Page 96 of A Broken Throne of Bronze

I hold my hands in my lap and look down at them. “I doubt you’re here to tell me I look terrible.”

“No.” Her tone softens. “We’re worried about you, Cryssa. Viridian is worried about you.”

“Then why isn’t he here?” I ask, looking up at her. My voice sharpens like knives, but I can feel tears welling in my eyes. “Why hasn’t he reached out?” A more gut-wrenching thought pops into my mind. “Does he… Does he not want to see me anymore?”

To see him so cold again…

It was as if all the progress we’d made was for nothing.

“I can’t speak for him,” Lymseia starts, “but I think he’s afraid.”

“Afraid?” I echo. My mouth curls. “Afraid of what?”

Lymseia just looks at me for a moment before answering. “Of rejection.”

I inhale and rub my forehead.

“But I’m not here to talk about him. Myrdin’s taking care of that.” She scoots forward and takes both of my hands. “I’m here for you, as your friend. How are you, really?”

“I feel terrible,” I admit. Whatever was keeping me from falling apart crumbles. The floodgates are open, and I have no way to close them. Nor do I want to. “I’m so torn. Torn between my old life and my new one. Between what I should want and what I do want.”

“What you ‘should’ want?” Lymseia cocks her head.

“Yes,” I tell her. “I know I should want to be with Loren, to go home, to go back to being the old Cryssa. The girl that bartered for eggs at the market. The girl that did chores, the girl that wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. The girl that didn’t know how to dance.”

My words hang between us.

“First, enough of this ‘should’ business,” Lymseia says and breaks the silence, waving me off. “When you use that word, you’re telling yourself that you’ve failed. You ‘should’ this, you ‘should’ that.” She shakes her head a little as she speaks. “All you’re doing is beating yourself down for what you’re not.”

My chest tightens, deep with guilt and resistance.

But at its core, fear.

“And second, whether you like it or not, you have changed,” Lymseia continues, her tone warm, though firm. “But change is all right, Cryssa. Everyone changes and evolves as we go through life. It’s all right to be someone new. But make no mistake—the ‘old’ Cryssa is still in there,” she says, pointing a finger to my chest. “You haven’t lost her, because she is you. Only, you’re so much stronger now than you were before. You’ve learned to love unconditionally. To overcome your differences. To open up your mind to all the good you’d never let yourself imagine before.”

She smiles. “And I think that’s a very good thing. Something that will make you the High Queen you were always meant to be.”

I consider her words for what feels like ages. Digesting them.

“You’re right,” I tell her at last.

Though, some part of me is still afraid to let go. Afraid to lower my shields.

Afraid that I’ll bare my heart, only for it to be broken.

I remember something my father told me when I was young. I’d gotten stung by a bee while out picking wildflowers with Acantha one summer. After that, I was afraid to return to the meadow, even though it was my favorite place in the whole world. I remember wanting to stay at home while she and Father went, afraid the tiny creatures would hurt me again.

“Bravery doesn’t mean the absence of fear, my darling,” Father had said. “Bravery is when you still choose to continue anyway, even though you’re afraid.”

I take a deep breath.

I’ll be brave, Father.

I won’t let my fear hold me back.

Viridian is in the main library, pulling books from the shelves, when I come in.

He doesn’t turn around immediately, instead taking a breath before setting his books down on a nearby table. Slowly, he turns to face me.

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