one night when I gave into our connection and let myself just fucking feel—something I never allow; not outside of physically exhausting my mind and body. Although, now that I think about it, that’s exactly what he did, several times.

But I can’t think about him right now. Not when the door clicks open to Brianna’s apartment building. My hands twist together as the elevator carries me up to the third floor. Things are good and I’m about to throw a major wrench in them.

Brianna’s dark red hair is piled on top of her head and her face is scrubbed free of makeup as she waits by her apartment door for me. Fucking stunning. How I got so lucky to spend the last few months with someone like her is beyond me.

“You’re in so much trouble.” She eyes my mud-splattered legs before her gaze moves up, roaming over my body, checking for damage and pausing when she sees the dried blood starting on my elbow and running down my arm. “What the hell, Ind?”

Her soft hands wrap around my wrist, gently turning my arm over in her hands, a frown tugging down those puffy lips. When she takes care of me like this it’s easy to forget that I’m supposed to be the one that has it together. I’m six years older, and out of school. But as I stand bloodied and broken on her doorstep, I just feel like a failure. Recently unemployed and careless, making my sweet girlfriend worry.

“It’s fine, I just grazed a tree, I’ll tuck my elbow next time. Promise.” I smile, hiding the wince when the pad of her thumb brushes over a tender spot that is certain to bruise by morning.

“This is not fine! You come back to me hurt after taking off by yourself. It was dangerous.”

My lips roll together. She’s not telling me anything I don’t already know. This is who I am; who I morph into when life gets hard. This crutch has gotten me through cancer treatments with my mom, shitty exes, grad school, and grief. It’s been like this for so long I don’t know how to be normal anymore.

Her hand comes to my face cupping it. “Shit, babe. What happened today?”

I can’t help it. Even knowing I’m about to dismantle us, I let her pull me in, melting as soon as her arms wrap around me. “Can we go inside and talk?” Closing my eyes, I press my face into the crook of her neck, trying to memorize how good it feels to be held like this.

“Of course, but before we talk, you’re going to let me clean up this arm,” Brianna says, twining her fingers through mine and leading me into her apartment.

I wait on the couch while she grabs the first aid kit from the bathroom. Looking around the apartment, my eyes settle on the picture frame on her coffee table. A familiar pain lances through my heart. Her mom is kissing her cheek, and there’s bright smiles on both of their faces at Bri’s college graduation—something my mom never got to see. By then she had lost her battle and it was just Poppy and Dad at my graduation, both of them doing everything they could to get even a hint of a smile out of me. As soon as they left after dinner that night, I went for a run; ten miles on the lakeshore trail, alone, tears streaming down my face the entire time.

Brianna comes back into the room and I pull my eyes from the photo, forcing a smile until it feels right. At least that part has gotten easier. I’ve learned how to mask my pain, hiding it so it doesn’t make other people uncomfortable—or worse—worry about me.

The minty notes of her shampoo engulf me as she leans in close, cleaning my arm before she spreads a cool salve over it and covers it up with a large band-aid. Her tenderness with me only makes this harder.

“Feel better?” I take her hand in mine and bring it to my lap.

“Not really.” Her laughter rattles around uncomfortably between us. “But that’s probably not going to change until you tell me what’s going on with you. What happened today that had you running wild?”

“I quit my job,” I say aloud for the first time. The words don’t shock me like I expect, and to Brianna’s credit, she doesn’t flinch. “Everything went perfect during the presentation, but afterward JC and I met to go over everything and he let me know I wasn’t getting the promotion as promised.”

“I hate that guy,” Brianna seethes, scooting closer and gripping my face with both hands. “You earned that promotion. When you practiced with me last week, your delivery was flawless. Every single question I threw at you was answered with insight into the data and benchmarking.”

“I know. Really, I do. That’s why I quit on the spot, without a plan.” This time it’s me laughing, only instead of sounding nervous, I sound manic.

“That’s okay. We can figure it out together.”

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