While we can. I knew what he meant, but that phrase grated on me as we walked toward the house. I didn’t like what the double meaning implied, didn’t like how it sat like a stone in my gut. While we’re still married. Before it ends.
————
The stars above us were so much brighter out here than they were back in the center of San Francisco. The cool air nipped at my bare skin, but everything from the tips of my breasts down was submerged in the bubbling, warm water. Somehow, it felt almost more intimate to be naked in front of him when he wasn’t touching me.
At least, not in that way.
His hand rested gently on my upper thigh, unmoving, unassuming. His knee knocked against mine as he sipped at his glass of red wine, his Adam’s apple bobbing with each swallow.
“Are you happy?” I asked, the words slipping from my lips far too comfortably in the easy quiet.
He let out a breathy little chuckle as he looked out into the endless woodland. “You ask such interesting questions. Have you had sex with her? Are you happy?” He downed the rest of his glass and set it off to the side. “What exactly do you mean by happy, princess?”
He turned to me, his knee knocking against mine again, and I shrugged.
“I’m not happy about the custody battle. I’m not happy about the situation at work, even if I feel righteous in my decisions. I’m not happy about my level of stress, or the fact that I’ve missed out on over five years of Noah’s life,” he said, pushing a loose strand of my hair out of my face and tucking it behind my ear. “But I am happy. I’m happy that I have Noah. I’m happy that I’m able to spend this time with you without having to hide anything. I’m happy that I get to have you around at all. I’m happy with my job, I’m happy with my company, I’m happy with the way my life is going. So… yes. And no. But mostly yes.”
His fingers lingered on my cheek, and I turned my head into them, letting him caress my face. “Is there anything else that you want out of your life?”
He chuckled again. “I don’t know,” he said. “I’d like to settle down at some point. I’d never really given too much thought to kids — Noah was a welcome surprise, and when I was with Marissa, I knew she wanted at least one, but that was me following what she wanted. But I think I’m happy with one. Another sounds like a nightmare. And then maybe when I get too old to run my business, I’ll move out here and spend my time in these woods with whoever I’m with.”
I studied the twitch in his jaw as he said the last of his words. His thumb dragged idly along my thigh, just an absent-minded touch, and I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to be whoever he was with, to live out in the sticks and not have to worry about what anyone else thought. But it wouldn’t be me. We had an expiration date.
“What about you, Liv?” he asked, his fingers trailing down beneath my chin and lifting it. “Is there anything else you want out of life? You’ve got so much of it left to live.”
I shrugged, the water sloshing around me. Behind me, the flood light turned off, and we plummeted into a shocking darkness that was only lit by the stars and the moon above us. With the moon at his back and the light from it illuminating the edges of his skin, he looked almost ethereal, and I found myself having to draw focus back to literally anything else to keep my mind from wandering.
“I don’t know,” I breathed. “Settle down. Keep a good job. I’ve never thought much about kids, either, so I guess what whoever I end up with wants is… good. My brother already has kids, so it’s not like I need to. But I want to travel. I want to solve the water scarcity problem, but I know that’s a big ask. And then settle down somewhere comfortable.”
A little grin tugged the corners of his lips up. “Of course you want to solve that.”
“Can you blame me? Two-thirds of the world’s population?—”
“—deal with water scarcity at least one month of the year. I know. It’s atrocious, but I think your project could make a genuine difference to that.”
Why was he even sexier when he was speaking on the things I was passionate about? “You can’t just do that,” I laughed, my cheeks heating as the bubbles stopped, leaving my nipples just barely out of the water.
“Do what, princess?”
“Talk about the things I care about when we’re both fucking naked in a hot tub and you look like that.” The wine had made it easier to speak and had loosened my tongue just a little too much, but I couldn’t find it in me to be ashamed of what I was saying.
“It’s not my fault we have common interests,” he chuckled. “And believe me, princess, no matter how I look, it is fucking nothing in comparison to you.”
————
Another bottle of wine down and we were far too loose with each other.
His hands across my towel-covered stomach, he held my back against his chest, his mouth on my neck. The scent of chlorine and Damien’s cologne lingered on the deck along with his towel lost somewhere behind us.
“God, you’re perfect,” he mumbled, his fingers pulling at the edges of my towel. My reluctance to release came only from the chill of the night air and not from stopping him from getting at what was underneath — no, I wanted that just as badly as he did.
I gasped as his teeth sunk into the soft spot just beneath my ear. My fingers fumbled with the handle on the glass door, finally catching hold and sliding it open. We tumbled into the dark space, and I couldn’t remember if this was a spare room or the master suite. But it didn’t matter, and the second the door slid shut, I let the towel fall away.
“Fuck,” he groaned, spinning me to face him. “Come here.”
His mouth crashed into mine, his kiss messy and chaotic, his wandering hands skating across my breasts. There was something about him that had changed since we’d arrived, something that felt more akin to the desperation and neediness he’d shown me two months ago in Vegas, back when we hardly knew each other, back before both of our lives changed. But I returned the fervor.
He pulled me to his chest, his length already solid and pressing against my stomach. “Let me keep you,” he mumbled against my lips, his hands sweeping down and over my rear. I didn’t know what he meant, didn’t understand what he was saying, but before I could question it he was lifting me up and forcing my legs around his waist.